Didn't you used to be governor of New Jersey? (The Decider)

"Yesterday, President Bush announced that he was the decider. I was thinking, wasn't that an old CBS show with Joe Pantoliano?"

--David Letterman

"Yesterday, the White House sponsored the annual Easter Egg hunt on the South Lawn. The winning child found six eggs and fourteen lobbyists hiding in the bushes. Actually, if you saw it, yesterday's celebration was marred when three of the kids tested positive for steroids. And for the first time ever, President Bush welcomed some gay couples to the White House Easter Egg roll. In fact, he recognized one couple, he said, 'Didn't you used to be governor of New Jersey?'" --Jay Leno

"I don't want to say Rumsfeld is in trouble, but this morning they found him hiding in a spider hole." --Jay Leno

Every house cleaning starts by replacing the doormat (President Hu meets President Huh)

"The Bush administration reads the poll numbers, they know most Americans think their policies are failing, so they've responded by changing the person who tells us those policies. It's quite a bold move. Every house cleaning starts by replacing the doormat." --Daily Show correspondent Ed Helms

"During a Pentagon briefing, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said we're making progress and we're very close to capturing some high ranking officials. Unfortunately they are all retired U.S. generals." --Jay Leno

 "Chinese President Hu Jintao will also be visiting the White House. China's president meets America's president. President Hu meets President Huh." --Jay Leno

He said he wanted to spend more time lying to his family (I hope he's up to the job)

"Al Gore is coming out with a movie about global warming called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' It's described as a detailed scientific view of global warming. President Bush said he just saw a film about global warming, 'Ice Age 2; The Meltdown.' He said, 'It's so much better than that boring Al Gore movie.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush creating thousands of new jobs. The bad news, they're all in the White House. As you know, staff members have been leaving the White House in droves. Today, press secretary Scott McClellan stepped down. He said he wanted to spend more time lying to his family." --Jay Leno

"In true McClellan style, he then neither confirmed nor denied reports of a White House leak that instructed him not to let the door hit him in the ass on the way out. As they say, it's hard out there for a press secretary. There is no word yet on who will fill McClellan's shoes, although one rumored candidate is Tony Snow, a correspondent at Fox News. In other words, the White House is considering paying a Fox News reporter to tell the public what they want the public to hear. I hope he's up to the job." --Jon Stewart

President Bush had to ask, "Which one of us are you talking to?"

"President Bush met with the president of China at the White House. The arrival ceremony was interrupted by a protester who started yelling, 'Stop the persecution, stop the torture!' President Bush had to ask, 'Which one of us are you talking to?'" --Jay Leno

"Press secretary Scott McClellan resigned. I tell you, people in the White House are dropping faster than old guys hunting with Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"It is kind of ironic, Iraq is having trouble forming a government, and President Bush is having problems keeping the government he formed." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger are meeting here in California tomorrow. Their goal: To butcher the English language in a way that can never be  duplicated" --Jay Leno

two nations divided by a vast ocean and connected by Wal-Marts (Great Wall)

"The Chinese president, President Hu, visited the White House. He received a 21-gun salute although Cheney said it was just an accident." --Jay Leno

"In a speech welcoming the Chinese president to the White House, President Bush said the two nations are divided by a vast ocean and connected by Wal-Marts."  --Jay Leno

"During the big meeting [with Chinese President Hu], Vice President Cheney fell asleep, although the White House said he was just reading his notes. That's the same way he hunts: with his eyes closed. " --Jay Leno

"President Bush and Chinese President Hu said that our two countries are growing closer. In his speech, President Hu said China is providing more democracy and freedom for its people and President Bush said our government is moving closer to China's system of spying on people without warrants and holding people in jail without trials. Also, we're talking about building a 'Great Wall.'"  --Jay Leno

Bill Murray knows it's Monday, but...(You're Awesome)

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

President Hu and President Huh? (category five super-cyclone)

"What was Earth doing in the run-up to Earth Day? Well, over the last week it gave us a volcano erupting in Peru, earthquakes in Tibet, Indonesia and Japan, freak tornados in America and the Philippines, floods in Hungary, Romania, Malaysia and Kenya, wild fires in Colorado, and a category five super-cyclone that's about to destroy Darwin, Australia. Earth, could you meet me over at camera three please? Hey Earth, how's it going? So I guess kissing your ass doesn't work. We call you beautiful, precious, mother. Gave you your own day. Just like veterans and groundhogs. We even named you planet of the year in 1988 -- even though by any objective estimation that was Neptune's year. We try to make nice, and what do you do? Not only do you kill us in a thousand different ways, but when we raise your temperature by just a degree -- one little degree -- you're all, 'Oh, it's so hot now, my polar ice caps are melting!' You're a pussy! I got news for you, Earth, you're not the only rock in the neighborhood, you know what I'm saying?" --Jon Stewart

"President Bush was hosting the Chinese president at the White House, President Hu. Or as I call them when they're together: President Hu and President Huh? It was actually a very controversial summit. Some think it's wrong to meet a dictator with a deplorable human rights record, but apparently President Hu was okay with it." --Bill Maher