Find out if your stadium has a ramp

“The Rolling Stones have announced a new North American stadium tour. If you want to know if they're coming to your city, find out if your stadium has a ramp.”—Seth Meyers

“It's so unfair. Mick Jagger dances around for three hours. He's fine. I ran up the stairs today and had to shut it down for half an hour.” —Seth Meyers

but they do have a laugh track..

“The Atlanta Falcons have been fined and lost a draft pick for using fake crowd noise through their loudspeaker system at the stadium. The New York Jets do not use fake crowd noise, but they do have a laugh track.”—David Letterman

 “Here's the latest on the Iran deal. Iran says they will not make nuclear weapons if the U.S. doesn't make more movies with Seth Rogen and James Franco.” —David Letterman

She broke the Kentucky rule — never mix beer and liquor

“Nigeria just held their election and their incumbent president, whose actual name is Goodluck Jonathan, lost the race. He was beaten by his rival, Betterluck Jonathan.” —Conan O’Brien

“A Kentucky woman has been arrested for giving a 1-year-old child beer and rum. She broke the Kentucky rule — never mix beer and liquor.” —Conan O’Brien

How can I get your job?

“According to a new study, the marijuana in Colorado is almost twice as strong as it was 20 years ago. Of course, people had some questions for the scientists, like "How can I get your job?" —Jimmy Fallon

“Taco Bell is replacing the “Waffle Taco” with its new “Biscuit Taco,” which is a taco-shaped biscuit filled with eggs, sausage, or chicken. That story again: Weed is twice as strong as it used to be.” —Jimmy Fallon

How would you like to pay for that?

“McDonald's is introducing a Big Mac clothing line. Of course there already is a clothing line for Big Mac lovers. It's called a hospital gown.”—Conan O’Brien

“According to a new study, human waste contains gold and other special minerals. In the future this could make things awkward when a cashier asks, "How would you like to pay for that?"—Conan O’Brien

He's being kept in a hospital overnight for observation

"Ted Cruz raised over a million dollars after announcing that he’s running for president. Which is why today RadioShack announced that it is also running for president." —Jimmy Fallon

"Vin Diesel said that "Fast and Furious 7" will win the Oscar for best picture. He's being kept in a hospital overnight for observation."—Conan O’Brien

That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is.

"Senator Ted Cruz has officially announced that he is running for president. But if you see a T-shirt that says 'Ted Cruz 2016,' those aren’t election shirts. That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is." –Seth Meyers

"Republican candidate Ted Cruz said recently that in the 36 hours after he announced that he's running for president, he’s raised over a million dollars. And Hillary Clinton closed her checkbook and said, “Happy to help. Can't wait."—Jimmy Fallon