If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before..

"Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?" –David Letterman



"Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before…" –David Letterman

The last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber

"Ted Cruz released a presidential campaign video in Spanish. Cruz explained, "It's important for me to reach out to the people I'm trying to deport." –Conan O'Brien



"People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber." –Conan O'Brien



Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America

"Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he's running for president. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, 'I'm gonna run anyway.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America." –Jimmy Fallon



If he got a concussion, how would you know?

"Dick Cheney said in a Playboy interview this week that Barack Obama is the worst president of his lifetime. Come on, you can't tell me Obama is worse than Martin Van Buren." –Seth Meyers



"Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped by police in Australia this week for riding a bike without a helmet. It's especially dangerous for Schwarzenegger because if he got a concussion, how would you know?" –Seth Meyers


I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses

"Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care." –David Letterman



"Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses." –David Letterman



Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?

"During an interview with Playboy — that's right, Playboy — Dick Cheney said President Obama is the worst president in his lifetime. Meanwhile, subscribers to Playboy said Cheney was the worst centerfold in their lifetime." –Conan O'Brien



"President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii's governor said, 'Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?'" –Conan O'Brien



But enough talk. When do I take my clothes off?

"Everyone's busy filling out their March Madness brackets. Even Jeb Bush filled one out. And you can tell he's running for president because his picks for the Final Four are Iowa, Iowa, Iowa, and Iowa." –Jimmy Fallon



"In an interview with Playboy magazine, Dick Cheney criticized President Obama and said he's quote, 'the worst president of my lifetime, without question.' Then Cheney said, 'But enough talk. When do I take my clothes off?'" –Jimmy Fallon