"Osama bin Laden's son is now doing TV shows. He was on the 'Today'
show the other day. Osama bin Laden's son. I'm almost too embarrassed to be on
my own show. But this guy goes out and he's now saying his dad is very sorry
for attacking the United States. Osama bin Laden's son is saying that about
Osama bin Laden. He says, 'Dad is very sorry about that whole attack.' Well,
that's good enough for me. But apparently -- and it's not hard to believe --
that this guy Omar bin Laden had a troubled childhood, a difficult past. When
he was 17 -- and this is true, I looked it up -- when he was 17, he wrecked his
dad's camel." --David Letterman
"We
begin tonight with breaking news from the presidential campaigns [NBC's Brian
Williams reporting, 'The field of Republicans running for president got smaller
by one today. Fred Thompson is out']. I promised myself I wouldn't do this [on screen: Stewart
starting to cry]. It's a terrible shame, but at least now he can go back to the
job he loves as a cereal spokesperson [on screen: Frankenberry]. How the hell
did this happen? You remember back in August, Fred Thompson is flying high,
second in the polls in August. Expectations were high [on screen: Bill Kristol
saying, 'Fred Thompson knows what he is doing and he will be formidable']. Oh,
Bill Kristol, are you ever right?
It was at this point riding high that the
Fred Thompson campaign made a fatal and tragic mistake [on screen: Thompson
announcing he's running for POTUS on the 'Tonight Show']. He entered the race
and sank like a mother-f------ stone. Because what happened was the idea of
Fred Thompson suddenly became actual Fred Thompson. See, on screen [on screen:
Thompson, in character, yelling, 'Who in the hell could have made a mistake
like that?'] he pops. He has got the charisma. But in real life [on screen:
Thompson, at a debate, saying, 'I see no reason to see we're headed for -- ah
-- for an economic downturn']. In person, he lacks a certain ...
everything." --Jon Stewart
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