If You’re Here, You’re Probably Hungover (Trojan condoms study)

7-Eleven announced it’s now offering “breakfast pizza.” It’s all in keeping with 7-Eleven’s motto: “If You’re Here, You’re Probably Hungover.” –Conan O’Brien

According to a new study, the average cost of raising a child in America is now over $200,000. The study was funded by Trojan condoms. –Conan O’Brien

CNN reported that last Friday intelligence chiefs presented Trump with claims of Russian efforts compromise him. I gotta say, that is an awkward first meeting with your new boss. “Hey, so, looking forward to working together, watercooler’s down the hall, we heard you’re a puppet of a hostile foreign government, Barbara validates parking any time you need it, any questions?” –Stephen Colbert