This is outta my league, bro (the rest of the team gets paid in Panera coupons)

“Thirty-seven year old LeBron James just agreed to a two-year, $97 million contract extension with the Los Angeles Lakers. Thirty-seven isn’t that old, but in Los Angeles he’s 150. Yep, $97 million for LeBron, which means the rest of the team gets paid in Panera coupons.” —Jimmy Fallon

"CNN plans to air a 90-minute documentary on Mitt Romney before the Republican National Convention. Yeah, 90 minutes of Mitt Romney. Even Red Bull is like, 'This is outta my league, bro.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Nice to meet you, Eric Piñata. (This is outta my league, bro.)

Donald Trump made a surprise trip to Mexico for a meeting with the country’s president, Enrique Peña Nieto. Or as Trump put it, “Nice to meet you, Eric Piñata.” –Jimmy Fallon

In an interview this week, Jeb Bush said that if he had a magic wand, there are at least ten things that he would like to change about the Constitution. Then Jeb Bush was given the prize for "lamest use of a magic wand." --Jimmy Fallon

"CNN plans to air a 90-minute documentary on Mitt Romney before the Republican National Convention. Yeah, 90 minutes of Mitt Romney. Even Red Bull is like, 'This is outta my league, bro.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even Dick Cheney won't go hunting with her (and more proof that God is a woman)

"Tampa could be hit by Hurricane Isaac, and they might have to cancel or postpone the Republican National Convention. A hurricane headed directly for the Republicans – and more proof that God is a woman." –David Letterman

"President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound." --David Letterman

"Congress has been agonizing over health care for months now. Squabbling, fighting, the town hall meetings going crazy. Meanwhile, while they're arguing about health care, we're stuck in two wars that were rubber-stamped in about 10 minutes. What? How does that make any sense when you think about it?" --David Letterman

"Squeaky Fromme has been in prison since the '70s for trying to shoot President Gerald Ford. Out of prison now. But she's described as an unstable gun nut. Here's how unstable and nutty she is. Even Dick Cheney won't go hunting with her." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In Washington, it's not the heat that gets you. It's the stupidity. (Thinly sliced cabbage)

"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump says he has a big surprise in store for everybody at the Republican National Convention this year - a surprise he says people will love. So apparently he's not going." –Jay Leno

"Thank you for coming out on a hot day. The heat has not let up here. It was 109 today in Los Angeles. I was sweating like a Medicare patient at a Romney-Ryan rally." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the closest New Yorkers have ever come to seeing nature (Actually I’m a great loser! I do it all the time! It’s what I’m best at!)

New York was hit with a large thunderstorm last night, which caused enough rain to create temporary waterfalls in some subway stations. It’s the closest New Yorkers have ever come to seeing nature. –Seth Meyers

A British Airways flight had to make an emergency landing recently after the cabin strongly smelled like marijuana. Even worse, the pilot was flying at, like, 5 miles per hour. –Seth Meyers

After Jeb Bush’s decision not to attend this week’s Republican National Convention, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich called him a “bad loser.” Said Jeb, “Actually I’m a great loser! I do it all the time! It’s what I’m best at!” –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He skipped 34.67 Billion lattes. It's just that easy (I wasn't planning on aiming that high anyway)

"Sarah Palin is saying she still hasn’t been invited to the Republican National Convention next month. The RNC says it’s all a misunderstanding — as in, Palin misunderstands the meaning of the phrase, 'You're not invited.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bristol Palin wants Levi Johnston to wear a camouflage vest at their wedding next month. When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'That's fine, I wasn't planning on aiming that high anyway.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even the guys on “The Bachelorette” were like, “GROSS!" (Oh my God. What's labor?)

Last night, Donald Trump and Mike Pence actually sat down for a joint interview on “60 Minutes." And Pence said that if he has differences with Trump, he would, quote, “walk into the president's office, close the door, and share my heart." Even the guys on “The Bachelorette” were like, “GROSS!" –Jimmy Fallon

"Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, 'Oh my God. What's labor?'" –Jimmy Fallon

The Republican National Convention started today and Donald Trump spent the past several days preparing his acceptance speech, while Chris Christie spent the past two weeks blowing up balloons. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don't be coming here with your bullsh*t (Hookers and bribes don't work anymore?)

July 2014

"The Republican National Convention is going to be held in 2016 in Cleveland. They outbid New York City. Cleveland beat New York City. And I'm thinking to myself: Wait a minute, this is not right. Hookers and bribes don't work anymore? What is the problem?" –David Letterman

"According to a new study, the largest producer of oil is now the United States. So you know what that means – any day now we'll be invading ourselves." –David Letterman

"On this date in 1804, Aaron Burr had a duel with Vice President Alexander Hamilton. Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton and got off scot-free. Later he was convicted for stealing sports memorabilia." –David Letterman

"North Korea is negotiating to broadcast the Teletubbies. They have to make changes for North Korean TV. For starters, every episode will end with one of the Teletubbies being executed." –Craig Ferguson

"And, of course, every Teletubby will have Kim Jong Un's haircut." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

that would never have happened under Bill Clinton (OMG, Stay Off Her!)

August 12, 2012

"Porn star Jenna Jameson has come out for Mitt Romney. So this election could have a happy ending after all." –Jay Leno

"Endorsed by Jenna Jameson; how is that possible? The Democrats are losing the porn star vote? Let me tell you, that would never have happened under Bill Clinton." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump says he has a big surprise in store for everybody at the Republican National Convention this year - a surprise he says people will love. So apparently he's not going." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And this explains the entirety of Fox News (At least do the honorable thing and lie)

September 2012

"Yesterday, Paul Ryan said that he and Mitt Romney won't reveal their tax plan to the public until after the election. Other politicians couldn't believe it. They were like, 'At least do the honorable thing and lie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that President Obama has expended his lead over Mitt Romney since the Democratic National Convention. Of course, it didn't help Obama as much as that other event – the Republican National Convention." –Jimmy Fallon

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is scheduled to address the United Nations on the Jewish holy day of Yom Kippur. That's like the Kardashians giving a speech on Labor Day." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's on the stage for 30 seconds and he mentions Breyer's ice cream (phenomenal abs)

August 2012

"John McCain was at the convention. He just wandered out on stage in his bathrobe." –David Letterman

"Chris Christie was on stage for 16 minutes before he says Romney's name. He's on the stage for 30 seconds and he mentions Breyer's ice cream." –David Letterman

"The Republican National Convention is in full swing in Tampa. Speeches are being made. Hats flown in the air. Everyone gets their own hippie to slap around." –Craig Ferguson

"Working out has given Paul Ryan phenomenal abs. His abs are so in demand that TMZ is offering a bounty for anyone who can get an in-focus shot." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is outta my league, bro (Whoa — is it noon already?)

August 2012

"Actually, Mitt Romney and Hurricane Isaac have something in common. They can both change directions at any moment." –Jay Leno

"CNN plans to air a 90-minute documentary on Mitt Romney before the Republican National Convention. Yeah, 90 minutes of Mitt Romney. Even Red Bull is like, 'This is outta my league, bro.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New research found that people who wake up early are more productive than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it, 'Whoa — is it noon already?'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and more proof that God is a woman (they made veal mea culpa)

August 2012

"Missouri Congressman Todd Akin has some interesting views on health. I think he's in a little hot water. Penn State took down his statue today." –David Letterman

"Akin apologized on Rachel Ray's show and then they made veal mea culpa." –David Letterman

"Tampa could be hit by Hurricane Isaac, and they might have to cancel or postpone the Republican National Convention. A hurricane headed directly for the Republicans – and more proof that God is a woman." –David Letterman

"Today Todd Akin was named Democratic Party Employee of the Month." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So this election could have a happy ending after all (Stop Participating In It)

August 2012

"Thank you for coming out on a hot day. The heat has not let up here. It was 109 today in Los Angeles. I was sweating like a Medicare patient at a Romney-Ryan rally." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to cool it off." –Jay Leno

"Porn star Jenna Jameson has come out for Mitt Romney. So this election could have a happy ending after all." –Jay Leno

"Endorsed by Jenna Jameson; how is that possible? The Democrats are losing the porn star vote? Let me tell you, that would never have happened under Bill Clinton." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump says he has a big surprise in store for everybody at the Republican National Convention this year - a surprise he says people will love. So apparently he's not going." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait, aren’t you the one that died? (because of course he is)

August 2020

“Tonight was the start of the Republican National Convention, a week of speeches, celebration and white people walking up to Ben Carson saying, ‘Wait, aren’t you the one that died?’” —Trevor Noah

“Usually the presidential nominee speaks on the last night, but this year, Trump is breaking the tradition, and he’s speaking on all four nights, because of course he is.” —James Corden

“But the president isn’t the only speaker at the convention this week. The list also includes First Lady Melania Trump and all four of the president’s adult children. Six Trumps. You know that the president is desperate for speakers when even Tiffany made the cut. No one saw that coming.” —James Corden

“That lineup looks like a list of people you see banned from a chain restaurant for verbally harassing the manager.” —James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Their anti obesity campaign comes with fries (he has no idea who Winston Churchill is)

Last night at the Republican convention Rudy Giuliani compared President Bush to Winston Churchill. Not only that President Bush was upset because he has no idea who Winston Churchill is. --Conan O’Brien 8/31/2004

President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released their tax returns Cheney made more money than the president. When asked about it the president said, “That's true but he also made more decisions.” --Conan O’Brien 4/15/2004

Yesterday McDonald's launched their anti obesity campaign. The weird thing is McDonald's anti obesity campaign comes with fries. --Conan O’Brien 4/15/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Pick the Patriot (Dazed and Confused)

The Republican Convention goes on all week, and of course, the highlight will be toward the end of the week. George Bush will show up for one day, you know, just like he did in the National Guard. –David Letterman

Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused. –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

He gave the poor 41 (sell her on eBay)

"Cindy McCain appeared at the Republican National Convention, and Vanity Fair took a look at an outfit she wore. The magazine priced it out at around $300,000. With that kind of money, you could buy an 11th house." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000?" -Jimmy Kimmel

"If Cindy McCain were a plane, Sarah Palin would sell her on eBay." -Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

except for the part about loving children with special needs (soon-to-be-victim)

"John McCain took a swipe at Obama. Did you see, in the speech? He said, 'I'm not running for president because I think I'm blessed with such personal greatness that history has anointed me to save our country in its hour of need. No, I'm running because my wife wants another house." -Bill Maher

"This is the first convention I could remember, where they didn't say the name of the man who should be the titular head of the party. He is the president of the United States, George Bush. Except for the protestors outside, you never heard that name, or any reference to George Bush, except for the part about loving children with special needs." -Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

The Buck Never Stops Here (Read My Lips)

"And then after the Sarah Palin speech, John McCain comes on stage. Did you see that moment when John McCain comes on stage? And you thought, whoa, something dramatic will happen, and it turned out he was just looking for his glasses." --David Letterman

"And then, earlier tonight, John McCain had his big acceptance speech. And, you know, I didn’t – I didn’t watch that because I’ll tell you why: if I want to see an old guy, if I want to see an old guy struggle with a teleprompter, you know, hell, I’ll watch Regis." --David Letterman

"What a week this has been. If you watched last night, I guess you know, Barack Obama got beat up by a girl. In her speech last night, Sarah Palin mocked Obama for giving speeches in front of adoring crowds and standing in front of a stage backdrop. Ironically, Palin did so in front of an adoring crowd standing in front of a stage backdrop." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535