You tell ’em, handsome!

Pope Francis loudly scolded a fan in Mexico yesterday after the man grabbed his arm and pulled him down. And after hearing that the Pope yelled at a Mexican, Donald Trump converted to Catholicism. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said at a recent campaign rally that he has “never met a human being who’s lied” as much as Ted Cruz. Then Melania said, “You tell ’em, handsome!” --Seth Meyers

A cellist in Oregon was arrested after police found over 100 pounds of marijuana in his car trunk. Thankfully, when they pulled him over, he didn’t resort to violins. --Seth Meyers

how to keep Americans safe from Matt Damon

President Obama said he believes Mr. Trump will not be president because the American people “recognize that being president is a serious job. It's not hosting a talk show." Maybe I don't get to do “serious” stuff like pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving but I'll tell you something, Mr. Obama: Every minute of every day I'm thinking about how to keep Americans safe from Matt Damon. –Jimmy Kimmel

Kendall and Kylie Jenner released a new iPhone app where it lets you enter the "glamorous and exciting world of Kendall and Kylie Jenner," another way of saying “stare at your phone for hours.” Once you download this app, your phone is no longer a smartphone. –Jimmy Kimmel

Must be nice

Hillary Clinton had a coughing fit during a speech and the crowd actually chanted her name as she opened a cough drop. She got applause for choking — or as Jeb put it, "Must be nice." –Jimmy Fallon

After his big win in New Hampshire, they say Hillary's team is trying to dig up dirt on Bernie Sanders. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on Bernie Sanders? An archaeologist. –Jimmy Fallon

What is going on with the Republicans? I watch these debates. Trump attacks Cruz. Rubio goes after Bush. Bush gets into a fight with Trump. Remember the good old days when the Republicans were all united against the poor and the minorities? What happened? –Jimmy Fallon

Hookers for Hillary

According to the latest national poll, Hillary Clinton's lead over Bernie Sanders has narrowed to ten points. Also narrowed, Hillary Clinton's eyes. –Seth Meyers

Apparently some prostitutes at a Nevada brothel have launched a campaign for Hillary Clinton called “Hookers for Hillary.” Yeah, they want to donate money to the Clintons - or as they call it, “Giving back.” –Jimmy Fallon

Actually during his speech at the rally, George W. Bush said his brother Jeb is the guy who can fix the problems that inflame our country’s frustrations. Or in other words, Jeb is America’s Preparation H. –Jimmy Fallon

your baby’s worth three times as much now

Republicans and Democrats are fighting over whether President Obama should be able to appoint Justice Scalia's successor. Democrats say that he should, whereas the Constitution says that he shall. –Seth Meyers

The Ted Cruz campaign has pulled a new ad after it was revealed that the actress in it has appeared in soft-core porn; and now Jeb has hired her to teach him how to act like he's enjoying something. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump just promised that he will no longer use foul language on the campaign trail. So now when people ask him his policy on ISIS, he just says “I'm going to bomb the shy-diddly-doodles out of them.” –Jimmy Fallon

During a recent rally in Louisiana, Donald Trump actually autographed someone’s baby. Even crazier, when he handed the baby back to the parents, Trump said, “Congratulations, your baby’s worth three times as much now." –Jimmy Fallon

the store was out of 'You totally embarrassed us' signs.

"Yesterday, when President Bush returned to Texas, people who were there to greet him were holding up signs that said, 'You made us so proud.' Afterwards, the people admitted that the store was out of 'You totally embarrassed us' signs." --Conan O'Brien 





"This morning, Barack Obama entered the Oval Office for the first time as president and he spent ten minutes alone. Yep. Shows you how things have changed. When President Bush spent ten minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time-out." --Conan O'Brien 



"Well, did you all see Obama's speech? He said America is finally ready to lead again, to which Bush said: 'Hey, I'm sitting here! Hello! I'm still here!'" --Jay Leno 



Challenge accepted

An Army lab has created a ready-to-eat pizza that lasts for three years. When he heard this, the CEO of Papa John’s said, "Challenge accepted." –Conan O’Brien

A recent study found that bottlenose dolphins sometimes murder other dolphins. However, police say it’s easy to find the culprit because dolphins love to squeal. –Conan O’Brien

Chris Christie announced yesterday that he's dropping out of the presidential race. Christie said he's not sure what he'll do now, and then someone reminded him he's still the governor of New Jersey. –Seth Meyers

Jeb Bush today said he is the only candidate who has the you-know-what to go up against Donald Trump. Oh, my god, Jeb. You can't claim to have balls if you don't even have the balls to say balls. –Seth Meyers