"Even
if we all pretended that maybe, just maybe in some crazy, cuckoo fantasyland
that Colbert made Huckabee, even if that were true, you have to remember this
-- by simply mentioning Stephen Colbert's name on mighty broadcast television,
I, Conan O'Brien, am breathing life into his career. So, if Colbert made
Huckabee, and Conan made Colbert, then Conan made Huckabee! I'd like to let
this all go right now. I would. I'm an adult, he's an adult. I want to let
bygones be bygones.
But no. You see, Colbert said some other things on his show
about me. Ugly, personal things that I cannot ignore [on screen: Colbert
saying, 'So back off of Mike Huckabee or I will kick your translucent white
ass. You got that, Irish?']. First of all, let's get things straight, okay? My
ass is not translucent, all right? It's chalky white with streaks of pink. So
there. Second of all, Irish? He's calling me Irish. You're attacking the Irish
now? You've sunk that low?
Let me tell you something, folks, you'll never see
me attacking someone's heritage, okay? You won't see me going after you because
your name sounds French, Colbert [on screen: O'Brien jumps on a bike with
French bread in the basket in front of a backdrop of Paris, while speaking in a
French accent]. Oh, oh. Look at me riding my bicycle. And my bread. Oh, I eat
the cheese. I make political pundits. I make the jokes about the candidates.
No. You will never see me sink to that level. I simply won't do it."
--Conan O'Brien
