That’s why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate (And you thought Donald Trump hated him before)

April 2011

"It looks like Mitt Romney will run for president. He announced that he's forming an exploratory committee. Doesn't that sound like something every man should have after 50?" –Jay Leno

"The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft, which led President Obama to say, 'That’s why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate.'" –Jay Leno

"No! Not Captain Buzzkill! Not the guy who looks like everyone who ever fired your dad! Romney's gonna suck all the fun right out of this crazy thing. Just look at the online video announcing his run. It looks like it could double as an ad for erectile dysfunction pills. 'Mitt Romney: for when the moment's right.'" –Jon Stewart on Mitt Romney running for president

"President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Doesn't that sound like something every man should have after 50? (for when the moment's right)

"It looks like Mitt Romney will run for president. He announced that he's forming an exploratory committee. Doesn't that sound like something every man should have after 50?" –Jay Leno

"The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft, which led President Obama to say, 'That’s why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate.'" –Jay Leno

"No! Not Captain Buzzkill! Not the guy who looks like everyone who ever fired your dad! Romney's gonna suck all the fun right out of this crazy thing. Just look at the online video announcing his run. It looks like it could double as an ad for erectile dysfunction pills. 'Mitt Romney: for when the moment's right.'" –Jon Stewart on Mitt Romney running for president

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Somebody get me a pair of pliers and a bite stick! (Does she need ribs? I’ve got ribs!)

Last night the White House revoked Jim Acosta’s. Oh No! Now how will he “NOT” get answers to his questions. --Stephen Colbert

With Jeff Sessions gone, Trump has a new man overseeing Robert Mueller. Acting Attorney General and baby who grew up and is not happy about it, Matthew Whitaker. Whitaker’s a long-time outspoken critic of the Mueller investigation which he will now head. He previously served as the U.S. Attorney for the Southern district of Iowa. Then, after that, he worked for World Patent Marketing, which was shut down by the Federal Trade Commission for fraud. Great! He’s an expert on Federal crime because he committed it! --Stephen Colbert

And just in case you thought today couldn’t get any worse, we’ve learned that Ruth Bader Ginsburg has been hospitalized with fractured ribs. No! Does she need ribs? I’ve got ribs! She can take mine. Somebody get me a pair of pliers and a bite stick! --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery (screwing not gouging)

"The Federal Trade Commission has ruled that oil companies are not gouging customers. They say, technically, they're screwing customers."  --David Letterman

"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery." --Jay Leno

"President Bush signed a huge tax cut bill. He's hoping the tax cut for the rich will attract a wealthier, more affluent group of illegal immigrants." --Jay Leno

testifying at the Michael Jackson trial (Altar boys are still waiting for their apology)

"There's a lot of tension in the world. Over the weekend, Pope Benedict apologized to the Muslims. Altar boys, on the other hand, are still waiting for their apology." --David Letterman

"The Federal Trade Commission said today they did not find any signs, no signs that the oil industry illegally manipulated gas prices. They also found no signs of steroid use in baseball, there was no gang activity in Los Angeles and Kenny Rogers had no plastic surgery whatsoever." --Jay Leno

"In the Gulf of Mexico, 270 miles southwest of New Orleans, drillers have discovered what they say could be the largest oil reserve ever. Once the oil is drilled, it could boost our oil reserves by 50%. They said it would supply us with nearly 50 billion barrels of oil. In fact, the oil companies said this could cut the price of gas by almost a penny. When President Bush heard about this, he ordered the invasion of Louisiana." --Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein's former adviser, Tariq Aziz, testified at Saddam's trial while wearing pajamas. Aziz said he was confused and thought he was testifying at the Michael Jackson trial." --Conan O'Brien

I'm tired of this, I'd rather be governor (sending the wrong message)

"The Federal Trade Commission said today they did not find any signs, no signs that the oil industry illegally manipulated gas prices. They also found no signs of steroid use in baseball, there was no gang activity in Los Angeles and Kenny Rogers had no plastic surgery whatsoever." --Jay Leno

"Let's see what's new with New Jersey Governor Jim 'Keep On Truckin' McGreevy. Former New Jersey Governor  Jim McGreevy has written a book where he said he used to cruise highway rest stops looking to have anonymous sex with gay truckers. At what point do you stop having anonymous sex at truck stops and say to yourself I'm tired of this, I'd rather be governor?" --Jay Leno

"McGreevy said he came out of the closet when he realized where this sort of lifestyle would lead -- marriage to Liza Minelli." --Jay Leno

That's why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate

"Every time a kid found an egg, Michelle Obama would make them trade it in for a low cholesterol Egg Beater. They had about 6,000 eggs, and you know who decorated them? Ex-cons. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress." –Jay Leno



"There's now a nationwide shortage of Attention Deficit Disorder drugs. The FDA says it doesn't know how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't paying attention." –Jay Leno



"The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft. Which led President Obama to say, "That's why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate." –Jay Leno