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Showing posts with label Benjamin Franklin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Benjamin Franklin. Show all posts

Thursday, February 8, 2024

the only place where a 51 is a passing grade (the wolves will eat you)


Today, the Senate officially confirmed Betsy DeVos as education secretary, with a vote of 51 to 50. Or as Trump calls that, “a landslide.” It was actually a 50-50 tie vote that was broken by the vice president. Which makes the vote for education secretary the only place where a 51 is a passing grade. –Jimmy Fallon


The Patriots celebrated their big Super Bowl win up in Boston. But I read that Tom Brady is still trying to track down his jersey that went missing after the game. Then O.J. said, “Whatever you do, just don’t try to STEAL it back.” –Jimmy Fallon


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Wednesday, February 7, 2024

It’s getting so bad that... (Grumpy Old Men)


President Biden made a drastic change in his immigration policy saying he would be willing to shut down the border if given the power by congress. It’s the kind of unexpected shift in direction Biden usually only makes in the middle of a sentence. —Michael Che

The Biden campaign is trying to appeal to black voters as polls show their support for Biden has declined. It’s getting so bad that Biden only has support from Obama’s white side. —Michael Che

Nikki Haley has launched a series of campaign ads targeting Trump and Biden called Grumpy Old Men. Okay, but at least they’re men. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Wednesday, April 26, 2023

God loves us and wants us to be happy (Don't play with Super Glue)


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

–Benjamin Franklin


"Whenever I see George W. Bush giving a speech, I always feel

that somewhere there is a comedy club with an empty stage."

--Jimmy Dore


“I want to make sure Ukraine has enough tanks before I get my colonoscopy.” –Kurt Metzger 1/26/2023


"What the government wants is control. What the corporate world wants is money. What both of them want is power. What neither of them care about is you." --Russell Brand


"I drink too much. I gave the doctor a urine sample and there was an olive in it."--Rodney Dangerfield


Why do dogs race to the door when you when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them. --Norm Macdonald


"My sister has multiple personalities. She called me the other day and my caller ID exploded."--Zach Galifianakis


A poet looks at the world the way a man looks at a woman. --Wallace Stevens

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Friday, December 16, 2022

gotta love the timing of a former president launching an NFT line the same week a crypto scammer gets arrested (you’re getting a divorce)


December 2022

“Donald Trump’s major announcement turned out to be so much more pathetic than anyone could’ve possibly imagined. Also, gotta love the timing of a former president launching an NFT line the same week a crypto scammer gets arrested.” —Seth Meyers

“Trump’s promotional strategy, which included a video in which the former president said: ‘Remember, Christmas is coming, and this makes a great Christmas gift.’ No, it doesn’t. I don’t care if you’re the biggest Trump fan in the world – if on Christmas morning you give your spouse a thoughtful gift in a beautifully wrapped box with a bow on it, that they get to open and physically hold in their hands, and then they turn around and tell you, ‘Your gift isn’t here, it’s a digital trading card of Donald Trump as a sunglasses astronaut,’ you’re getting a divorce.” —Seth Meyers

“This proves once again that for anyone involved in the attempted coup on January 6th, things will not end well. In Trump’s case, he’s such a pariah he’s hawking scam digital trading cards on a social media site no one’s heard of.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Thursday, November 24, 2022

All that serves labor serves the nation (God loves us and wants us to be happy)


I was diagnosed as color blind. It came completely out of the green. --Anonymous


I talk to myself a lot, and it bothers other people because I use a megaphone. —Anonymous


Don't eat clowns. They taste funny.--Anonymous


The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.--Anonymous


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." –Benjamin Franklin


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”




 

Monday, July 25, 2022

See, his wife is right, he is funny. He can make jokes (subduing the freeness of speech)


"It's now being reported that Mitt Romney's campaign brought in 200 African American supporters to help cheer him on when he spoke at the NAACP meeting. And it cost him a lot of money because he had to fly them in from the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno


"Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues. As you know, one of Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job before, so this is new." –Jay Leno


"During a fundraiser at a country club in Mississippi, Mitt Romney said the GOP is a party focused on helping the poor. See, his wife Ann is right, he is funny. He can make jokes." –Jay Leno


http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Saturday, November 13, 2021

this iconic watering hole was once the scene of a legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain (the other way around?)


October 2013

"A man in Montana's dog ate five $100 bills he had lying on the dresser. The guy collected his dog's droppings in the yard, took out the pieces of the bill, sent them to the Treasury Department with a note, and the Treasury sent him a check for $500. Isn't that refreshing, to see Washington paying for crap from us rather than the other way around?" –Jay Leno


"In Philadelphia, a historic tavern – a tavern that was frequented by our Founding Fathers — has closed because of the shutdown. It opened in 1773. In fact, this iconic watering hole was once the scene of a legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain." –Jay Leno


"According to Pew Research, immigration is on the rise in this country. As you know, immigrants come here to do the jobs Americans don't want to do – like running the government." –Jay Leno


"The government has been shut down for a whole week. If it were a Kardashian marriage, it would be over by now." –Craig Ferguson


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

It’s a real Ocean’s 11 of people who can’t count to 10 (Benjamin Franklin’s ghost)


October 2021

A new report in Rolling Stone magazine alleged that several members of Trump’s White House staff were involved in planning the rally that led to the Jan. 6 insurrection. Representatives Lauren Boebert of Colorado, Louie Gohmert of Texas and Marjorie Taylor Greene of Mordor were just a few of those said to be involved. It’s a real ‘Ocean’s 11’ of people who can’t count to 10.” —Stephen Colbert

“And I, for one, am shocked that Congress had anything to do with it, because it nearly worked.” —Seth Meyers

“One of the organizers said, ‘I remember Marjorie Taylor Greene specifically.’ Yes, I can imagine it’s hard to forget someone who tells you forest fires are caused by circumcised space lasers.” —Stephen Colbert

“Representative Paul Gosar of Arizona was named, too. This guy, when he was running for office, six of his siblings — his own brothers and sisters — made an attack ad against him and called him a traitor. Before he was one of the most hated members of Congress, he was the most hated member of his family.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“He reportedly told the organizers repeatedly they would get a blanket pardon from Trump and they were all, like, ‘Well, if there’s one thing we know about Donald Trump, he’s as good as his word.’” —Jimmy Kimmel


“You could imagine Paul Gosar or Marjorie Taylor Greene on the phone with the Jan. 6 idiots huddled in their weird little militia hide-out/tree house promising them all kinds of crazy [expletive]: [Imitating Gosar and Greene] ‘You didn’t hear it from me, but I spoke to the chief wizard of the Supreme Court and he said there’s a secret provision written by Benjamin Franklin’s ghost, and it says you can have a blanket pardon, a private plane and a $100 gift card to Golden Corral.’” —Seth Meyers


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Friday, August 27, 2021

Have you ever tried squeaking by on $27,000 a day? (You can comb it and everything)


April 2013

"All five living presidents were in Dallas today for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama said he was happy to support the opening of the library. He should be. After all, Bush got him elected twice. Blame Bush on that one, sir!" –Jay Leno 


"In President Bush's high school yearbook, he was voted least likely to have a library named after him." –Jay Leno


"There's a new iPhone app that tells women where they can buy Michelle Obama's clothes. Not only that — there's another app that tells men where they can buy Hillary Clinton's clothes." –Jimmy Fallon


"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was in Texas today for the dedication of George W. Bush's presidential library. The library is already done, but they brought in Christie for a second ground breaking." –Jimmy Fallon


"The $100 bill is getting redesigned for the first time since 1996. It has new security features that will make it harder to counterfeit. And this is kind of amazing: Benjamin Franklin's hair is real. You can comb it and everything." –Jimmy Kimmel


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Monday, July 27, 2020

Panthro is the ThunderCat he would most like to meet (Why can't we pray that away?)



August 2011

"Michele Bachmann is publishing her memoir. Why can't we pray that away?" –David Letterman


"The CIA is hoping Moammar Gadhafi's weapons don't fall into the wrong hands. Weren't they already in the wrong hands?" –David Letterman 


"The Justice Dept is trying to block the merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. It's only fair because AT&T keeps blocking the mergers between me and the people I try to call." –Jimmy Fallon


"In a new interview, President Obama said Ben Franklin is the Founding Father he would most like to meet. Meanwhile, Joe Biden said that Panthro is the ThunderCat he would most like to meet." –Jimmy Fallon


http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


Monday, August 20, 2018

Honesty is the best policy (Fake News, Franklin!)


Today Omarosa released another secret recording. On this one, Eric Trump's wife, Lara, offers Omarosa $180,000 so she won't say anything negative about the White House. Then Melania said, "Hey, that's WAY more than I'm getting." --Jimmy Fallon
Lara offered Omarosa 180 grand to keep quiet about her time in the administration. Listen to this: [Audio of Lara Trump] "I think we can work something out where we keep you right along those lines. We're talking about, like, 15k a month." $180,000. Does that sound like a fair deal for you? In response, Lara said, "I am so embarrassed about this tape. Now everyone will know that I'm married to Eric Trump." --Jimmy Fallon
In her book "Unhinged," Omarosa says the White House staff has immediate access to any prescription drugs they need. Americans heard that and were like, "Yeah, we all did. It was called Obamacare." --Jimmy Fallon
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Benjamin Franklin's message for Tom Brady (the man thought it was dog poop)


The New England Patriots were beaten by the Philadelphia Eagles 41-33. Eagles fans started fires and punched police horses, then they sat down to watch the Super Bowl. --Conan O’Brien

During Super Bowl celebrations in Philadelphia yesterday, an Eagles fan got so carried away, he ate horse poop right off the street. In his defense, the man thought it was dog poop. --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.
An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.


Thursday, April 20, 2017

By moral standards, he was a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage (madness and cannibalism)



They celebrated O’Reilly’s career, saying, “By ratings standards, Bill O’Reilly is one of the most accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news.” By rating stands he is. By moral standards, he was a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage. –Stephen Colbert
Huge election last night in Georgia’s 6th District. It was an unusual election. It was what’s called a “jungle primary,” because like every election this year, it will probably end in madness and cannibalism. –Stephen Colbert
Sure enough, Ossoff only got 48.1 percent of the vote. If he had gotten over 50 percent of the vote, he would have won outright, but he got less than the majority, so now I think he gets to be president of the United States. Is that how it works? –Stephen Colbert



Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain



Stephen Colbert on Republican claims that they are willing to compromise: "Every one of those offers is a compromise from the Republicans’ original offer: having Mitt Romney be president. But – surprise, surprise – Obama wouldn’t negotiate on that, either."




"In Philadelphia, a historic tavern – a tavern that was frequented by our Founding Fathers — has closed because of the shutdown. It opened in 1773. In fact, this iconic watering hole was once the scene of a legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain." –Jay Leno




"According to Pew Research, immigration is on the rise in this country. As you know, immigrants come here to do the jobs Americans don't want to do – like running the government." –Jay Leno