Don’t tell anyone, but I was born in Kenya (Too scary for Marilyn Manson)

A letter written by George Washington in 1786 is going on sale for $35,000. The letter is to a friend and says, “Don’t tell anyone, but I was born in Kenya.” –Jimmy Fallon

House Speaker Paul Ryan was at the airport and didn’t recognize a three-year congresswoman from Massachusetts. And even asked her, “So what do you do?” Ryan realized she was a congresswoman when she answered, “Nothing.” –Jimmy Fallon

Singer Marilyn Manson recently said he doesn’t plan on voting, because he doesn’t like Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. That story, again — the 2016 election: Too scary for Marilyn Manson. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

McDonald's unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit (taste like plumber)

"Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald's unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit." –Conan O'Brien

A new study finds that men with thick biceps are more likely to live longer. The study also found that I died 10 years ago. –Conan O’Brien

Nintendo has teamed with Kellogg's to make a Mario Brothers cereal. Kellogg's promises that the Super Mario cereal will “taste like plumber.” –Conan O’Brien

"This is a crazy story. For two decades, the secret launch code for America's nuclear missiles was 0000000000. Even more amazing, George W. Bush forgot it twice." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A woman's place is in the revolution (Huh, so we have had a gay president)

October 2022

Hurricane Ian hit Florida this week, and governor Ron DeSantis called it a 500 year flooding event. In fact, it’s such a historic tragedy that DeSantis won’t let them teach about it in public schools. —Michael Che

The Electoral Count Reform Act was approved by all members of a senate committee except for Ted Cruz. Coincidentally, everyone except for Ted Cruz is also who Jesus loves. —Michael Che

While performing in Washington, Pop Star Lizzo played a crystal flute on stage that once was owned by James Madison. Huh, so we have had a gay president. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Officials say they are now conducting an investigation to see what went wrong (I dunno. Ask Beyonce)

July 2013

"Jay-Z says that he and President Obama text each other regularly. In one text, Jay-Z was like, 'What's it like being the most powerful person in the world?' And Obama was like, 'I dunno. Ask Beyonce.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Eliot Spitzer got the 4,000 signatures he needs to qualify for the city comptroller race by hiring people on Craigslist to help him. It was a big challenge, but if there's one thing Spitzer knows how to do, it's hire people on Craigslist." –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. government had a $116.5 billion surplus in June. Officials say they are now conducting an investigation to see what went wrong." –Jay Leno 

"According to a new study in the Journal of American Medicine, marijuana can actually help make you thinner. Using marijuana can make you thinner unless you're taking it in brownie form." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Clear Plastic Bags/Ewoks/Workin' On It/No Word Yet On the Mental

Evil Democrat Empire? I got news for you, if we're going to do the Star Wars analogy, the Democrats are, at best, Ewoks. --Jon Stewart, on a Republican spoof video comparing Democrats to the evil Empire in Star Wars

"Good news from the White House. President Bush last week had his annual physical and he passed. He passed his annual physical. No word yet on the mental." --David Letterman

"This week senators passed a limited ethics bill. It's something congress knows a lot about. Limited ethics. Some of the new rules are pretty tough, like from now on, all bribe money has to be in a clear plastic bag." --Jay Leno

Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Our taxes pay for all these lies – put some effort into it! (WTF fun fact #3488)

“He’s absolutely right — this is insulting. This is insulting not just to Congress — this is insulting to the American people. Has everyone already forgotten what happens when we don’t ask for concrete evidence justifying a military attack against a Middle Eastern country whose name begins with ‘Ira’?” —Stephen Colbert

“Here’s the difference between 2003 and now — I weigh 30 more pounds. Here’s another one: Back then, George W. Bush respected us enough to put some effort into his lies, remember? [Imitating Bush] ‘Saddam Hussein has mobile weapons-labs that ride the rails made of aluminum tubes that can deliver 50,000 barrels of honey-mustard gas hidden on a turkey farm. Saddam will attack us with human-animal hybrids.’” —Stephen Colbert

“So before we give the president authority for more war in the Middle East, Colbert concluded, Americans must “demand better lies. Our taxes pay for all these lies – put some effort into it!” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh, so you DO know how to repay loans (42 percent approval rating-Fun Facts)

from April 2011

"President Obama revealed that up until a few years ago, he was still paying off his student loans. In response, China was like, 'Oh, so you DO know how to repay loans.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that families with two daughters are the happiest. Unless, of course, their dad currently has a 42 percent approval rating." –Jimmy Fallon 

"It turns out that Bristol Palin was paid 260,000 dollars in 2009 for her work with abstinence awareness. You know what they say: Those who can't do, teach." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It’s all detailed in the epic poem The Idiod (Workin' on it)

“In the end, Trump may be defeated by his greatest 
weakness: his Achilles’ mouth. It’s all detailed in the 
epic poem ‘The Idiod.’” --Stephen Colbert

“The tweets started coming so fast, he even misspelled one
of his favorite words. [As Trump] ‘A Total Scam by the Do 
Nothing Democrats. For the good of the Country, this Wirch 
Hunt should end now!’ He’s right. This is a total wirch hunt. 
And you are Vladimir Putin’s birch, too, while we’re at it.” 
--Jimmy Kimmel

“And Trump may be losing his mind, because then he 
followed up by tweeting, ‘Ermagherd, it’s a fake news 
a wirch hunt. The ferds should fercus on Hillary’s er-mails. 
Lerck her erp!” --Jimmy Fallon

“This is like the millionth time Trump has tweeted about a
witch hunt. You would think at this point he just has to type
a ‘w’ and his computer will just auto-fill-in the rest.”
--James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Look at me for instance. I’m horrible, and I’m only getting worse (he’d be living in a gazebo!)

President Trump is somehow convinced that Democrats are pro-wall. Donald Trump, “President Obama recently built a wall around his compound. There’s a reason for it. And I don’t blame him.” I don’t blame him either. And I don’t have to because there is no such wall. Colbert as Trump, “Okay, there may not be walls around Obama’s house, but his house does have walls. If Obama were not such a hypocrite, he’d be living in a gazebo!” --Stephen Colbert

President Trump reached back into history to prove why walls work, tweeting “Throughout the ages some things never get better and never change.” Colbert as Trump, “Look at me for instance. I’m horrible, and I’m only getting worse.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”