Everyone loves baked salmon

"Today the director of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned. She's being replaced by the White House's new state-of-the-art security system – a scarecrow." –Seth Meyers



"Scientists in northern California and Oregon found that marijuana gardens are threatening the salmon population. I don't see the problem, really. Everyone loves baked salmon." –Seth Meyers



Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary..

"Autumn is a beautiful time of year. At the White House, squirrels are rounding up nuts on the lawn, which is more than the Secret Service is doing." –David Letterman



"Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned. She hopped the fence and thanked President Obama." –David Letterman



"A few weeks ago President Obama was riding in an elevator, and it turns out a guy on the elevator had a gun. This is pretty scary stuff. Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary." –David Letterman

President Obama invited tea party leaders over for lunch

"Today the Secret Service director submitted her resignation. Actually she jumped the White House fence, ran across the lawn, dove through a window, and handed it to the president." –Conan O'Brien



"The Secret Service maintains they can use lethal force to stop someone from entering the White House. After hearing this, President Obama invited tea party leaders over for lunch." –Conan O'Brien



No word yet on which NFL player it was

"In a new interview, Mitt Romney referred to Hillary Clinton as an 'enabler' of the president's foreign policy. Which would be a big deal if that wasn't the definition of being secretary of state." –Jimmy Fallon



"The Secret Service let an armed ex-convict ride on the same elevator as President Obama. No word yet on which NFL player it was." –Conan O'Brien



The door is always open, literally.

"Evil dictator Kim Jong Un has not been seen in three weeks. I hate it when a recluse disappears, don't you?" –David Letterman

"Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056." –David Letterman



"After all the recent security breaches at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, resigned today. She said she'll miss being in the White House, but knowing the Secret Service, she should be able to come back any time she wants. The door is always open, literally." –Jimmy Fallon



Sounds like someone is applying for American citizenship

"Security is so tight now that they've asked members of Congress to circle the White House – because that way nothing will get past." –David Letterman 



"Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a baby girl. And get this, she's already said her first word: 'Iowa.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has not appeared in public for weeks. There are rumors he's sick due to too much cheese, fried chicken, and beer. Sounds like someone is applying for American citizenship." –Conan O'Brien

 

We'll have the first call center on Mars

"Today Russia announced that it will join America's fight with the terror group ISIS. Then Putin said, 'But I did not say which side.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Congratulations to India. They were able to keep the mission's costs down by outsourcing all of the work to themselves. And who knows, if it keeps going, in a few years, maybe we'll have the first call center on Mars." –Jimmy Kimmel


"They've had security problems at the White House. Last weekend a couple of guys hopped the fence and ran in. One guy got all the way in and made himself a sandwich." –David Letterman