That's right, they handled 16 million packages (ever since the economy was ruined by . . . someone)

"George W. Bush’s daughter, Jenna, just put her home in Baltimore on the market for $500,000. The real estate agent said, 'I just want to warn you that offers have gone way down ever since the economy was ruined by . . . someone.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is going to Haiti this weekend to deliver humanitarian aid. If there's one thing that's reassuring, it's seeing Sarah Palin above you in a helicopter." –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush's daughter, Jenna, is moving to New York City so that she can be closer to her twin sister, Barbara. Meanwhile, their dad plans to visit New York, so that he can be closer to 'Elf: The Musical.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Kate Gosselin was on the TLC show, 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' and Palin told Kate that you're putting your family in danger if you don't bring a gun with you in the wilderness. Of course there's always the other option: not taking your kids into the wilderness." –Jimmy Fallon

"FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That's right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, 'kind of a slow day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know how much twine it takes to strap a pine tree to the top of Air Force One? (the biggest meeting of media whores)

"China is holding about a trillion dollars in U.S. debt. Next time you go for Chinese food and the bill comes, tell them to put it on the tab." –Jay Leno

"The White House Christmas tree took four-and-a-half days to set up. You know how much twine it takes to strap a pine tree to the top of Air Force One?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study found that American schoolchildren rank 25th in math, 17th in science, and 14th in reading which, according to my calculations, means we're in third place. We're still leading in P.E., recess, and shop." –Jimmy Kimmel

"On Sarah Palin’s next show she gets together with Kate Gosselin and her kids. This may be the biggest meeting of media whores since Michael and Dina Lohan got together to conceive Lindsay." –Jimmy Kimmel 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

they have a party and President Obama crashes it (a cheap TV stunt)

"It's been more than 24 hours since the court struck down California's ban on gay marriage, but celebrations in San Francisco have been postponed until Friday. Well, there was a rerun of 'Glee,' so they had to wait. " –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama had dinner with Oprah and her friend Gayle on his birthday. Gayle said it was an honor to have dinner with the leader of the free world and President Obama." –Craig Ferguson

"The Salahis, White House party crashers, have their own show now. On their show, they have a party and President Obama crashes it." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is criticizing the president's visit to 'The View' as a cheap TV stunt. Then she went camping with Kate Gosselin." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Or as the TSA calls that, 'kind of a slow day.'

"Kate Gosselin was on the TLC show, 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' and Palin told Kate that you're putting your family in danger if you don't bring a gun with you in the wilderness. Of course there's always the other option: not taking your kids into the wilderness." –Jimmy Fallon



"FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That's right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, 'kind of a slow day.'" –Jimmy Fallon



They got it on the first guess

"The Palins and the Gosselins are going camping together on 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' I think they'll get lost in the woods and have to eat one of the Gosselin kids." –Jimmy Kimmel 



"Supporters of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have been targeting Sarah Palin's accounts. They figured out her password, which was 'Palin2012.' They got it on the first guess." –Jimmy Kimmel 



Then it’ll be up to President Palin

"On Sarah Palin’s next show she gets together with Kate Gosselin and her kids. This may be the biggest meeting of media whores since Michael and Dina Lohan got together to conceive Lindsay." –Jimmy Kimmel 



"So it’s Bush tax cuts for two more years, and then it’ll be up to President Palin." –David Letterman