I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security

"Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry – doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues." –Conan O'Brien 

"There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? 'Honey, I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security.'" –Jay Leno



"We have New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and chef Mario Batali on the show tonight. It's great to have a guest who's so passionate about food. And it's an honor to have Mario Batali here as well." –Jimmy Fallon

It's the goodest news they have heard all year

"House Speaker John Boehner called NSA's Edward Snowden a traitor. But only because he leaked the name of his tanning bed." –Conan O'Brien



"Marco Rubio announced a new bill that would require immigrants to learn English to become citizens. Many Americans already say it's the goodest news they have heard all year." –Conan O'Brien

"Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book '1984' have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It's making Americans read." –Conan O'Brien 

Then he made Chris Christie a saint

"Pope Francis said it is a sin for people to waste food. He made that proclamation and then he made Chris Christie a saint." –Conan O'Brien 

"Edward Snowden said today he was going to disclose all this information earlier, but he wanted to wait until after the election. To which Mitt Romney said, 'Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it.'" –Jay Leno

That's like going to Ireland to avoid getting drunk

"A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. Well, the GOP is listening because today they told young people everywhere to 'be prepared to receive a very exciting fax from us.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"The same conservatives who were all for the Patriot Act are now freaked out about this. They're like, 'When we said the president could do whatever the f*ck he wanted, we didn't mean a black guy.'" –Bill Maher 

"Edward Snowden went to China to avoid government persecution. That's like going to Ireland to avoid getting drunk." –Jimmy Fallon 

KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second..

"A new report says that Donald Trump has spent one million dollars trying to figure out if he should run for president in 2016. Experts are already calling it the World Most Expensive 'No.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"A new study just came out. It found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second. Yes. It was 50 pieces a second, but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled." –Conan O'Brien



"President Obama says he is renewing his efforts to close Guantanamo Bay. How about closing the IRS? Why don't we do that? How about shipping the IRS to Guantanamo Bay?" –Jay Leno 

She's the before-picture in a tranquilizer ad

"The lights are a little dimmer in Crazytown tonight. In the struggle between reality and Michele Bachmann, reality has won. Flags are being flown at half mast at the Laugh Factory. Michele Bachmann is out. Still no word on her husband Marcus." –Bill Maher



"Michele Bachmann said it was a very tough decision, but after a lengthy discussion with her husband, her staff her constituents, and with the little ballerina that twirls around on the top of her jewelry box, she wanted to spend more time as Carrie's mom. And also, she has a new job lined up. She's the before-picture in a tranquilizer ad." –Bill Maher 

The World Most Expensive 'No.'

"President Obama says he is renewing his efforts to close Guantanamo Bay. How about closing the IRS? Why don't we do that? How about shipping the IRS to Guantanamo Bay?" –Jay Leno 

"A new study just came out. It found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second. Yes. It was 50 pieces a second, but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled." –Conan O'Brien 

"A new report says that Donald Trump has spent one million dollars trying to figure out if he should run for president in 2016. Experts are already calling it the World Most Expensive 'No.'" –Conan O'Brien