Even if he is convicted, he can still run for president (Nut Gravy)

“Of course, after the news broke, Trump got on social media and started ranting. And in one post, instead of writing ‘indicted,’ he accidentally wrote ‘indicated.’ Then when asked how he'll plead, Trump wrote ‘Nut Gravy.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“But if Trump is convicted, he could be imprisoned for four years — or two years with good behavior. So...four years.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But here's some good news for Trump. Even if he is convicted, he can still run for president. And he can still hold rallies because a lot of his supporters are also in prison. ‘January 6th? January 6th? January 6th? Come over to my table.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Flight Risk? He can't get up a ramp (Because they strike)

March 2023

“Donald Trump will surrender next week in court in New York and they say he’ll probably go right home. They say he's not a Flight Risk. Flight Risk? He can't get up a ramp.” —Bill Maher

“Everyone is talking about Trump's indictment. The news is so huge that even CNN was like, ‘We're back, baby!’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Of course, some people are worried that Trump's arrest will create division in the country. Right. 'Cause we were just having one big old pizza party before this.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I read that Trump and his team were caught off guard by the news as they thought any potential indictment was weeks away. Not great when everyone's like, ‘We knew you'd go to jail. We just didn't think it'd be so soon, you know?’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, that's what we'll use it for (I saw who paid the price)

A company in Japan has created a wearable milk tank shaped like a female breast in an effort to make it possible for men to breastfeed their children. Said men, "Yeah, that's what we'll use it for." --Seth Meyers

That's right. 89 years ago today, Colonel Sanders founded fast-food chain KFC. And boy, was Trump pissed when he found out he still had to come to work today. Meyers as Trump, "It's a holiday!" --Seth Meyers

Democratic presidential candidate John Hickenlooper revealed in a town hall last night that he once brought his mother with him to a screening of the movie "Deep Throat" due to confusion over movie ratings, saying, "I didn't know what an X-movie was. We thought it was a little naughty, but we didn't think it was that bad." Wait a minute! You stayed?! I saw the topless scene in "Titanic" with my mom, and we haven't spoken since! She's never met her grandkids! --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Russell Brand with Calley Means: “We’re Being POISONED!” | Big Pharma’s Dirty Secret

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jimmy Dore interviews Pierre Kory on Covid and Vaccines

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I was a little surprised that he hashtagged it, 'so hung over.' (Police became suspicious when nobody got into a fistfight)

"This week Pope Francis is celebrating his first anniversary as Pope, and he tweeted to his 3.7 million followers 'Please pray for me.' I was a little surprised that he hashtagged it, 'so hung over.'" –Seth Meyers

A woman in Wisconsin was arrested over the weekend after allegedly handing out marijuana cookies at a St. Patrick's Day parade. Police became suspicious when nobody got into a fistfight. --Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, 55% of Americans are in favor of abolishing the electoral college, but unfortunately, because of the electoral college, 55% is less than half. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Joe Rogan On Trump, Stormy Daniels: Didn't CLINTON Do That? Bill Maher: Arresting Trump Is A MISTAKE

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jimmy Dore: “The Vaccine Injured Have Been Abandoned” – Dr. Pierre Kory

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

And who do I make the check out to? (Glazed and Confused)

Ford announced today it will create 130 new jobs in Michigan. “Is one of them president?” asked Hillary. –Seth Meyers

As of this afternoon, over 300,000 people have signed a petition calling for first lady Melania Trump to either pay for her own security costs at Trump Tower in New York, or move into the White House. Said Melania, “And who do I make the check out to?” –Seth Meyers

Video was released this weekend of a man setting a new world record by eating 200 Peeps in 14 minutes. Unfortunately, the record was for “largest coffin.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One slip of the knife and your elite eight becomes a final four (Or as Kanye West calls it, March)

But we're not just tired today, we're also distracted because the NCAA College Basketball Championship bracket is set. Yes, it's time for March Madness! Or as Kanye West calls it, March. –James Corden

Congress voted to allow internet service providers to sell their customers’ web data without permission. I’ll just give all the viewers at home a moment to clear their browser history. –James Corden

A vasectomy is not something you want to get at the busiest time of the year. It's not an iPhone. It's an unnecessary surgery on the most delicate part of your body. You know if they screw it up, there's no amount of basketball games that's going to make it OK. One slip of the knife and your elite eight becomes a final four. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

MLB The Show: Akron RubberDucks vs Frisco Rough Riders (Koufax No Hitter)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Misfits - Halloween

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Samhain - Archangel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Gregory Isaacs - House Of The Rising Sun (Reggae Version)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh, it's approved. I’ll fly him myself (Oh, so this is what it feels like to be satisfied)

March 2023

“The J in Donald J Trump now stands for jail. It’s historic and it’s funny. It’s very, very funny. Of all the things he’s done, the one that bit Trump in the ass is a round of post-golf putter butter with the star of Sexbots: Programmed for Pleasure. Just a day earlier, Trump had praised the grand jury in an all-caps Truth Social post, saying the group were ‘NOT GOING TO VOTE AGAINST A PREPONDERANCE OF EVIDENCE’. And he was right. They voted for a preponderance of evidence against him. That evidence being his payment of $130,000 to Stormy Daniels, who he claims he doesn’t know, and his own lawyer saying Trump directed him to make that payment, and disguised that payment as a legal expense. That seems like a preponderance of evidence to me. Next week he’s going to have to write all this down on the wall of his cell with Cheeto dust. Best baseball opening day ever, I will say. Lady Justice is getting loose in the bullpen right now. We’ll bring her in in the ninth to close it out with insurrection and treason.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, guys, it finally happened. A New York grand jury has voted to indict former president Trump for his role in a hush-money payment made to Stormy Daniels. When she heard, Stormy Daniels was like, ‘Oh, so this is what it feels like to be satisfied.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“It gets even crazier, though. If Trump refuses to surrender, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis would have to approve a request to send him to New York. DeSantis was like, ‘Oh, it's approved. I’ll fly him myself.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He should see whether that grand jury will cut him a check for $130,000, because he is so screwed (telling your customers the truth is terrible for business)

March 2023

“I had a plan for my monologue on this evening, but literally three minutes before I came out here, the New York Times reported that a Manhattan grand jury had voted to indict Donald Trump over hush money payments made to porn star Stormy Daniels during the 2016 presidential election. Trump was right: we’re finally saying Merry Christmas again! I didn’t know if this was going to be coming, I thought maybe it would never come. I used to think, ah, what does it matter if it came. I didn’t know it would feel this good. This is good news for everybody, even him! He now gets to join his J6 prison choir. He should see whether that grand jury will cut him a check for $130,000, because he is so screwed.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Dominion Voting Systems lawsuit against Fox News, which has demonstrated proof that Fox knew that if they told the truth and exposed the former president’s lies, they would alienate their co-dependent viewers. One document from the lawsuit shows the CEO of Fox News condemning a reporter who fact-checked Trump’s election fraud lies on air, writing in an email: ‘This has to stop now. The audience is furious … Bad for business.’ Yes, telling your customers the truth is terrible for business. That’s why Arby’s quickly abandoned their old slogan: ‘We have the hog anus.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Russell Brand: Biden's refusal to lower prices on cancer drugs

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Roxy Music - Love Is The Drug

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

When asked what inspired the pandas, they said, “Uh, ’shrooms.” (the only place where a 51 is a passing grade)

Today, the Senate officially confirmed Betsy DeVos as education secretary, with a vote of 51 to 50. Or as Donald Trump calls that, “a landslide.” It was actually a 50-50 tie vote that was broken by the vice president. Which makes the vote for education secretary the only place where a 51 is a passing grade. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics, and they had some crazy stuff. They had a big conga line, they had a giant snow globe. They had glow-in-the-dark pandas on roller skates. When asked what inspired the pandas, they said, “Uh, ’shrooms.” --Jimmy Fallon

"50 Shades Darker" just released a new immersive virtual reality experience that claims to take you inside the movie. Or as wives everywhere put it, "Here’s my credit card. Why don't you and the kids go to the mall for a couple of hours?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I've heard you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

MLB The Show: Arizona Diamondbacks (S15 Hulse HRs 23-28)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Biden WH BULLIED Social Media To Censor COVID-19 Content, Jim Jordan's Weaponization Hearing Claims

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jimmy Dore: Jeremy Corbyn Leaves Labour Party, Will Run As Independent!

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

NBA2K: Indiana Pacers vs Memphis Grizzlies (Buzzer Beater)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Sorry, but I'm just tired of seeing people's packages (Pretend the last four years never happened)

In April, the White House will host France's President Macron for his first state dinner. Or as Trump has been telling people, "We're having macaroons for dinner." --Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is expected to announce he's running for re-election in 2020. Yep, he's even got a great slogan: "Pretend the last four years never happened." --Jimmy Fallon

A mail carrier in Florida is refusing to deliver mail to a nudist community. He said, "Sorry, but I'm just tired of seeing people's packages." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I offered him a lot -- sanctions relief, a trade agreement... Don Jr. (for the whole 20-hour flight home, Trump was blasting Taylor Swift)

President Trump left his summit with Kim Jong-un early because they couldn't reach an agreement. Yep, he walked out on Kim, but before he drove away, Trump rolled the window down, and he said, "I just want to take another look at you." It really seemed like they were getting along, but Trump took off before the summit was finished. I don't want to call it a breakup, but for the whole 20-hour flight home, Trump was blasting Taylor Swift. --Jimmy Fallon

I heard that Trump was trying to get Kim to give up his nuclear program. Trump was like, "I offered him a lot -- sanctions relief, a trade agreement... Don Jr." --Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is going to a political conference in India next month. Palin said she's loved India ever since she saw 'Hoosiers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Beginning Is Near (Crap, I missed)

"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one." --Jimmy Fallon

Trump Tower in Chicago was struck by lightning during the Illinois primary, which Donald Trump went on to win. Nobody was hurt, but God was like, "Crap, I missed." –Jimmy Fallon

But before he flew home, Trump told reporters that he could have signed a deal with North Korea, but he'd rather do it right than do it fast. Or as Stormy Daniels put it, "That's a first." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Night of the Living Nail Clippers (Do what I do, choose neither)

It was announced that Canada plans to legalize marijuana by July of next year. It’s exciting for Americans because now they can add weed to the list of drugs they buy in Canada. –Jimmy Fallon

That's right, Trump and Kellyanne Conway’s husband are in a huge Twitter feud right now. But Kellyanne says that she's not being asked to choose between her marriage and her job. And Trump was like, "Do what I do, choose neither." --Jimmy Fallon

A man claims that this weekend, he snuck past Secret Service at Mar-a-Lago to take a selfie in President Trump’s private study. But Trump is denying this, saying there is no way he’d ever have a study. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How can you disapprove of a job I’m not even doing? (Fake polls?)

It’s been a rough few days for President Trump, and this week it came out that his job approval rating is at just 36 percent. Trump was confused. He said, “How can you disapprove of a job I’m not even doing? Fake poll.” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump’s approval rating is worse than Obama’s lowest, and worse than Bill Clinton’s lowest. After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern. –Jimmy Fallon

A spring training game was delayed recently when a player for the Chicago Cubs was swarmed by bees. The player was fine, while the pitcher had no idea what signal he was getting. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Things got off to a rough start when Biden was the only one who showed up wearing a toga (Well, cancel the party)

March 2023

“Well, guys, today in Washington, D.C., it was the deadline for U.S. federal agencies to remove TikTok from all government devices. And five minutes later, inflation, climate change, and world peace were immediately solved.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Apparently, government employees were really into TikTok today. One White House staffer finally looked up from his phone and said, ‘Vice President Biden, what are you doing here?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Some more news -- today, President Biden held a reception at the White House to celebrate Greek Independence Day. Things got off to a rough start when Biden was the only one who showed up wearing a toga.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Guys, listen to this. I read that the grand jury weighing charges against former president Trump over hush payments made to Stormy Daniels is taking the next month off. What? Even Ted Cruz is like, ‘You're going on vacation now?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep. A potential indictment is at least a month away. Melania was like, ‘Well, cancel the party.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the green M&M doesn’t give them boner any more (It's military intervention)

March 2023

“Fox News have put themselves in a situation where they’ve tied their financial and political success to Trump and his base – a base they helped create. But now that Trump is under multiple criminal investigations and has tanked the GOP in those three successive national elections, Fox is gently trying to nudge their audience toward DeSantis without pissing them off. 

This included the Fox commentator and former congressman Jason Chaffetz, who called Trump’s interview with Hannity ‘terrible’ and said, ‘he’s the former president of the United States! Act like it!’ I’m sorry, which Donald Trump were you expecting – the Donald Trump who whines, complains and plays the victim card, or the Donald Trump who doesn’t f*cking exist? Because there’s only the first one. 

He’s got two shticks: punching down and playing the victim. That’s it. That’s the whole deal. And as much as the rest of us hate it, for Republican voters, that’s not a negative for Trump. That’s why he’s the GOP frontrunner. 

Either these guys still don’t get it or they’re just pretending not to get it because they don’t want to admit that they’ve devoted their lives to a morally and ideologically bankrupt political movement whose main goals are cutting taxes, making it easier for people to get guns and losing their sh*t over the fact that the green M&M doesn’t give them boner any more.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”