if you're a guy and you get pregnant, it definitely DIDN’T work

Vladimir Putin celebrated his 63rd birthday today. He had a nice party, but it got awkward when two of his friends got him the same country. –Jimmy Fallon

Scientists are getting close to creating the first-ever male birth control pill. They’re not sure how the pill is gonna work, but if you're a guy and you get pregnant, it definitely DIDN’T work. –Jimmy Fallon

Yes it does — revenge.

Hillary Clinton's 68th birthday is coming up this month, and to celebrate, Hillary is planning to hold a big fundraiser here in New York City. You gotta give it to Hillary — she's the only grandmother who hears about a birthday and expects the checks to come to HER. –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Hillary's staff is starting to worry that her campaign still doesn’t have an official theme. Then Hillary said, “Yes it does — revenge.” –Jimmy Fallon

he’s only tied with low-fat milk

Bud Light has created a new device that alerts you when the beer supply in your fridge is running low. The device is known as your roommate Chad. –Conan O’Brien

General Mills is recalling a number of Cheerios products because some boxes that were labeled gluten-free were not gluten-free. As a result, 1.8 million boxes of Cheerios and Honey Nut Cheerios are being removed from the shelves at stores. This sounds to me like the work of that evil dictator, Vladimir Gluten. –Jimmy Kimmel

Martin O’Malley, ex-governor of Maryland, is running for president. He’s at 2 percent in the polls. He’s been in the race eight months, and he’s only tied with low-fat milk. –Jimmy Fallon

definitely get a second opinion

A lot of people think that when the Republican field clears it will come down to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump. Kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair. –Jimmy Fallon

Dr. Ben Carson hosted a Facebook Q&A last night, and said the loss of gun rights is more devastating than seeing people die from gun violence. So if Ben Carson is your doctor, definitely get a second opinion. –Seth Meyers

Dr. Ben Carson spoke with Kanye West recently and said that he is “very impressed” with Kanye’s knowledge of business. And Kanye said that he is very impressed with Kanye’s knowledge of business. –Seth Meyers

“Still,” “better,” “than” and “Jeb.”

"The Martian" is expected to do particularly well when it launches in China. … This movie is a natural match for China. Because not only is the planet Mars red, I believe it has more oxygen than Beijing. –Stephen Colbert

Everybody’s still talking about Donald Trump. A recent poll had voters describe Trump in one word, and a lot of them used the words “idiot,” “buffoon,” “clown,” and “jerk.” And those are the people voting for Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

Of course, they also used other words, like “Still,” “better,” “than” and “Jeb.” –Jimmy Fallon

at the time, she was biting a cinder block in half

Hillary Clinton said this weekend that the record turnout for Bernie Sanders’ rallies is great for the Democratic Party. And it wasn't easy for her to say that, because at the time, she was biting a cinder block in half. –Seth Meyers

Republican presidential hopeful Chris Christie said this weekend that he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. And just to be safe, Mayor de Blasio issued a tsunami warning for Lower Manhattan. –Seth Meyers

Researchers have begun collecting data to develop a pill that will allow users to experience the benefits of exercise without having to work out. Said Americans, "So I have to get up, get a glass of water, unscrew the pill cap? No, thank you. Not interested." –Seth Meyers

Theriously?

A new report found that Donald Trump is no longer the most liked candidate on Facebook, and Ben Carson now has the most likes with over 4 million. Yeah, you can tell Carson was pretty excited because when he found out he actually opened BOTH eyes. –Jimmy Fallon 

The third movie in the “Thor” series is going to be called “Thor: Ragnarok.” Mainly because calling it “Thor Three” would give everyone a speech impediment. "Theriously?" –Jimmy Fallon