"We all know that if you look up Congress in the
dictionary it says, ‘Do-nothing f**ktards who couldn’t solve a problem if it
was eating them alive anus first." –Jon Stewart
"There's
now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad
news: If you're ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death
penalty." –Jay Leno
"Conservatives
like me know that in a budget crisis, everything nonessential has to go --
whether it's food for kids who aren't mine or some other stuff for people I
don't know." –Stephen Colbert
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