I thought you meant we were going to be invaded by cat people (craziest State of the Union I’ve ever been to)

Some big news about the Russia investigation. It came out that Trump ordered the firing of Robert Mueller last summer. Even weirder, he ordered it through a McDonald’s drive-thru. “I want two Big Macs, a Diet Coke, and the termination of Robert Mueller.” --Jimmy Fallon

But Trump’s lawyer allegedly told him that if he fired Robert Mueller, it would have a catastrophic effect on his presidency. Then after a long pause, the lawyer said, “That means ‘bad,’ Mr. President.” [imitates Trump] “Oh, I’m sorry – I thought you meant we were going to be invaded by cat people.” --Jimmy Fallon

I saw that 83-year-old Republican Sen. Orrin Hatch was at the Grammys last night. Midway through, he turned to the person next to him and said, “This is the craziest State of the Union I’ve ever been to.” --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

practicing their “I’m horrified but I can’t show it” face (I just don’t want to be there)

Well, tomorrow is President Trump’s first State of the Union address. And you can tell he’s serious about it, because today he hopped on his computer and Googled “how to do State of the Union address.” --Jimmy Fallon

Of course, Trump’s been practicing his speech ahead of time. While Mike Pence and Paul Ryan are practicing their “I’m horrified but I can’t show it” face. --Jimmy Fallon

I heard that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will not be at the State of the Union, because of a previous commitment. When asked what she had to do, she said, “Oh, I just don’t want to be there.” --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

the first person ever eliminated from The Apprentice, the Trump administration, AND Celebrity Big Brother

A prominent former Trump staffer, Omarosa, has a new job. She will be joining the cast of “Celebrity Big Brother,” a.k.a. “Get Out 2.” --Jimmy Kimmel

Insiders say she left the White House for “Big Brother” because she wanted a more stable work environment. This is historic, because Omarosa could become the first person ever eliminated from “The Apprentice,” the Trump administration, AND “Celebrity Big Brother.” --Jimmy Kimmel

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

If I’m not mistaken, the Uniom was the side that won the Civil Warm (State of the Uniom)

They hand out tickets for this event, actual hard tickets. These are the tickets they handed out. You see right there, you’re invited to the address to the Congress on the State of the Uniom. So we’re already off to a good start. --Jimmy Kimmel

If I’m not mistaken, the Uniom was the side that won the Civil Warm, isn’t that right? Is there nothing they can’t screw up? That’s because we’re REAL Americans, not some pansy-a** spellers. --Jimmy Kimmel

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

the credit for lower black unemployment ironically goes to an unemployed black guy (he’s been training for this really for his whole life)

Jay-Z didn’t win any of the eight Grammys he was nominated for last night, but he did get a tweet from the president. Jay-Z was on “The Van Jones Show” Saturday night on CNN and I guess Trump didn’t like what he had to say, because he tweeted, “Somebody please inform Jay-Z that because of my policies black unemployment has just been reported to be at the lowest rate ever recorded.” I don’t know what policy he’s talking about. He didn’t even get a piece of major legislation passed until December, and black unemployment has been going down in pretty much a straight line since 2010. In other words, the credit for lower black unemployment ironically goes to an unemployed black guy. --Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is right now gearing up for his first State of the Union speech; it’s tomorrow night. State of the Union is the one day of the year presidents are supposed to brag about their accomplishments. So he’s been training for this really for his whole life. --Jimmy Kimmel

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Best Actress in a Movie About Newspapers (Oh, No... Not again!)

Ed Sheeran won two Grammy Awards. But poor Ed Sheeran. He was up for best pop solo performance in a category against four female nominees, and when he won Twitter attacked him. “This is ridiculous… in this year of all years, how dare Ed Sheeran beat those women…” You know Ed Sheeran didn’t actually “beat” any women. There was a vote. I mean, what’s he supposed to do? Write less popular songs? --Jimmy Kimmel

The big winner of last night was Bruno Mars. Bruno won six Grammy Awards, including Song of the Year, Album of the Year, and Record of the Year. You shouldn’t be able to win that many categories for the same thing. Imagine tuning in to the Oscars to see Meryl Streep win Best Actress, Best Actress with Long Hair, and Best Actress in a Movie About Newspapers. It’s too much. --Jimmy Kimmel

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

when I took over for the Wendy’s girl (or as they call that in Florida, a prodigy)

In Florida, a 7-year-old boy was arrested for punching his teacher. A 7-year-old boy — or as they call that in Florida, a prodigy. --Conan O’Brien

On Thursday, KFC announced that Colonel Sanders will now be played by Reba McEntire. People have not been this shocked since 2007, when I took over for the Wendy’s girl. Remember that? The stock went down 95 percent. --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html