The previous record for wetness (Only 2,000 times said my p*nis)

For Christmas, Michael Che and Colin Jost make each other read jokes that they have never seen before...

A church in Massachusetts created a nativity scene that comments on the immigration debate by placing the baby Jesus in a cage….where he belongs. --Colin Jost, SNL

A new study shows that the average American touches their mobile device more than 2,000 times a day. Only 2,000 times said my penis. --Michael Che, SNL

Nigeria’s president Muhammadu Buhari denied for months old rumors that he had died and  been replaced by a look-a-like from Sudan. See, even Africans can’t tell black people apart. --Colin Jost, SNL

A new report shows Hurricane Florence was the wettest hurricane in history. The previous record for wetness was set on the opening night of Magic Mike. --Michael Che, SNL

Last week was National Rosa Parks Day. Or as we call it in my house, “Uppity Bus Passenger Day.” --Colin Jost, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Dude, you don't get to just keep things that wash up on shore (that's probably how you got Steve Bannon)

President Trump visited North Carolina today to see damage caused by Hurricane Florence — and I'm sure if another hurricane hits Puerto Rico, he'll also go to North Carolina. --Seth Meyers

While touring hurricane damage in North Carolina today, President Trump reportedly congratulated a resident on having a stranger's boat wash up in his yard, saying, "At least you got a nice boat out of the deal." Dude, you don't get to just keep things that wash up on shore. Even though I'm assuming that's probably how you got Steve Bannon. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

One of the wettest we've ever seen from the standpoint of water (Kentucky remains the 5th poorest state)

Hurricane Florence has stopped dumping rain but rivers are rising, power's out in a lot of places, floods are threatening residents in the Carolinas. The president, though, is on top of the situation. Fear not, he went to Costco. He bought a 24-pack of those big paper towels and he flew straight to the scene. --Jimmy Kimmel

Before he did that, he tweeted this message of thanks to all those working to lessen the impact of this monster of a storm. "I just want to thank all of the incredible men and women who have done such a great job in helping with Florence. This is a tough hurricane. One of the wettest we've ever seen from the standpoint of water." That's right — even his water is "the wettest." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

It's not that island where they're hiding King Kong (Miss Fiscal Third Quarter)

Playboy just announced that starting in 2019, they'll publish only four issues a year. By 2020, they're just going to send you a shovel and say, "Go dig up the issues your uncle buried in the woods." --Stephen Colbert

What happened to the months? Four a year? It's just not going to be the same to crack open a centerfold and see "Miss Fiscal Third Quarter." --Stephen Colbert

President Trump has been hard at work both preparing for the hurricane and bragging about how good he is at hurricanes. [Trump clip] "We got A-pluses for our recent hurricane work in Texas and Florida and did an unappreciated great job in Puerto Rico, even though an inaccessible island." Just hold up right there. I'd like to point out that we knew it was an island before the storm hit. It wasn't a surprise. And what do you mean by "inaccessible?" People go there for spring break. It's not that island where they're hiding King Kong. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

tremendously bouncy and tremendously swirly (cows go moo, and cars go beep)

Yesterday, after being briefed on Hurricane Florence, President Trump had this to report: [Trump clip] "They haven't seen anything like what is coming at us in 25, 30 years. Maybe ever. It's tremendously big and tremendously wet." Thank you, President Children's Book, for reminding us that rain is wet, cows go moo, and cars go beep. Later Trump went on to describe earthquakes as "tremendously bouncy" and tornadoes as "tremendously swirly." --James Corden

Nobody uses the word "tremendous" as much as Trump does. He's like that kid who learns one big word and always finds a way to use it in sentences, even if it's wrong. "If I don't get home for dinner, my mother's going to be so tremendous." --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It was so offensive that Hurricane Florence turned north (Hey, Dad)

President Trump today repeated his claim that hurricane relief in Puerto Rico was a success, tweeting that "they did an unappreciated great job in Puerto Rico. Even though an inaccessible island… with very poor electricity and a totally incompetent mayor of San Juan." It was so offensive that Hurricane Florence turned north. --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump Jr. said in an interview yesterday that he is not worried about going to jail as a result of Special Counsel Mueller's investigation. Yeah, jail's nothing to worry about. On your first day there, just walk up to the biggest guy in the yard and say, "Hey, Dad." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Are you saying the Trix Rabbit never actually flew to Mars? (unsung success)

Today President Trump gave a briefing about the government's plan for Hurricane Florence. Sensing the seriousness of the occasion, Trump respectfully didn't make the whole thing about himself — for almost a minute. Then he reminded everybody what a great job he did with the last hurricane: [Trump clip] "I think that Puerto Rico was an incredible, unsung success." He's right. It was definitely unsung. Maybe because no one could plug in their mics because it took 11 months to restore power. --Stephen Colbert

NASA's administrator has directed the space agency to look at boosting its brand by selling naming rights to rockets and spacecraft. Look, I love space travel. I get that NASA needs cash, but I think corporate sponsorship might have changed the moon landing. [Video of moon landing with voiceover] "That's one small step for man, one comfortable leap thanks to Dr. Scholl's Insoles. Houston, I'm gellin'." --Stephen Colbert

It's not just rockets. This new proposal would allow astronauts to appear in commercials and on cereal boxes. Wait, are you telling me that up till now astronauts weren't allowed to appear in commercials or on cereal boxes before? Are you saying the Trix Rabbit never actually flew to Mars? --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Don't worry, I'm building an ark. And Mexico is going to pay for it (Eating your Prime Minister)

Everyone is preparing for Hurricane Florence as it heads toward the East Coast. Today in the Oval Office, Trump spoke about the storm. He really knows what he's talking about: [Trump clip] "They haven't seen anything like what's coming at us in 25, 30 years. Maybe ever. It's tremendously big and tremendously wet." [Imitating Trump] "Don't worry, I'm building an ark. And Mexico is going to pay for it." --Jimmy Fallon

Republican officials are worried that Ted Cruz will lose his re-election campaign because he's not likable enough — especially compared to his opponent, Beto O'Rourke. And they might be right about his likability. Look at the way both candidates answer some basic questions. When asked, "What do you like to do in your spare time?" O'Rourke said, "Play guitar." Ted Cruz said, "Organize my documents." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”