Oh wow, we’re finally getting a restroom? (Make jobs, Not war)

October 2022

“We are celebrating the first new Rihanna music in six long years. The singer and fashion mogul will release a new single, Lift Me Up, for the upcoming film Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. You understand how big this is? Rihanna plus Black Panther, what?! I haven’t experienced this much Black joy since that time Obama featured on that Cardi B track. It was just like, ‘Wap, wap, wap, I’ll tell you what makes my pussy wet: voting! Everybody vote!’” —Trevor Noah

“We are also looking at the beginning of Elon Musk’s tenure as owner of Twitter. To celebrate the occasion, Musk tweeted a video of him walking into Twitter HQ holding a sink with the caption ‘let this sink in’. What I want to know is where did he get that sink? Is it just the one he ripped out of the wall when the judge told him he had to buy Twitter? If anything, Elon is the right billionaire to make this joke. Because if Jeff Bezos walked into Amazon with a sink, his employees would be like ‘oh wow, we’re finally getting a restroom?’” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don’t want us to look bad to aliens (passive aggressive aliens)

May 2021

“60 Minutes did a story last night in which they interviewed some very credible former Pentagon and military officials who had video and eyewitness accounts of objects that fly 13,000 miles per hour, drop 80,000 feet in less than a second, and go underwater. The government calls them ‘unidentified aerial phenomena.’ U.A.P., which, sounds just like the Cardi B song.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And they’ve known about this for a couple of years, but waited until now to talk about it because I guess, a couple of years ago, they would have been too embarrassed if the aliens said, ‘Take us to your leader.’ They’d be like, ‘Eh, not a great idea.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“OK, hold up: The Navy has had U.F.O. sightings every day for two years? Two years these aliens have been popping in and out, popping in but not doing anything? Those are the most passive aggressive alien invasion ever.” —Trevor Noah

“Oh, and by the way, if any of your aliens have been watching us recently, you do realize this is not how we normally roll, right? I want to clarify a few things for you, aliens: Humans don’t usually wear masks, OK? We don’t usually just talk to each other over the computer, and we don’t usually scratch our butts and then sniff it to make sure that it smells like butt. [lowering his voice] I know that we actually do that, but I don’t want us to look bad to aliens.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When I woke up, I had no idea where I was (Glenn Close auditions to be in Cardi B’s next video)

April 2021

“For whatever reason, the awards were held at Union Station downtown, which is the closest many of these stars have ever been to public transportation.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, I guess the train station made sense ’cause I fell asleep 30 minutes in. When I woke up, I had no idea where I was.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Now, despite the pandemic shaking everything up, the Oscars pulled off a lot of cool moments last night. I mean, we got to see an awards show in a train station, right? We saw Regina King get her steps in. And we even got to see Glenn Close audition to be in Cardi B’s next video.” —Trevor Noah

“There were some surprises, notably in the category of Best Actor. Everyone thought that would go to the late Chadwick Boseman. They even saved that category for the end of the show, assuming it would be a big emotional moment to wrap it up. But instead of Chadwick Boseman, Anthony Hopkins won Best Actor for playing a man with dementia in ‘The Father,’ and he was so committed to his role, he forgot to show up for the Oscars.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oooops, wrong picture, that's North Dakota (Fresh Prince of Smell Hair)

August 2020

It’s hot here in California. It’s so hot local officials are urging looters to stay hydrated. —Bill Maher

Barack Obama took the gloves off against Trump. He said Trump had no interest in doing the work. Trump was so pissed about that he missed a two-foot putt. —Bill Maher

Cardi B interviewed Joe Biden. Biden also has a rap name. It’s the Fresh Prince of Smell Hair. —Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Try rolling up the agreement and spanking me with it (Cardi B calls me out)

The new deal gives Trump less than 1.4 Billion for just 55 miles of fences. The border is 2,000 miles long. And remember how Trump shut down the government after a border bill back in December? Well, that deal offered him 1.6 Billion for fencing. That is some A-plus negotiating. Colbert as Trump, “Okay, here we go. You write a number on a slip of paper, pass it across the table to me, okay. Then I’m gonna shut down the table for a month until everyone gets really mad and Cardi B calls me out. Then, I’ll reopen the table, and you slide me an even smaller number, and I say yes. Deal Art-ed. I showed you the art. Show-art.” --Stephen Colbert

Trump didn’t get what he wanted, and his TV friends noticed and they’re being mean about it. Lou Dobbs tweeted, “Their deal is an insult to POTUS and the American people.” Laura Ingraham called it “pathetic.” And Sean Hannity said this bill is a “garbage compromise.” And this afternoon, Trump agreed with those people who he agrees with. Colbert as Trump, “No, it’s not doing the trick, okay. Try rolling up the agreement and spanking me with it. That might do the trick.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It was the judge this whole time! (National Punctuation Day)

At a campaign rally on Friday, President Trump defended Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, saying, "He was born for the position." What position — surprise villain in a "Law & Order" episode? "It was the judge this whole time!" --Seth Meyers

Today was National Punctuation Day, and hopefully Bill Cosby is celebrating with a really long sentence. --Seth Meyers

According to reports, rapper Cardi B is in talks to perform with Maroon 5 at this year's Super Bowl halftime show. So if you like Cardi B and you also like Maroon 5, you're trying way too hard to connect with your kids. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”