I guess that's better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater

"It's basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions." –Jon Stewart on the Bush Presidential Library



"I guess that's better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater." –Jon Stewart on the "Decision Points Theater" exhibit at the Bush Presidential Library

"In President Bush's high school yearbook, he was voted least likely to have a library named after him." –Jay Leno



"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was in Texas today for the dedication of George W. Bush's presidential library. The library is already done, but they brought in Christie for a second ground breaking." –Jimmy Fallon 

But nobody can find it..

"These brothers killed a young policeman, carjacked an SUV, ending with a high-speed chase and a firefight in which Tamerlan was mortally wounded, ending his life as all Islamic terrorists dream: at Beth Israel Hospital." –Stephen Colbert on the Boston Marathon bombers



"I mean, at the end of this man's presidency, even as my fellow conservatives were abandoning George Bush like rats on a sinking ship on a crash course with Cat Island, I remained faithful, and I'm sure he knows that from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized." –Stephen Colbert

"The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it." –David Letterman



I think he's in the shallow end

"These are two bombers – they are two brothers, ethnic Chechens, which is in southern Russia – who came to the U.S. from the country of Kyrgyzstan, which is in central Asia. And today George W. Bush vowed revenge and called for an immediate invasion of Puerto Rico." –Bill Maher on the Boston bombers

"Down in Texas Thursday is the opening of the George Bush Presidential Library and Think Tank. I think he's in the shallow end." –Jay Leno



"Senator John McCain went on TV this week to call Kim Jong-Un a clown and a fool. As you know, according to John McCain, that would still make him eligible to be vice president." –Jay Leno



Hey, wouldn't it be cool if your cooch had a gun in it?

"Congressman Jeff Duncan today said background checks could lead to a national gun database, which would lead to genocide like in Rwanda when the Hutus slaughtered the Tutsis. See, this is why we should not get our hopes up for a gun control bill. It's like talking about fire safety with a pyromaniac." –Bill Maher



"Street corner crazies are now in Congress. Listen to this one. Congressman Steve Stockman tweeted his new slogan: 'If babies had guns, they wouldn't be aborted.' What a great way for Republicans to win back women: 'Hey, wouldn't it be cool if your cooch had a gun in it?" –Bill Maher 

"These people are mental. Congressman Joe Barton of Texas used Noah's Ark as evidence that global warming doesn't' exist. He said, 'If you're a believer in the Bible, one would have to say the Great Flood is an example of climate change and that certainly wasn't because mankind had overdeveloped hydrocarbon energy.' Can we forget Noah? This guy needs to start collecting two of every chromosome." –Bill Maher 

Unless it keeps black people from voting..

"John Boehner said today he wants to take away North Korea's missiles, but he won't because that's a slippery slope from there to gun control." –Bill Maher



"Republicans did not have the votes for a filibuster, so there will be a debate about the gun bill. And given the recent rash of gun violence, Republicans said it was the least they could do. Literally, they had a meeting and said, 'What is the least we can do?'" –Bill Maher



"Sixty eight senators want to move forward on background checks, and 31 – all of them Republicans – say no, that is the death of freedom. They are sticking with the principle that asking for any kind of ID would be a horrible violation of the Constitution, unless it keeps black people from voting. Then, it is a fantastic idea." –Bill Maher



That thing on his head is pregnant

"Last night President Obama hosted Republican senators for dinner at the White House. The president said he had to do without salt, pepper, and butter – because as you know, the Republicans refuse to pass anything." –Jay Leno 



"Donald Trump is going to be a grandfather. It's true. That thing on his head is pregnant." –Craig Ferguson 

"Stop buying the hype about North Korea. Think about it -- Monday is tax day. This is why your taxes are so high because they scare you into giving your money to the Pentagon." –Bill Maher 

I'm sure that he'll provide some stiff competition

"I believe the time is right. Anthony Wiener is a changed man. His own brother gave The New York Times this moving testimonial: 'There was definitely a douchiness about him I don't see anymore.' I think his mayoral campaign just found his slogan: 'Anthony Weiner, now less douchey.'" –Stephen Colbert



"That reduction, that lowering in the douchey level, has not come easy. As Weiner's brother pointed out, 'No one has been harder on him than he has been on him than he has been on himself.' And we all know how hard he can be on himself." –Stephen Colbert



"Former Congressman Anthony Weiner said that he's considering running for mayor of New York City. If nothing else I'm sure that he'll provide some stiff competition." –Jimmy Fallon