See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way? (or if God just put the Earth on 'Shuffle.')

July 2014

"Pope Francis is considering repealing celibacy for priests. Priests will no longer have to take a vow of celibacy. See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way?" –David Letterman

"This crazy weather we've been having all over the country — it's because the polar vortex is back. The polar vortex is causing the Midwest to experience fall-like temperatures. I can't tell if climate change is still a problem or if God just put the Earth on 'Shuffle.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"And maybe that's why the FCC just announced that it wants to overhaul the Emergency Alert System so President Obama would be able to interrupt any TV broadcast and address the country instantly. Which of course raises the question: He can't do that ALREADY? They want to make it so the president can instantly interrupt TV broadcasts whenever there's breaking news. Then Obama said, 'And I mean REAL breaking news, not that CNN stuff.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's the things guys are looking for in a trophy candidate (she is pro-dabbling, but anti-diddling)

"You know this Tea Party candidate, Christine O'Donnell is causing a lot of controversy with her kind of unorthodox views. She's come out against masturbation. You know what that means? She's out of touch with those voters who are in touch with themselves." –Jay Leno

"More problems for candidate Christine O'Donnell. It seems she canceled all her Sunday talk show appearances after a video surfaced her on Bill Maher's TV show where she admitted she once dabbled in witchcraft. So, apparently, she is pro-dabbling, but anti-diddling." –Jay Leno

"Let me tell you something, Sarah Palin better be careful. Because this Christine O'Donnell is younger, hotter, and crazier. That's the things guys are looking for in a trophy candidate. So, be very careful." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

but we have something here in Los Angeles that is just as bad (plus I give you a ride to the airport)

Due to frigid temperatures, railroad tracks in Chicago were set on fire today in order to keep trains running smoothly. While in New York, we have no idea why our train tracks are on fire. --Seth Meyers

The big story story in the midwest is the polar vortex, but we have something here in Los Angeles that is just as bad. Moderate rain. --Conan O’Brien

To play during halftime at the Super Bowl, they got Maroon 5. That’s because Maroon 1 through 4 said, No. --Conan O’Brien

The Super Bowl ads cost the most ever this year. The ads cost $5 Million. That’s around $175,000 per second. To put that in perspective, a 30 second commercial on the Conan O’Brien show cost $200, plus I give you a ride to the airport. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed (the Empire State Building shrunk 50 floors)

It’s so cold that earlier today the Empire State Building shrunk 50 floors. It is so cold, Trump is actually enjoying being burned by Nancy Pelosi. --Jimmy Fallon

An 80-year-old crossing guard in Iowa said the cold won't stop him from doing his job. Then his boss said, "Nothing stops him. We fired that guy 40 years ago." Get lost! --Jimmy Fallon

Today was also bitterly cold in the Northeast, with lows in the single digits. And I cannot stress this part enough, okay? Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh, please. We've been doing that for years (Hindsight Is 2020)

But, you guys, the Super Bowl is this Sunday. And on game day, a marijuana dispensary in Oregon is delivering pizza and weed. When they heard that, every Dominos delivery guy was like, "Oh, please. We've been doing that for years." --Jimmy Fallon

It was freezing-cold in New York City today, with a wind chill that was down to negative-17. Even crazier, that's still higher than Trump's approval rating. --Jimmy Fallon

And I saw that yesterday a bunch of colleges were closed. This morning it was so cold, students were doing the run of shame. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Here comes Banana Hammer! (she's moving Trump's State of the Union to Chicago)

Due to the polar vortex, at one point, the wind chill in Chicago was negative-49. Health officials have warned people who go outside not to talk. Wait. That explains why Nancy Pelosi just announced that she's moving Trump's State of the Union to Chicago. Ohh! -Now I get it. --Jimmy Fallon

And all day, newscasters were doing interesting things to show just how cold it was. Check out what they did on the Today Show this morning, “So, how cold is it? One man actually turned this super-frozen banana into a makeshift hammer.” What? -That's actually footage of Trump trying to build his border wall. Usually you only hear the phrase "banana hammer" at a male strip club. "Here comes Banana Hammer!" --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

all it takes to make you look like a criminal is light and eyeballs (the fifth-worst Jaden)

Parts of the Midwest saw temperatures lower than those in Antarctica today, due to Winter Storm Jaden. People are saying it's the worst winter storm in the last 100 years, but only the fifth-worst Jaden. --Seth Meyers

In an interview yesterday, former Trump adviser Roger Stone accused special counsel Robert Mueller of coordinating with CNN to produce "great footage to make him look like a criminal." Dude, all it takes to make you look like a criminal is light and eyeballs. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They got that insulating layer of cheese that will keep you safe for days (Fire Commissioner, Pyro Billy)

Chicago is so ridiculously cold that in order to keep the trains running, they had to deliberately set the train tracks on fire! That’s called Chicago Improv. That idea came from Chicago Fire Commissioner, Pyro Billy. --Stephen Colbert

Some tips to keep warm for the folks in Chicago. If you’re really cold, slice open and crawl inside a visiting Packers fan. It works. They got that insulating layer of cheese that will keep you safe for days. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

5,000 minus 3,000 equals turtle (Lex Luthor after a spin class)

Donald Trump's acting attorney general, Matt Whitaker, talked to reporters yesterday about the Mueller investigation. But while he talked, he looked pretty uncomfortable and sweaty. He looks like Lex Luthor after a spin class. --Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, Trump's national security adviser, John Bolton, appeared in front of reporters while holding a notepad, and everybody could see his top-secret notes. This is real. Take a look at this. It says "5,000 troops to Colombia." Well, it's not the first time a politician has mistakenly revealed what's on their notepad during a meeting. For example, it also happened to Chris Christie. His notepad said, "5,000 wings to Super Bowl party." Up next, Betsy DeVos. Her notepad said, "5,000 minus 3,000 equals turtle." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the polar vortex is the least of your problems (Where is everybody?)

In Chicago, I heard that it's actually colder than Antarctica. On the news, the weatherman wasn't giving the forecast. He was just spooning the camera guy for warmth. --Jimmy Fallon

I heard experts say that during a polar vortex, you shouldn't leave items like beer, eggs, and medicine in your car, though if that's what you're keeping in your car, the polar vortex is the least of your problems. --Jimmy Fallon

Here's some good news, though. Federal employees returned to work this week. Yes. Though one woman says that when she got back to her office she had over 4,000 unread e-mails. Even worse, they were all from one employee who kept writing, "Where is everybody?" --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”