He said if it works there, he'll try it here

"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman



"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." —David Letterman



"President Bush announced his plan for Iraq. He called for the rebuilding of a wrecked economy, getting international cooperation and bringing in new leadership. You know, the same thing Kerry is calling for here." —Jay Leno

He's like an old pair of slippers (Well, it’s unanimous)

"In his new book, George W. Bush says he’s happy to be out of Washington. Well, it’s unanimous." –David Letterman

"President Bush told Matt Lauer the most embarrassing thing he ever did drunk was ask a friend of his parents what sex was like after 50. That's nothing. John McCain asked Sarah Palin to be his running mate when he was sober." –Jay Leno 

"I read Bush's memoir, and I have to say, the book is way better than the Presidency." –Jimmy Fallon

"He's like an old pair of slippers, this guy. Like a gift you didn't particularly want. Wasn't really a good fit. Started a war between your pants and your shirt. But you had them for eight years, and that's something. In hindsight, they did keep your feet slightly warmer than -- ah, f**k it, I never liked those slippers." –Jon Stewart, on George W. Bush

He was on Rachel Ray this morning waterboarding a veal cutlet

"President Bush is everywhere. He's been on the Larry King Show, he's been on the Today Show. He was on Rachel Ray this morning waterboarding a veal cutlet." –David Letterman

"George W. Bush was interviewed by Matt Lauer who asked him if he would still invade Iraq if he knew then what he knows now. It's an unfair question. For one thing I don’t know if Bush does know what he knows now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"'Decision Points' by George W. Bush has dropped, and it's like 'War & Peace' without the peace. Here's the very first page: 'In the last year of my presidency I began to seriously consider writing my memoirs.' Right away he’s got you hooked. Did he write them or didn’t he? You won't know until you read the book. Maybe the rest of the pages are blank. If there’s one thing we've learned it’s that we can't believe something is there just because Bush says it is." –Stephen Colbert 

That was him thinking all the time. Really?

"George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time. Really?" –David Letterman

"But the guy, the president, he is still quick. Still very athletic. You know, he's a former cheerleader. I believe he is our only president who was a cheerleader. He proved today at a book signing that he can still duck a shoe." –David Letterman

"In the book Bush says that he lost respect for John McCain when he selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. This from a guy whose running mate shot a buddy in the face." –David Letterman

"George W. Bush has just released his new memoir 'Decision Points.' It's 512 pages long. But to be fair, half those pages are just games and puzzles. In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of." –Craig Ferguson 

With the other 364 days we try to kill it

"Happy Earth Day. Earth Day was founded in 1970. It's the one day of the year we tell the Earth we love it. With the other 364 days we try to kill it." –Jimmy Kimmel 



Jon Stewart skewering Sean Hannity: "I am obsessed with your program in the same way that I'm obsessed with antibiotic-resistant superbugs or the Pacific garbage patch or the KFC Double Down. Because I just can't believe that in this day and age, with all that we know, this sh*t is out there -- that humanity, that our society, is still weighed down by these burdens of a seemingly more medieval time. Like your show. To see it night after night, serving up the same sh*t, my god, you're the Arby's of news."



Obama bet him that Justin Bieber couldn’t get any douchier

"Today President Obama went shopping at The Gap. There hasn't been so much security at The Gap since the time Lindsey Lohan showed up." –David Letterman

"President Obama recently sent the Prime Minister of Canada two cases of White House-brewed beer after losing a bet. Obama bet him that Justin Bieber couldn’t get any douchier." –Conan O'Brien

Who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?

"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" –David Letterman

"George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time. Really?" –David Letterman

"But the guy, the president, he is still quick. Still very athletic. You know, he's a former cheerleader. I believe he is our only president who was a cheerleader. He proved today at a book signing that he can still duck a shoe." –David Letterman