Apparently it's Katy Perry's "Roar." (Just in time for Lakers season)

California governor Jerry Brown signed a controversial new bill allowing assisted suicide. Yeah. Just in time for Lakers season. –Conan O’Brien

I'm a big fan of scientific advances in the field of medicine. Scientists announced they just developed a robotic caterpillar that can crawl inside you for medical procedures. And for an extra $50, for nonmedical procedures. --Conan O’Brien

The Pope is at the White House today, the band played the Vatican's national anthem. The Vatican has a national anthem, isn't that crazy? Apparently it's Katy Perry's "Roar." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

that quote's being engraved on the wall of the Bush presidential library (Make the rich kids fight)

Lexus has built a drivable car made of cardboard. Part of the new motto is, "Nothing can stop our cars except a light drizzle." –Conan O’Brien

California governor Jerry Brown signed a controversial new bill allowing assisted suicide. Yeah. Just in time for Lakers season. –Conan O’Brien

"Hey, speaking of presidents, a former speechwriter to President Bush was quoted as saying that, contrary to what people think, 'Bush wasn't dumb.' In fact, as we speak, that quote's being engraved on the wall of the Bush presidential library." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water (It's just one of those things I guess)

"We need rain. Governor Jerry Brown has declared California to be in a state of drought emergency. So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water." –Conan O'Brien

"President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up." --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent speech, former President Bill Clinton said that if Hillary runs for president, he'll do whatever is asked of him. Hillary says the first thing she's going to ask Bill to do is to stop winking when he says that." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Queen Elizabeth needs money so badly she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie (that’s just how Irish people dance)

"The royal family has reportedly burned through its money and is now strapped for cash. In fact, Queen Elizabeth needs money so badly she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie." –Conan O’Brien

"A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, 'I'll be there in five teachers.'" –Conan O'Brien

A Fox News host claims he saw Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway get into a fistfight at one of the inaugural balls. However, today it was explained to him that “that’s just how Irish people dance.” –Conan O’Brien

Officials in California are looking for thieves who stole nearly $50,000 worth of bull semen. Sounds like someone’s getting ready to have a pretty crazy Super Bowl party. –Conan O’Brien

"We need rain. Governor Jerry Brown has declared California to be in a state of drought emergency. So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In other words, she’s still got it (Houston, we have a drinking problem)

Engineers have begun trying to find a way to brew beer on the moon. Which

means we’ll soon have astronauts calling into Mission Control saying, “Houston,

we have a drinking problem.” –Conan O’Brien

Critics are calling Sarah Palin’s endorsement speech of Donald Trump "bizarre," "meandering," and "mystifying." In other words, she’s still got it. –Conan O’Brien

"We need rain. Governor Jerry Brown has declared California to be in a state of drought emergency. So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water." –Conan O'Brien

Today, President Trump signed an executive order authorizing the building of the border wall. It’s guaranteed to keep out all Mexicans unless they get their hands on a ladder or a shovel. –Conan O’Brien

Amherst College has decided to get rid of its mascot, Lord Jeff, because Jeffery Amherst famously gave smallpox-infected blankets to Native Americans. Amherst’s new mascot is Chipotle. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

When I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water (spill out candy)

January 2014

"Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis says Governor Chris Christie canceled a position for him when he did something Christie didn't like. When asked what he did, Lewis said 'a sit-up.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"France's first lady is suffering from extreme fatigue after learning of her husband's affair with an actress. I don't know why she's tired. He's the one juggling two women." –Conan O'Brien

"The smog from factories in China is traveling across the Pacific and now is hitting the U.S. So now even our smog is made in China. We don't even have American smog anymore." –Conan O'Brien

"We need rain. Governor Jerry Brown has declared California to be in a state of drought emergency. So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie is getting a lot of support from New Jersey's Hispanic community. Some Hispanics like his moderate conservatism while others believe if you hit him he'll break open and spill out candy." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

If this were a Lord of the Rings movie, we'd be almost halfway through (gooseberry jam)

October 2013

"We just hit 190 hours of the government shutdown. If this were a 'Lord of the Rings' movie, we'd be almost halfway through." –Craig Ferguson

"Despite the shutdown, the congressional gym in Washington, D.C., remains open. The congressional gym is like any other gym except the customers are the dumbbells." –Craig Ferguson 

"California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill that allows illegals in California to practice law. You thought a lot of Americans wanted to close the border before? Wait until lawyers start sneaking across." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he thinks the Washington Redskins should consider changing their name. He didn't stop there. He also said the New York Giants should consider changing their sport." –Jay Leno

"Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face." –Jay Leno

"Under a law that dates back to the 1960s, the Amish are exempt from most federal safety-net programs, and that includes Obamacare. Amish communities actually insure themselves, which is good. I depend on those people who make my gooseberry jam." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Cool, at least they think we do something (It's pronounced Quiche)

January 2013

"A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, 'Cool, at least they think we do something.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Our huge state budget deficit is gone. Governor Jerry Brown announced the state budget for next year is projected to net an $851 million surplus and this year we'll have a surplus of $785 million. You hear that, meter maids? Maybe you can stop giving us tickets for a couple of months." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a huge achievement for Governor Jerry Brown. Apparently you can get a lot done when you're not walking around saying 'I'll be back' all the time." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

She saw the Austin Powers movie and thought it was a documentary (hoping, I guess, she would get one?)

January 2021

“Marjorie Taylor Greene is the lady who, among other things, she called for Nancy Pelosi’s execution, she called for Joe Biden’s impeachment on his first day in office, and she believes our former governor here in California, Jerry Brown, used space lasers to set the wildfires here. She saw the ‘Austin Powers’ movie and thought it was a documentary, I guess.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“I wonder how it would go over with the Fox News and Ted Cruz crew if Nancy Pelosi called for Marjorie Taylor Greene to be executed and called a teenage kid ‘Hitler.’ You think they’d have anything to say? Well, it was the other way around, and guess what? Most of them have nothing to say. Instead they assigned her to the education committee — hoping, I guess, she would get one?” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't know if I trust a governor who's never done steroids (Which Joe Biden is your favorite?)

"This weekend in Arkansas, thousands of dead birds dropped out of the sky and there were 100,000 dead fish in the rivers. Also, McDonald's is having a special on Chicken McNuggets and Filet of Fish." –Jay Leno

"President Obama says he read three books while he was on vacation. Or as Sarah Palin put it, 'showoff.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We have a new governor in California. Former Gov. Jerry Brown replaces Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don't know if I trust a governor who's never done steroids." –Jimmy Kimmel 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

There are some things prostitutes won't do (Any other kids do that with their dads?)

"Rich Iott, the Republican nominee and Tea Party-backed candidate for Congress in Ohio, has admitted that he dressed up in a Nazi uniform for a Nazi reenactment. He said he was just following orders. His campaign slogan: 'In your heart you know he's Reich.''' –Jay Leno

"A Republican candidate for Congress in Ohio, a guy named Richard Iott, photos have surfaced of him dressed in a Nazi uniform. He would go to Nazi reenactments dressed as an SS Stormtrooper. He said he only dressed as a Nazi as a bonding ritual with his son. Really? Any other kids do that with their dads? 'I don't want to fish, I don't want to play catch, Let's dress up as Nazis!'" –Jay Leno

"Gubernatorial candidate Jerry Brown's campaign is in trouble for allegedly calling her opponents Meg Whitman a 'whore.' And of course, now real whores are upset with Brown because they don't want to be mixed up in politics. There are some things they won't do." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Donald Trump has an ethics adviser? (sparkling with lime)

The charity organization Oxfam is renting out President Trump’s childhood home to refugees. It’s pretty cool; they’ve already rented out a room to a refugee on the run named “Melania.” –Conan O’Brien

California Gov. Jerry Brown is working on a plan to build two tunnels that will bring water to Southern California. Of course, it’s California, so one tunnel is for flat water, the other sparkling with lime. –Conan O’Brien

The wife of Donald Trump’s ethics adviser was caught having sex in a car with a prison inmate. Can you believe that? Donald Trump has an ethics adviser. –Conan O’Brien

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern #repealreplacerepublicans

JOKES: No New Texans/Brown v. Orange/inheriting their father’s business

During an interview yesterday, Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway compared Donald Trump to Jesus. That's right, two guys who started out by inheriting their father’s business. –Conan O’Brien

California Gov. Jerry Brown said if he has to he will fight Donald Trump in court on climate change. Experts say it will be the landmark case of Brown v. Orange. –Conan O’Brien

An art gallery in Finland recently put on an exhibition of paintings created by a brown bear named Juuso. The exhibition sold 15 of the bear's paintings, raising $8,500. Fifteen paintings — that is 14 more paintings than Van Gogh sold in his entire lifetime. –James Corden

Bieber's funeral is tomorrow

They're saying that Republican candidate Ben Carson made a number of serious mistakes as a neurosurgeon and even left a sponge in one patient's brain. When asked how it affected his life, the patient was like "It's fine, I'm still running for president. I don't care. Everything's great. It's gonna be huge." –Jimmy Fallon

California governor Jerry Brown signed a controversial new bill allowing assisted suicide. Yeah. Just in time for Lakers season. –Conan O’Brien

Lexus has built a drivable car made of cardboard. Part of the new motto is, "Nothing can stop our cars except a light drizzle." –Conan O’Brien

Ultimate fighting champion Ronda Rousey is mad at Justin Bieber because Bieber refused to take a picture with her little sister. Bieber's funeral is tomorrow. –Conan O’Brien

What would Anthony Weiner do now?

"According to a new study, smog is drifting across the Pacific Ocean from China and polluting our West Coast. Can't we make anything in this country anymore?" –Jay Leno 



"Here's something I find hard to believe. Anthony Weiner makes between three and four hundred thousand dollars a year as a political consultant. Anthony Weiner! How bad are you doing in the polls when you start saying to yourself, 'What would Anthony Weiner do now?'" –Jay Leno



"We need rain. Governor Jerry Brown has declared California to be in a state of drought emergency. So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water." –Conan O'Brien