Why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?

"Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water." –Conan O'Brien 



"It's being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now?" –Jimmy Kimmel



"No one turns lemons into lemonphetamines like Charlie Sheen." –Jimmy Kimmel



"If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?" –Seth Meyers

The hole that ripped through the fuselagewas not terrorism-related

"Fox News' Geraldo Rivera was caught in the middle of a firefight between pro- and anti-government forces in Libya. He was lucky to get out alive because both sides were trying to shoot him." –Jay Leno



"Southwest Airlines said that the hole that ripped through the fuselage of one of their airplanes was not terrorism-related. Thank goodness! It was just maintenance neglect." –Jay Leno



"Former first lady Laura Bush said in an interview that she and George W. Bush do everything together. Then she said she had to go because 'SpongeBob' was on." –Conan O'Brien 



When George Washington ran against a young Senator named John McCain

"I've made a lot of jokes about Donald Trump running for president, but in all honesty, I'll be making a lot more." –David Letterman



"Experts say this Presidential campaign will be the most expensive in history. A far cry from the very first re-election campaign back in 1792. When George Washington ran against a young Senator named John McCain." –Craig Ferguson



"President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate." –Jay Leno



Just what Fox News needs, another blonde airhead

"The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers." –Bill Maher



"Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs – another blonde airhead." –Bill Maher



"They finally maybe struck a deal to avert a government shutdown. Of course, all on the Republican terms. You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money." –Bill Maher



So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee

"Republican Congressman Tom Marino, who is on the Foreign Affairs Committee, said: 'If we go into Libya, where does it stop? Do we go into Africa next?' So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee." –Jay Leno



"If Moammar Gadhafi goes into exile, there are only three places that would tolerate a raving madman like that: Venezuela, Saudi Arabia, and Fox News." –Jay Leno 

"Sarah Palin said on Fox News that we are in a 'squirmish' with Libya. When she was corrected, she said, 'Listen, I shouldn't be expected to get everything 100 percent Accura.'" –Conan O'Brien 



"On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka." –Conan O'Brien

If they hook up with the communist capitalists we're screwed

"President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, 'Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.'" –Conan O'Brien 



"Newt Gingrich said he's afraid America will become an atheist country dominated by radical Islamists. Right. Our big problem could be religious atheists, almost as bad as pacifist warmongers. If they hook up with the communist capitalists we're screwed." –Jay Leno



Squirmish is how I feel every time I hear Sarah Palin talk

"Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations." –Craig Ferguson



"Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as 'blue' and his hair as 'ridiculous.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Sarah Palin continues to make significant contributions to the English language. She asked, 'Is Libya a war, an intervention, a squrmish, what is it?' Squirmish is how I feel every time I hear Sarah Palin talk." –Jimmy Kimmel