If it's not a drug then I've been wasting a lot of time

"In a new GQ interview that just came out, California Governor  Arnold Schwarzenegger said, 'Marijuana is not a drug.' When he heard this, Snoop Dogg said, 'If it's not a drug then I've been wasting a lot of time.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I still have a lot to learn from seasoned campaigners like John McCain. Last week, McCain made this masterful campaign promise to the good people at Smith and Wesson in New Hampshire: 'I will follow Osama bin Laden to the gates of hell and I will shoot him with your products.' Folks, you just heard a campaign legend. John McCain pulled off a triple-cross-promotional-pander 720. 

He has simultaneously hyped himself, the war on terror and the product made by the people he was talking to. The only time that move's ever even been attempted before was in 1984 when Ronald Reagan vowed to brain Brezhnev with a Rubik's Cube. It's a bold new marketing trend called 'Branded Killings.' I mean, who wouldn't want their product associated with offing bin Laden? 

I know that Little Debbie would love to have that kind of product placement [on screen: Little Debbie stabbing bin Laden]. I respect John McCain, but I will not be outdone. Isotoner gloves, I will strangle bin Laden stylishly using your product. HeadOn, I will apply your product directly through his forehead. And Cinnabon, I will give him a Cinnabon. Your move, McCain!" --Stephen Colbert