See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins

"We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." -Jay Leno

"President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year." -Jay Leno

"The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by 'American Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol?' See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins." -Jay Leno

Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?

"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9/11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?" -Jay Leno

"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out." -Jay Leno

"Two big announcements coming out of Washington, D.C. The tour of duty for 20,000 troops in Iraq may be extended. That's too bad. And the other announcement, the tour of duty for President Bush may not be extended." -David Letterman

"According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'" -David Letterman

I hear he's already working on his concession smirk

"With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something." -Craig Kilborn

"Doctor's concluded that the president Bush's fall hadn't done any damage when he appeared confused and disoriented." -Craig Kilborn

"The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk." -Craig Kilborn

it’s pretty ironic that Trump had to use Plan B

California produced $2.7 billion in medical marijuana sales last year — it's our biggest cash crop, not including the Kardashians. –Jimmy Kimmel

After saying in an interview that there should be punishment for women who undergo illegal abortions, Donald Trump last night started to walk back his comments by claiming he meant to say doctors should be punished. And I have to say, it’s pretty ironic that Trump had to use Plan B. –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders today held a campaign rally in the South Bronx. Sanders said it was great to be in a neighborhood where he wasn’t the loudest person. –Seth Meyers

Following the success of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” experts are reporting baby names like Kylo and Rey are increasing in popularity. As in, “Help! Someone just beat up Kylo and Rey!” –Seth Meyers

Trump Trails Ted by Ten (Try saying that 10 times fast)

Donald Trump met with the Republican National Committee today. I wish I could have been a part of that meeting. Like Dr. Frankenstein meeting with his monster. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is busy preparing for what might be a losing battle in Wisconsin. The Wisconsin primary is on Tuesday and in the most recent polls, Trump trails Ted Cruz by 10 points. Try saying that 10 times fast. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama yesterday commuted the sentences of 61 federal prisoners, most of whom were low-level drug offenders. Then he had lunch with a bunch of them. Obama ate lunch with seven former inmates. Usually former inmates have to be on the team that won the Super Bowl to get invited to the White House for lunch. –Jimmy Kimmel

His man cave was literally a cave

In an interview with a Swedish newspaper, an Iraqi woman revealed that she was married to a man for months before discovering that he was the leader of ISIS. Now, as much as that's bad news for her, it's good for us men, right? Because my wife thought it was bad that I sometimes sneak eating Krispy Kremes. It turns out it could be so much worse. –James Corden

An Iraqi woman revealed that she was married to a man for months before discovering that he was the leader of ISIS. This woman should have been tipped off when during the vows at their wedding the groom said, "Until death to America do us part." She said she thought it was strange that her husband would disappear for weeks at a time. But it makes sense. His man cave was literally a cave. –James Corden

I can’t believe you dummies let it go on this long!

Tomorrow is April Fools’ Day, which means everyone will be waiting for Donald Trump to finally say, “Gotcha! I never wanted to be president! I can’t believe you dummies let it go on this long!” –Jimmy Fallon

If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the two nominees, it will be the first time both parties' nominees are over 65 years old. Which should explain that one debate where they just play checkers in the park. “King me!” –Jimmy Fallon

Chipotle is considering opening a new restaurant that specializes in hamburgers. After what their burritos did, Chipotle now wants to ruin a new set of buns. –Jimmy Fallon