Incidentally, that’s also part of the Republican healthcare plan (The Mittuation)

"A source close to Mitt Romney revealed that he gets a spray tan before major campaign events. I guess that explains his new Secret Service code name: 'The Mittuation.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin visited Israel. She says she likes all religions, 'whether they celebrate Christmas or Jewish.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Meanwhile, Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch started his confirmation hearings this week, and he said that he has his law students think about their legacies by having them write an obituary about themselves. Yeah. Incidentally, that’s also part of the Republican healthcare plan. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

DUMBEST FIGHT EVER: Biden's WEAK Drug Plan Triggers TOTAL FREAKOUT

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Yeah, I’ve already got one of those. It’s called God (Horneytown)

Anthony Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, has decided to finally separate from him after his latest sexting scandal. So ladies: He’s single! –Jimmy Fallon

Mark Zuckerberg actually gave the Pope a drone. The Pope was like, “You mean it hovers above us and sees everything? Yeah, I’ve already got one of those. It’s called God.” –Jimmy Fallon

In an interview with CNN last night, Ted Cruz was asked about being Donald Trump's vice president and said, quote, "I have zero interest whatsoever." Which is also what Cruz's friends say when he invites them to dinner. “You could’ve just said no!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

NBA2K: Indiana Pacers vs Boston Celtics (Buzzer Beater)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Joe Rogan: UFO Investigator's on the David Grusch Hearings

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

Jimmy Dore: Bernie Goes FULL BLOWN Trump Derangement Syndrome!

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

McConnell BRAIN FREEZES AGAIN In Live Press Conference | Breaking Points

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

I've been torturing people longer than Dick Cheney (You need coolant, baby, I'm not foolin')

"Ladies and gentlemen, I didn't even realize this until this morning, Sunday will be the 16th anniversary of Paul and myself doing the show here at CBS. Sixteen. And that is assuming I make it past tomorrow's death panel interview." --David Letterman

"The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called the Obamarita. Not to be confused with a cocktail inspired by John McCain, the Cosmopoligrip. And then there was one a couple of years ago inspired by George W. Bush, the Mojidiot." --David Letterman

"Hey, wait a minute, you know on Sunday, it'll be 16 years that Paul and I and everybody else have been here at CBS on the 'Late Show.' Sixteen years, ladies and gentlemen. I've been torturing people longer than Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

McConnell FREEZES Inexplicably AGAIN; Jean-Pierre SQUIRMS When Pressed On Biden's Age

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Leon Russell - Roll Over Bethoveen (Shindig, Nov 18, 1964)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Madden: Indianapolis Colts vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Your comrades know that's just as valid (another way the virus can spread)

“President Trump claimed that he was doing the best he could with the cards he was dealt. Yes, some idiot disbanded Obama’s pandemic response team. We should really look into whoever was after President Obama, ’cause that guy screwed the pooch. Which, by the way, is another way the virus can spread.” —Stephen Colbert

The latest polls show that Hillary Clinton is tied with Donald Trump. Ever since the damning FBI report about Hillary Clinton's private email servers came out, her poll numbers have not looked good. Though the truth is she may have much better numbers hidden on her private server. We don't know. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Luciano Pavarotti sings "Nessun dorma" from Turandot

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Rachel Maddow MELTS DOWN At Possibility Of Trump Winning In 2024: Rising

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

Tucker Carlson Allegedly IN TALKS To Interview Vladimir Putin: Report

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Rolling Stones (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction - Isolated Brian Jones Guitar

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

Jerry Lee Lewis -- What A Heck of a Mess

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Old Time Rock and Roll - Jerry Lee Lewis 1979 ( unreleased)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Cha Cha Cohen - Peel Session 1996

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

Trump respects people who don’t suck up to him, starting ...yesterday (That’s money that could be used to launch giant penises into space)

Speaking of Stormy Daniels, it's time for tonight's edition of "Stormy Watch: Karen McDougal Edition!" McDougal is the former Playboy Playmate who allegedly had a year-long affair with Donald Trump, beginning just three months after the birth of his and Melania's son, roughly the same time as he slept with Stormy Daniels. That's dangerous! You don’t want to risk that! Can you imagine he's having sex and calls out the wrong mistress' name? I'm joking, of course. Just kidding, he screams out his own name. "Oh, Truuuump!" --Stephen Colbert

Things are completely different since the president appointed a new chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly. Rumor is Kelly got the job after he stood up to Trump, when raised voices could be heard through the thick door to the Oval Office. It was seen as an early indication that Kelly was not afraid to stand up to his commander in chief. No surprise. Trump respects people who don’t suck up to him, starting ...yesterday. –Stephen Colbert

“Of course, the pandemic has exacerbated our pre-existing condition of extremely rich people. A Bloomberg report on super-yacht charters, reports yacht charters are up over 340%. This is disgusting. At a time of dire need, the ultra-rich shouldn’t be blowing their money on boats. That’s money that could be used to launch giant penises into space.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Well, there's a thank-you note you don't hang on your refrigerator (I LIKE where this is going)

If you don't think Donald Trump's statements are racist, you should at least know that racists are happy he made them. Immediately following Trump's speech, former KKK leader David Duke thanked Trump for his "honesty and courage." Well, there's a thank-you note you don't hang on your refrigerator. --James Corden

Up to 11 states are poised to legalize weed, which would bring the total to 14 states. Marijuana activists are thrilled. They're saying, "Wow, 14 states. That's more than half of the states." –James Corden

Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci — you know, the Mooch — posted a tweet comparing what happened during his firing from the White House to what happened to Monica Lewinsky during the Bill Clinton sex scandal. Now think about this: Scaramucci is comparing himself to someone who helped get a president impeached. I LIKE where this is going. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up (The loser keeps Hasselhoff)

"The CEO of BP Tony Hayward didn't take any questions after his White House meeting today. Probably a good thing. He's great at destroying ecosystems, but not so great at talking. Hayward has said: 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up." –Craig Ferguson

Huge white flags were placed on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. And late this afternoon, word came from the FBI that the New York Mets have surrendered.—Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What a coincidence, it's also how the Republicans pick a vice presidential candidate (It's just like Bush's approval rating)

"Everybody's excited about March Madness, the big NCAA tournament? Here's how it works: It starts at 65, then 64, then 32, then 16. It's just like Bush's approval rating." –David Letterman

"How many of you folks saw that last night, the Vice President, Republican Sarah Palin? Whoa, man, I like that Sarah Palin looks like the weekend anchor on Channel 9. She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing. She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial." --David Letterman

"But the Miss Universe pageant is fascinating. It's judged on poise -- you have to have poise -- judged on beauty, and also how you walk in high heels. What a coincidence, it's also how the Republicans pick a vice presidential candidate. The same criteria." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the only president I know that takes Spring Break (and more proof that God is a woman)

"President Bush is in Cancun, the only president I know that takes Spring Break." –David Letterman

"Tampa could be hit by Hurricane Isaac, and they might have to cancel or postpone the Republican National Convention. A hurricane headed directly for the Republicans – and more proof that God is a woman." –David Letterman

 

"Dick Cheney had another scare. He was taken to the hospital with shortness of breath. He was okay, he was just winded from torturing a detainee." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm guessing it was from exhaustion (You worked hard and then closed the door behind you)

In other Hillary Clinton news, her campaign manager, Robby Mook, said in an interview on CNN that they are having a hard time finding someone as "hateful" and "divisive" as Donald Trump to go up against Hillary in her practice debates. It seems like it'd be easy to prep for a Trump debate — just get a parrot and train it to say three things: "email," "wall," and "huge." –James Corden

A man in New Jersey passed away on Tuesday and it became clear that he was cheating on his wife when two obituaries, one by his spouse and the other by his girlfriend, appeared in the local paper, one above the other. I don't know what he died from, but I'm guessing it was from exhaustion. –James Corden

Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison made his sons return two school sports trophies that they received just for participating. He said, "These trophies will be given back until they earn a real trophy." Why do I feel like James Harrison would be the first dad to volunteer his kids for "The Hunger Games"? –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I’ve been making the political jokey make-em-ups for over 20 years now (Wait until they meet Jesus!!!)

“I’ve been making the political jokey make-em-ups for over 20 years now, and I have never seen anything so baldly cynical and pointlessly malicious as this. And if there are children in the room, tell them to age quickly and please vote. The Pact Act, which would expand healthcare coverage to military veterans exposed to toxic chemicals or burn pits during their service was up for a vote.

That’s something we can agree on – if we’re going to go to war, we have to take care of the warriors. Both the House and the Senate initially passed the bill, but due to an administrative issue, the Senate had to revote. Twenty-five Republican senators flipped their votes, blocking the Pact Act’s passage. Why would Republicans screw over veterans on a bill that they previously voted for?

Well, one theory is that they had their boxers in a bunch after Joe Manchin and Chuck Schumer secretly negotiated a big climate deal. Jon Tester, Democratic senator from Montana, attributed the vote to ‘political payback’ from people who had ‘lost their minds’. Well, that would be some misdirected anger, GOP. That’s like a quarterback saying, ‘OK, huddle up, we’re down 20, I just threw an interception and the other team scored. Here’s the play: I’m going to go sucker-punch that old guy at the hot dog stand.’

Can you believe Ted Cruz, who fist-bumped fellow GOP senator Steve Daines after blocking the bill for veterans’ healthcare he had previously voted for. I imagine there’s some veterans out there who would also like to bump Ted Cruz with their fists.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why are you the only one who gets to live in a time when you weren’t president? (Now, I’ve got to make an appointment to have the tattoo lasered off)

For Donald Trump it’s been a rough couple of ... his entire presidency. The chaos coming out of the White House is just coming at you so fast. It’s hard to keep track of it. Two weeks ago, I had never heard of Anthony Scaramucci. Now, I’ve got to make an appointment to have the tattoo lasered off. –Stephen Colbert

“Oh, my god! How lazy are you, Mr. President? You’re just repeating what you said about Hillary. You’re stuck in 2016, and that is not fair. Why are you the only one who gets to live in a time when you weren’t president?” —Stephen Colbert

“Experts say the rebound infections are caused by ‘insufficient drug exposure’ – as in, not enough of the drug gets into infected cells to stop all viral replication. So the Covid pops right back up, which is why the White House is trying to give Paxlovid to Biden’s poll numbers.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Wow, that is embarrassing — for Kamala Harris (Finally, a candidate who speaks to the heartland)

“Maybe one reason why Donald Trump is struggling to go after Kamala Harris is that his heart’s not in it because — and this is true — when she was running for attorney general in California, Trump donated to Kamala Harris’s campaigns twice. Wow, that is embarrassing — for Kamala Harris.” —Stephen Colbert

“In addition to potentially attracting women and minority voters, Kamala Harris clicks with some big-money donors, too. Apparently, Wall Street is happy, Silicon Valley is happy, and Hollywood is fired up. Finally, a candidate who speaks to the heartland.” —Stephen Colbert

“And Donald’s not the only Trump who’s supported Kamala Harris in the past, because Ivanka Trump also donated $2,000 to Harris in 2014, which is surprising. Usually, when Ivanka gives women money, it’s 3 cents a handbag.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Velvet Underground - Foggy Notion

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”