It will make your digestive system say, ‘Jesus Christ.’ (Onion Rings)

And republicans please stop pretending that this is a Second Amendment issue and just admit that you love guns more than people you don’t know. I mean these are your political ads with you holding all kinds of guns. Look at these ads. You look like you’re running for President of ISIS. If you actually cared about the Second Amendment, you would also care about the well regulated militias part. And I don’t know if Mike Pence noticed when they almost hung him two months ago, but our militias aren’t super well regulated. —Colin Jost

Pepsi announced a new Peep’s flavored soda for Easter. It’s perfect for Easter because it will make your digestive system say, ‘Jesus Christ.’ —Colin Jost

This week, I kind of felt like Biden on those stairs. You thought it had to get better, but then it repeatedly got worse. In the wake of the Colorado and Atlanta shootings President Biden called for universal background checks for gun purchases. And background checks are a great start but shouldn’t we also do current checks. Like ‘what are these guys up to now’. Like how much Call of Duty are they playing? Have they recently DM’d a girl ‘Hey’ thirty times? Or how about this? If you want a gun, the gun store has to talk to at least five people from your life who agree that it’s a good idea for you to have a gun. It’s really not that much to ask. You have to list three references on an application to work at Foot Locker. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like a wedding registry for the most boring couple you know

It's been nearly two weeks since members of an anti-government militia took over a federal bird sanctuary in Oregon in order to protest the government's control of federal lands. The members of the militia are heavily armed with AR-15s, AK-47s, and other lethal weaponry one would expect to find on a bunch of dudes guarding some cockatoos. –James Corden

Ammon Bundy, the leader of the militia, has compared his occupation of the wildlife refuge to that of Rosa Parks. And I think we all remember when Rosa Parks got on a public bus, sat down, then whipped out an AK-47 and threatened to kill anyone who made her change seats. –James Corden

The militia are short on supplies, and have released a wish list of items they hope people will donate to their cause. You have to see this list. These guys did not plan ahead. They're asking for four aprons, ice scrapers, candles, throw rugs. It's like a wedding registry for the most boring couple you know. –James Corden

There is only one thing they say they needed badly on this list — eggs. They need eggs badly, at a bird sanctuary. –James Corden

Hey, no spoilers!

A militia group that is protesting the U.S. government has taken over a wildlife refuge in Oregon. Of course you can understand why they’re angry, it’s really not easy being a white man in Oregon. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama this afternoon said that guns should come with new safety devices because “if a kid can’t open aspirin they shouldn’t be able to pull a trigger.” And the gun lobby plans to cooperate by making aspirin bottles easier to open. –Seth Meyers

After being confronted yesterday by a homosexual protester on whether being gay is a choice, Dr. Ben Carson said, “That’s a long conversation.” Of course, for him, “Hello, I’m Ben Carson” is a long conversation. –Seth Meyers

Researchers have recently found that binge-watching TV shows can raise the risk of chronic disease and early death. Said binge-watchers, “Hey, no spoilers!” –Seth Meyers

Video has surfaced of employees of a Southern California Pizza Hut smoking marijuana on the job during New Year’s Eve. Which explains why every pizza they delivered that night only had two slices left. –Seth Meyers

it’s really not easy being a white man in Oregon

A militia group that is protesting the U.S. government has taken over a wildlife refuge in Oregon. Of course you can understand why they’re angry, it’s really not easy being a white man in Oregon. –Conan O’Brien

A study found that moderate consumption of red wine leads to higher test scores. So apparently, I spent New Year’s Eve "cramming for a final." –Conan O’Brien

A new study came out that reveals some dangerous side effects from childbirth. The dangerous side effects women suffer include pelvic injuries, muscle tears, and children. –Conan O’Brien