Voters just didn't connect with the Republican message of 'Stop, thief!'

"South Korea's first female president was sworn in. Meanwhile, North Korea said, 'We're just going to stick with men named Kim.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Demographic shifts are making it harder for the GOP to win nationally. Apparently in 2012, minority voters just didn't connect with the Republican message of 'Stop, thief!'" –Stephen Colbert



It will be the first time Jesus' death is blamed on Obamacare

"Fox News host Bill O'Reilly is writing a new book about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time Jesus' death is blamed on Obamacare." –Conan O'Brien  

"Today 15 Republican Senators demanded the withdrawal of Hagel's nomination and it's no wonder. Senate Republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in Hagel's past. For instance, he was once a Senate Republican." –Stephen Colbert 

"Michelle Obama is actually here tonight to talk about her fitness initiative 'Let’s Move.' Meanwhile, Chris Christie will be on next week to talk about his initiative 'Let's Sit."'" –Jimmy Fallon



I could really go for a double-cheetah melt

"Since the brutal presidential election, there's been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they eventually will find one." –Stephen Colbert



"It is now legal to carry a concealed weapon in all 50 states. So if you are in one of them, be careful." –Stephen Colbert

"There's nothing wrong with eating horse burgers. Fast food should be made of fast animals. Oh man, I could really go for a double-cheetah melt." -- Stephen Colbert 



America's original Willie Nelson

"Most stores are open on Presidents Day. What better way to celebrate our presidents than by offering a sale on tires? Yes, four score and 20 years ago, our forefathers got two-for-one on steel-belted radials." –Craig Ferguson 







"You can tell how important a president was based on his monument. Lincoln was important because his monument shows him sitting in a chair looking serious. And George Washington got an even better one — a monument shaped like a giant middle finger pointed at England." ––Craig Ferguson

"People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie Nelson." –Craig Ferguson 



Which side gets the Confederate flag?

"GOP civil war -- of course the first thing they'll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag." –Stephen Colbert 

"I believe in American exceptionalism. And this is an insult to American gays, who I may not approve of, but I believe they are the gayest in the world. Our gay people -- they are not just homosexual, they're homo-ceptional." –Stephen Colbert 



"It's been five years since the economic meltdown. And while even I used to be mad at Wall Street -- at this point, who can even remember who wired the global financial system to a roulette wheel, while jacked on enough cocaine to bring down a bison?" –Stephen Colbert



Getting rid of stuff that's bronze and useless

"Obama gave his State of the Union speech and went through a laundry list of things, most of them very centrist -- like he said he wanted universal preschool. He said he got the idea from trying to work with the Republicans in Congress the last few years." –Bill Maher



"Obama hosted a Google chat and somebody asked him why don't we get rid of the penny. And he said as long as we're getting rid of stuff that's bronze and useless, how about John Boehner?" –Bill Maher



"Senator Mitch McConnell came out for legalizing hemp. He said during these tough economic times, this legislation has the potential to create jobs, provide a boost to Kentucky's economy and our farmers, and it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious." –Bill Maher 

The smart money is on Tim Tebow

"Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?" –Jay Leno 



"Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they're busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow." –David Letterman



"Last night's Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It's a German dog. The affenpinscher's name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe's being treated like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse. Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump's toupee." –Craig Ferguson