I say good for the blueberry. It deserves it.

I'm trying to figure out what to make for the Fourth of July. Hamburgers and hot dogs get a lot of attention, but the Fourth is really the blueberry's day to shine. When you need a blue food to round out your red, white, and blue items, there's nowhere else to turn but the blueberry. Every year, the blueberry has it right where it wants us. I say good for the blueberry. It deserves it.—Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday Toronto Mayor Rob Ford attended his first city council meeting since he got back from rehab. He said, “It's great to be back, but man, these things are boring when you're sober.”—Jimmy Fallon

Target Field in Minnesota will have self-serve beer machines at the All-Star Game next week. Big deal. My dad had a self-serving beer machine 30 years ago. It was called "Jimmy."—Jimmy Fallon

They were too busy swimming in a pool of money

"Soccer is one of those things that the rest of the world cares more about than we do – you know, like healthcare, education, gun control." –David Letterman



"Last night Hillary Clinton said she won't support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn't respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money." –Jimmy Fallon



"Over the weekend Afghanistan held its presidential election run-off. The way it works is everyone runs off, and whoever's slowest has to be president of Afghanistan." –Seth Meyers

The loser keeps Hasselhoff

"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson



"Pope Francis has pledged to remain neutral during the World Cup. When asked why, the Pope said, 'I picked the Miami Heat and look how that turned out.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Now, the way I hear it the Iraqi army had some trouble with the insurgents and they just dropped their guns, took off their uniforms, and went home — just like the Miami Heat." –David Letterman



Chris Christie sent back his chimichanga

"A Tea Party candidate won Virginia's Republican primary, mostly on his anti-immigration stance. His first plan is to change the state's slogan from 'Virginia is for lovers' to 'Virginia is for lovers who habla ingles.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Since House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost to an anti-immigration candidate, many Republicans are feeling pressure to take a harder stance on immigration. In fact, the Republicans are so paranoid, today Chris Christie sent back his chimichanga." –Conan O'Brien



"According to a new study, the number of car crashes linked to marijuana has risen. Fortunately, when the cars crashed they were all going eight miles per hour." –Conan O'Brien



Our current golden age of cooperation and productiveness is over

"Oh no! Congress's current golden age of cooperation and productiveness is over." –Jon Stewart on pundit predictions that the defeat of House Majority Leader Eric Cantor will make it impossible for Republicans to cooperate with Democrats

"For the second day in a row, President Obama made an unscheduled trip out of the White House, this time for a burger at a nearby restaurant. Obama wants to be OUT of the White House more than Hillary wants to be IN it. Well, almost." –Jimmy Fallon

"A Tea Party candidate won Virginia's Republican primary, mostly on his anti-immigration stance. His first plan is to change the state's slogan from 'Virginia is for lovers' to 'Virginia is for lovers who habla ingles.'" –Conan O'Brien

Let me repeat myself..

"Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey." –Jimmy Fallon

"House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was defeated in the primary election. He spent $5 million on his primary campaign. Ladies and gentlemen, what is wrong with this country when you can no longer buy an election?" –David Letterman



"While trying to get re-elected, Eric Cantor spent $168,000 on steakhouses. Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie said, 'That's all?'" –David Letterman



When you spend five years in captivity.....

"Sarah Palin, she was all over this story, attacking this Bowe Bergdahl guy because, you know, she found out through reports, we don't really know this, that he has trouble now speaking English. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black." –Bill Maher

"I mean, come on, cut this guy some slack. When you spend five years in captivity it can make a man do some crazy things, like when McCain picked you!" –Bill Maher



"Vladimir Putin's personal envoy said that allowing Finland to join NATO could lead to World War III. Yes, if there's one country that's definitely going to start World War III, it's Finland." –Seth Meyers