Ha ha you said 69

"People are mad at Congress because of the shutdown. According to a new poll, 69 percent of Americans say that House Republicans are acting like children. I think they may have a point because when asked about it, Republicans said, 'Ha ha you said 69.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Senator Ted Cruz announced he's donating his paycheck during the shutdown to charity. Well, the charity is called Ted Cruz for President." –Conan O'Brien



 

"Russian president Vladimir Putin has been named a candidate for this year's Nobel Peace Prize. His chances of winning are good because his strategy is to have the other nominees killed." –Conan O'Brien