Hey, no spoilers!

A militia group that is protesting the U.S. government has taken over a wildlife refuge in Oregon. Of course you can understand why they’re angry, it’s really not easy being a white man in Oregon. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama this afternoon said that guns should come with new safety devices because “if a kid can’t open aspirin they shouldn’t be able to pull a trigger.” And the gun lobby plans to cooperate by making aspirin bottles easier to open. –Seth Meyers

After being confronted yesterday by a homosexual protester on whether being gay is a choice, Dr. Ben Carson said, “That’s a long conversation.” Of course, for him, “Hello, I’m Ben Carson” is a long conversation. –Seth Meyers

Researchers have recently found that binge-watching TV shows can raise the risk of chronic disease and early death. Said binge-watchers, “Hey, no spoilers!” –Seth Meyers

Video has surfaced of employees of a Southern California Pizza Hut smoking marijuana on the job during New Year’s Eve. Which explains why every pizza they delivered that night only had two slices left. –Seth Meyers