20 years later he still has your room (third-place vaccine)

November 2021

“It is looking more and more likely that Covid may stay with us forever, like that uncle who said he was ‘just passing through town’ and then 20 years later still has your room.” —Trevor Noah

“Luckily, America has more than enough vaccines for every man, woman and child – so many doses that the US has announced plans to deliver doses of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine to people living in conflict zones such as the Democratic Republic of the Congo, South Sudan and Yemen. America is sending the Johnson & Johnson vaccine into conflict zones? Hasn’t Yemen been through enough? I mean, it’s bad enough that poor countries get T-shirts from the losing Super Bowl team, but now they have to get the third-place vaccine?” —Trevor Noah

“I know there are a lot of reasons why it’s better to send J&J to conflict zones than Moderna or Pfizer – it’s easier to transport, and you don’t need to depend on people being able to come back for a second shot. But I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some American officials who were like, ‘well we’re not gonna waste the good vaccines on someone who’s just going to step on a landmine tomorrow, right fellas?’” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

now you’ve got innocent cokeheads snorting asbestos, it’s unacceptable! (If You Haven't Figured It Out)

November 2021

“The legal maneuverings of the health products giant Johnson & Johnson to avoid liability for its popular talcum baby powder. The company is facing thousands of lawsuits over allegations that its powder was contaminated with asbestos. Johnson & Johnson has long denied the link, but documents reveal the company knew about small amounts of asbestos in its products as far back as 1957. 

The company has recalled the product and been forced to pay hundreds of millions of dollars in settlements for women who attribute their ovarian cancer to the powder. That’s a lot of lawsuits. I mean, you know you fucked up when your company is giving away more money than Power Bowl.

You cannot be selling baby powder with asbestos in it. People are rubbing the stuff all over their bodies. Not to mention the cocaine dealers who mix it in with their product – now you’ve got innocent cokeheads snorting asbestos, it’s unacceptable!

Johnson & Johnson has found a cure, but unfortunately, it’s not a cure for the cancer. It’s for the company’s legal problems. Through an audacious legal loophole, a shadow company of Johnson & Johnson, based in New Jersey, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in Texas.

J&J founded the alternative company, LTL, in Texas, a state with lax regulations; dumped all the billions of legal liability into it; and then promptly filed for bankruptcy. This is insane, people – Johnson & Johnson is pretty much trying to do the first thing everyone thinks of when they get caught: blame it on your evil identical twin.

I mean, we’ve all tried it, but it somehow actually works if you’re a large corporation. Honestly, I’m almost impressed, I just wish they put as much effort into Covid immunity as they did into legal immunity.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the best way to prevent the two things parents fear the most (Sorry, but with all the wars we just can't afford you)

October 2021

“Last night, an F.D.A. panel gave the green light to the Pfizer vaccine for kids between the ages of 5 and 11. That’s right. That’s right, kids’ vaccines are the best way to prevent the two things parents fear the most: Covid and home-schooling.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Now kids can forget about Covid and worrying about that and go too spreading every other disease known to man.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Here’s how the vaccine will work: Older kids can get Pfizer, younger kids can get Moderna, and the middle child can get Johnson & Johnson.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, kids, guess who gets to go to the doctor twice in the space of three weeks? And, don’t worry, he will stab you!” —Stephen Colbert

“In a few weeks, you’re going to see bouncers outside Chuck E. Cheese checking vaccine cards.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

More concerning the F word he keeps using is forget (Do a flip!)

October 2021

Pfizer reported on Friday that their Covid vaccine for children is 90% effective. Meanwhile Johnson & Johnson reported that their vaccine for children is just Capri Sun. —Colin Jost

At a CNN town hall President Biden said that he had not had time to visit the Southern border, though his approval rating has. —Colin Jost

Insiders are also saying during meetings President Biden uses the F word in conversation. More concerning the F word he keeps using is forget. —Colin Jost

A video was posted of a recent Smash Mouth concert in which the lead singer is seen slurring his words, doing a Nazi salute and threatening to kill an audience member. And it gets worse. He then started singing. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No, no, it’s definitely Johnson (now you have The Avengers)

October 2021

“Let’s kick things off with the topic on everyone’s mind: vaccine booster shots. They’re like a butt lift for your immune system. And one thing people are wondering about is whether they should mix and match their shots, because maybe vaccines are like superheroes. Sure, Iron Man can save your life, but if you follow him up with Captain America, now you have the Avengers.” —Trevor Noah

“This is kind of like mixing alcoholic beverages — you can do it, but should you? Just remember the rule of thumb: Moderna before Pfizer, always wiser. Pfizer before Moderna, some concern-a.” —James Corden

“The government is careful to say they would not recommend one shot over another. They’re like parents talking to their kids about college: ‘Hey, pick whatever major makes you happy, as long as it’s not poetry or Johnson & Johnson.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Clearly, someone at the company has to be held accountable for this. Personally, I blame Johnson. Then again, maybe it was Johnson I should blame? No, no, it’s definitely Johnson.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

New communist Superman cancels Mr Potato Head’s Christmas p*nis (Legally Speaking, Probably a Few Tears)

October 2021

“For both Pfizer and Moderna, the recommendation is that after six months, people over the age of 65 or who have pre-existing conditions should get a booster. But for Johnson & Johnson, the panel recommends boosters for people 18 and older, and it can be given two months after the first shot. Cool! Hey, you know when that information would have come in handy? Two months after the first shot!” —Stephen Colbert

“In related news, the F.D.A. has asked Johnson & Johnson to rename its ‘No More Tears’ shampoo to ‘Legally Speaking, Probably a Few Tears.’” —James Corden

“There is major news about the most powerful man in the world. That would be Superman, whose maker, DC Comics, announced a new motto for the 83-year-old superhero character: ‘Truth, justice, and a better tomorrow.’ The change tweaks his long-running catchphrase: ‘Truth, justice, and the American way.’ You know, it makes sense to change it. If Superman really followed the current American way, he would fly to school board meetings to scream about how the vaccine gave him heat vision. Changing the slogan for this cartoon has made a lot of people angry – which, of course, is the American way. The ‘American way’ wasn’t Superman’s original motto – it was added by the Superman radio show during the second world war. But a lot has changed since the 1940s. Back then, Superman was also doing ads for cigarettes – ‘be like Superman: smoke Chestertons and you’ll never die!’” —Stephen Colbert

“In a statement, DC Comics said the slogan change was intended to ‘honor Superman’s incredible legacy of over 80 years of building a better world’. Or, as Fox News put it: ‘New communist Superman cancels Mr Potato Head’s Christmas penis.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We’re out of Coke; is Dom Pérignon OK? (I blame the second Johnson)

April 2021

“And today if you had a Johnson & Johnson appointment in New York, they gave out Pfizer instead. Yeah, it’s like going to a restaurant and hearing, ‘We’re out of Coke; is Dom Pérignon OK?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Honestly, if you ask me, I think it’s impressive Johnson & Johnson even made a vaccine with such a low chance of blood clots. Pfizer and Moderna are drug companies; Johnson & Johnson makes baby shampoo — I’m surprised their [expletive] works at all.” —Trevor Noah

“When reached for comment, Johnson said it was Johnson’s fault, but Johnson pointed the finger at Johnson.” —Stephen Colbert

“I blame the second Johnson. He never graduated high school.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Johnson & Johnson is owned by the same family who owns the New York Jets, so don’t think of this as a pause; think of it more like a 50-year rebuild.” —Jimmy Fallon

“There is no question that this is a setback with Johnson & Johnson’s vaccine. It’s a setback for a country that is already dealing with a shit-ton of vaccine hesitancy. But the US is still doing a really good job with its vaccine rollout. Which, you have to admit, is a little unexpected. I mean, given how America handled everything else about the pandemic, I wouldn’t have been surprised if when vaccine time came around, America accidentally locked all 300 million doses in the trunk of the car.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But the good news is that your shampoo might cure Covid (you’ve got to treat people with respect)

April 2021

Delta Airlines, which is based in Atlanta, publicly criticized Georgia’s new restrictive voting laws, and you know you messed up when Delta is like, ‘Hey, you’ve got to treat people with respect.’ —Colin Jost

Donald and Melania Trump have launched a website dedicated to ‘preserving the magnificent legacy of the Trump administration.’ And it will honor the most lasting part of Trump’s legacy by giving your computer an uncontrollable virus. —Colin Jost

Fifteen million doses of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine have been delayed following an ingredient mix-up at the factory. But the good news is that your shampoo might cure Covid. —Colin Jost

The airline industry is testing a virus killing robot that uses ultra-violet light to disinfect planes. Not to be outdone Spirit Airlines just taped a Glow-stick to a Roomba. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”