This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave

"Next year's Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave." –Conan O'Brien



"A member of Congress is criticizing Steven Spielberg after he discovered parts of the movie 'Lincoln' are historically inaccurate — particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark." –Conan O'Brien



"In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great. Two more jobs lost under Obama." –David Letterman

Donald Trump has gone into hiding

"The lights went out in the third quarter, which is weird because normally I don't experience a blackout until after a Super Bowl party." –Jimmy Fallon



"U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy. Of course, most of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé." –Conan O'Brien



"A Justice Department memo claims that President Obama has the right to order the assassination of an American anywhere in the world. Isn't that crazy? In a related story, Donald Trump has gone into hiding." –Conan O'Brien 



Very white rice that is highly suspicious of the beans

"Hispanics and Republicans go together like beans and very very white rice that is highly suspicious of the beans." –Stephen Colbert, on Republican claims that the Hispanic vote should belong to the GOP



"Last night was one of the highest rated Super Bowls ever, with 108 million people watching. This year's game added $430 million to the New Orleans economy — apparently none of which was used to pay the electric bill." –Jimmy Fallon



"The lights in the Superdome went out for 33 minutes at the beginning of the third quarter. The 49ers were just standing around on the field, not knowing what to do — and then the blackout happened." –Jimmy Fallon