Very white rice that is highly suspicious of the beans

"Hispanics and Republicans go together like beans and very very white rice that is highly suspicious of the beans." –Stephen Colbert, on Republican claims that the Hispanic vote should belong to the GOP



"Last night was one of the highest rated Super Bowls ever, with 108 million people watching. This year's game added $430 million to the New Orleans economy — apparently none of which was used to pay the electric bill." –Jimmy Fallon



"The lights in the Superdome went out for 33 minutes at the beginning of the third quarter. The 49ers were just standing around on the field, not knowing what to do — and then the blackout happened." –Jimmy Fallon



Con men like Rush and Beck are one reason..

"Con men like Rush and Beck are one reason the Republicans are in such dire straits today. Because they don't care about winning elections. They care about separating rubes from their money. They've discovered there's a fortune to be made by keeping a small portion of America under the illusion that they are always under attack. From Mexicans, or ACORN, or Planned Parenthood, or gays, or takers, global warming hoaxers; it doesn't matter. They don't want a majority. They want a mailing list, a list of the kind of gullible Honey Boo Boos out there who think that there's a War on Christmas, and that the socialist policies of our Kenyan President have been so disastrous that the end of the world is coming." –Bill Maher 

They say it's mostly because of old people misplacing the clicker

"Fox News has their lowest ratings in 10 years. But Fox says it's not a case of them losing credibility. They say it's not because they're now widely seen as a clearing house for discredited ideas. They say it's mostly because of old people misplacing the clicker." –Bill Maher



"In an interview last week, Obama said he loves to shoot skeet up at Camp David. Republicans said if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of it? Why have we not seen photos of it? Yes, because nothing would ease the Republican mind more than a photo of the black president with a gun." –Bill Maher



The other 22% burst into flames

"Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions." –David Letterman



"A new poll found 78% of respondents believed the planet had warmed over the past 100 years. The other 22% burst into flames." –Stephen Colbert

"The Dow hit 14,000. It hasn't been that high since 2007, heading toward an all-time high. Just think of how big it would be if Obama wasn't such a socialist." –Bill Maher



Terrible news for the monkey

"Tom Tancredo, who was a congressman from Colorado and ran for president, made a bet that his state would not legalize marijuana. And of course, he lost that bet. And you know what he has to do because he lost that bet? Yes, he's got a suck on a joint. I just hope in the next few years he loses a bet on gay marriage." –Bill Maher



"In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to 'stop being the stupid party.' Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno



"Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he'd finally gotten out of Iran." –Jimmy Fallon 





If you are in Washington DC and you open your mouth and another voice comes out

"Yesterday House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do the Republicans look like they need help from President Obama?" –Jay Leno



"Lip-synching – let that be a lesson; if you are in Washington DC and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company, or a bank." –Bill Maher



"Republican Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana said 'we must stopped being the stupid party.' Good luck with that. When Sarah Palin heard that, she demanded an apology. She said, 'How dare he insult hard-working, patriotic, idiotic Americans like me.'" –Bill Maher



Less than half of you are parasites

"Where did we go wrong? The Republicans had everything going for them – a terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent, and a positive message for the American voter: 'less than half of you are parasites.'" –Stephen Colbert



"Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed on to a new 'Terminator' film. Due to his age, this one features the catchphrase, 'I'll be back right after 'Wheel of Fortune.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do Republicans look like they need any help from President Obama? They're doing a hell of a job themselves." –Jay Leno