Meeting you would be the top thing on my bucket list (What could possibly go right?)

March 2023

“Former president Trump is releasing a book called "Letters to Trump" that's made up of 150 private letters sent to him by big-name celebrities like Oprah, the Clintons, and Liza Minnelli. It's kind of strange. Trump is bragging like, ‘Look at all the friends I used to have.’ Yep, the first five letters are from celebrities, the rest are just fan mail from Scott Baio. If the book does well, the next volume will be a collection of his favorite subpoenas.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I would like to see the letters that Trump wrote. It's like, ‘My dearest Colonel Sanders, I can't wait to meet you. Meeting you would be the top thing on my bucket list.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Did you guys see this? The WWE is in talks with multiple states about legalizing betting on scripted matches. Yep, betting on scripted matches. What could possibly go right?” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Can you imagine being Ted Cruz and still wanting to know what people were saying about you online? (mullet combs)

March 2022

“Ted Cruz even outslimed himself at Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Senate confirmation hearings this week. On Tuesday, you know, he singled out this children’s book called ‘Anti-Racist Baby’ for promoting critical race theory, which it actually doesn’t. He said the book teaches that babies are born racist, which it also doesn’t. And, as a result of Ted’s tirade, that book is now number one on Amazon — it’s the number one seller. It’s like the opposite of Oprah’s Book Club or something.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And not only is the book selling well, since Cruz’s little grandstand, Amazon is also seeing a spike in sales of psoriasis medication, wart remover, nose hair trimmers, male Spanx, slug repellent and mullet combs.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“If you’re wondering what Ted Cruz was really focused on during the hearings, somebody got a shot of him on his phone searching for his own name on Twitter. How embarrassing. And can you imagine being Ted Cruz and still wanting to know what people were saying about you online?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump may have caught another lucky break, thanks to this newly elected and soon to be reviled all around the world district attorney Alvin Bragg. Bragg, recently sworn in as the Manhattan district attorney, abruptly stopped the pursuit of an indictment against the former president for financial crimes following a years-long investigation. The shift prompted the resignation of a senior prosecutor on the investigation, Mark Pomerantz, who said in a resignation letter that he believed Trump was ‘guilty of numerous felony violations’ and that it was 'a grave failure of justice' not to pursue charges. Pomerantz went on to say that prosecutors have evidence Trump falsified financial records - he falsified hurricane records, of course he falsified financial ones. He’d falsify Don Jr’s birth certificate if he thought he could get his name off of it. If they don’t move forward with the investigation, that means Trump has now been let off the hook by Congress twice, Robert Mueller once, he just won that case against Stormy Daniels – I’m starting to think the only one who can bring him to justice is the Batman.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah (The moral crisis of our age)

"Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams." –Conan O'Brien

"Brian Williams of NBC News has admitted he embellished a story about being in a helicopter that was shot at in Iraq. Williams says the helicopter part was true but it was a coin-operated helicopter outside of a Chuck E. Cheese. It was in a bad part of Connecticut." –Conan O"Brien

"A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it." –Conan O'Brien

"The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

usually when two Florida guys get into a fight, they’re drunk and shirtless (Step 1: have a billion dollars)

January 2022

“Well, guys, former President Trump is in the news. Apparently he’s been trashing Florida governor Ron DeSantis behind his back, calling him a ‘dull’ guy who has no chance of beating him in a potential 2024 matchup. Trump was like, ‘I have to insult him behind his back ’cause I can’t tweet it to his face.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“I feel like Trump is slipping. A few years ago, he would have had, like, 10 nicknames for this guy by now. He’s, like, ‘Ron Dull-Santis.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“I think this is actually a nice change, ’cause usually when two Florida guys get into a fight, they’re drunk and shirtless.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But DeSantis doesn’t seem fazed. He said that he’s going to handle the insult just like Covid and completely ignore it.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Dennis Rodman is like the uncle that Kim Jong Un never had killed (My God, this guy is a lunatic)

January 2014

"Dennis Rodman had a media meltdown. During a satellite interview from North Korea, Rodman started screaming at a CNN reporter. There was an awkward moment when Kim Jong Un said, 'My God, this guy is a lunatic.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today President Obama invited unemployed Americans to the White House for a discussion about income inequality. Because if there's one way to show sympathy for the unemployed, it's to invite them to a giant white mansion that you get to live in for free." –Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama is staying at Oprah's house in Hawaii this week. Oprah told her housekeeper to make sure Michelle has clean linens at all times — then Stedman said, 'Yeah yeah, heard you the first time.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. And now he's facing a lot of criticism over a new interview where he said that North Korea is 'not that bad.' Even Kim Jong Un was like, 'Uh, yeah, it kind of is.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman took six former NBA players to North Korea to play against a local team in celebration of Kim Jong Un's 31st birthday. I guess after years of playing alongside Michael Jordan, Rodman is very comfortable with totalitarian dictators. Dennis Rodman is like the uncle that Kim Jong Un never had killed." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My God, this guy is a lunatic (Uh, yeah, it kind of is)

January 2014

"Dennis Rodman had a media meltdown. During a satellite interview from North Korea, Rodman started screaming at a CNN reporter. There was an awkward moment when Kim Jong Un said, 'My God, this guy is a lunatic.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today President Obama invited unemployed Americans to the White House for a discussion about income inequality. Because if there's one way to show sympathy for the unemployed, it's to invite them to a giant white mansion that you get to live in for free." –Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama is staying at Oprah's house in Hawaii this week. Oprah told her housekeeper to make sure Michelle has clean linens at all times — then Stedman said, 'Yeah yeah, heard you the first time.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. And now he's facing a lot of criticism over a new interview where he said that North Korea is 'not that bad.' Even Kim Jong Un was like, 'Uh, yeah, it kind of is.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman took six former NBA players to North Korea to play against a local team in celebration of Kim Jong Un's 31st birthday. I guess after years of playing alongside Michael Jordan, Rodman is very comfortable with totalitarian dictators. Dennis Rodman is like the uncle that Kim Jong Un never had killed." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry 

 

So if you're one of those crazy conspiracy theorists who thinks the government is watching you with satellites from space, you were right (inner stripper)

October 2013

"Another scandal with the National Security Agency, the NSA. You know how they've been accused of spying on Americans? Well, it just came out that they actually spied on 35 world leaders. Yeah, it was 34 prime ministers and Oprah." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report found that 700 IRS employees owe a combined $5.4 million in back taxes. When IRS workers got the news, they said, 'Oh man, I hope I don't find out about this!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A man in Oregon was arrested for growing marijuana after police used Google Earth to track him down. So if you're one of those crazy conspiracy theorists who thinks the government is watching you with satellites from space, you were right." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In the massive scaling back, I got massively scaled (only the closest Beyoncés)

August 2021

“So naturally there’s one question on everyone’s mind: did I go to Barack Obama’s birthday party? The 44th president celebrated his 60th birthday over the weekend with a celeb-filled, if still Covid-restrained, bash in Martha’s Vineyard. The original party was supposed to be starrier, with over 700 people including Oprah and George Clooney invited, but because of concerns about the highly transmissible delta variant, he was forced to limit his invites to only the closest Beyoncés.” —Stephen Colbert

“I did not make the final cut, as far as being invited to the party. It just goes to show you, kids, that if you work hard, put in your time, and get to be the number one show in late-night television, you too can get disinvited from the cool kids’ party.” —Stephen Colbert

“There were rumors that I was being disinvited from the cool kid’s party that was former President Barack Obama’s 60th birthday on Martha’s Vineyard over the weekend. Here’s the thing — a hot ticket is what it was, but given the whole pandemic thing and the Delta variant, a celebrity mosh pit was maybe not the wisest choice, so Obama decided to scale back the guest list for his party. In the massive scaling back, I got massively scaled.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which is officially the smallest amount of money ever stolen by a Republican (other than that, they say the trip went very well)

"Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton was in Indiana trying to

get more people there to like her. She claims to have

taken some incoming sniper fire at the Indianapolis

airport baggage carousel, but other than that, they

say the trip went very well." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"Tough day for the Bush administration. A guy named

Claude Allen has been arrested and charged in

Maryland with swindling Target and some other

department stores out of refunds. He allegedly made

off without about $5000 or so which is officially the

smallest amount of money ever stolen by a

Republican." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"Yesterday, the federal government announced

a massive plan to bail out a number of banking

institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans

more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective,

ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a

trillion dollars." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Harry’s kidnapper speaks (Royal-ish)

March 2021

“Well, guys, I have some news to make people feel a little better, and that is the royal family is just as messed up as everyone else’s.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Britain’s Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan Markle sat down for an interview last night with Oprah Winfrey, or as British tabloids reported it, ‘Harry’s kidnapper speaks.’” —Seth Meyers

“Yeah, it was a big event, mainly because they revealed the baby’s gender in California without burning down an entire forest.” —Jimmy Fallon

“They also told Oprah they’ve been cut off financially. Oprah was like, ‘Sorry, I already gave out all my cars — I can’t help you.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The ratings were so big, ABC just offered the couple their own weekly show called ‘Royal-ish.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”