Yeah, the only way he'll be king is if the Kentucky Derby judges disqualify everyone else (His bail was set at 200 goats)

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble. He was arrested this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets. And you can tell it's serious. His bail was set at 200 goats." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday, Chris Christie tweeted that he had a colonoscopy just hours before he went to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yeah, that's what you want to see at a dinner — Chris Christie after he wasn't able to eat for 24 hours." –Jimmy Fallon

I want to say congrats to Meghan Markle and Prince Harry. Today they welcomed a baby boy. The baby's doing great. Buckingham Palace says that he Brexited his mother early this morning. Weighed in at 3.2 kilograms. Americans heard that, and were like, "Yeah, we have no idea how much that is." They're like, "Kilograms? That 32 pounds? I have no idea." And get this. I read that the new baby is seventh in line for the throne. Yeah, the only way he'll be king is if the Kentucky Derby judges disqualify everyone else. --Jimmy Fallon

It's being reported that the Kardashians were frustrated when they were in Cuba because most Cubans have not seen their show, so they don't know why they're famous. As opposed to most Americans who have seen their show, and still don't know why they're famous. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He had blood on his hands/giant foam fingers/everything tasted like sh*t

“Aside from the million or so people at his funeral yesterday, everyone else agrees that Suleimani was a bad guy responsible for death and destruction around the world. But as bad as Suleimani was, not everyone agrees that killing him like this was a good idea, the same way things only got worse when America got rid of Saddam Hussein, or when America got rid of Muammar Gaddafi, or when America got rid of gluten – because I don’t know what it actually is, all I know is once it was gone, everything tasted like shit.” —Trevor Noah

“On Tuesday morning, it was reported that a top Iranian official revealed the country has drawn up 13 potential retaliation scenarios, also known as an Ayatollah’s dozen. Trump, meanwhile, had been tweeting threats against Iran since the Suleimani killing, including ones directed at Iranian cultural sites. He walked back those comments in a press conference Tuesday, saying he wouldn’t bomb cultural sites because ‘I like to obey the law.’ [As Trump] I like to obey the law, just ask Paul Manafort or Michael Cohen. If they ever get out of federal prison, they will vouch for me.” —Stephen Colbert

“Iran is promising to launch a retaliatory missile strike against US troops in Iraq. Our prayers are with the troops and our allies, but this is when it becomes particularly preposterous that our president is Donald Trump. We might be at war, and this guy – you know what he’s busy with? He’s bragging, Trump did and interview this week on Rush Limbaugh’s radio show in which he claimed to have wiped out Isis (false) and been the number one on Facebook (also false). All he cares about is being number one. Our country is being run by the human equivalent of one of those giant foam fingers you see at college football games.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us? (giggle train)

"This Taepo-Dong could be horrific. Millions could die from this Dong. A veritable Dong-ocaust. By creating lethal weapons with very silly names, they're making their growing military might seem hilariously innocuous. And you know our president -- you mention Taepo Dong at a national security briefing, and he's taking a two-hour ride on the giggle train. It's not just the Taepo-Dong. Did you know Kim's working on neutron explosive that burns you from the inside out, leaving you a charred husk of flesh? It's called Long Fat ****. Worst of all, when it blows up, it spreads a deadly biochemical cream of sum yung guy." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

Jon Stewart, on past White House comments that Americans shouldn't change their energy consumption habits because the American lifestyle is "a blessed one" with "a bounty of resources": "If it's so blessed, why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?"

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

President Bush still doesn't know where he was (escape strategy)

"Big weekend for President Bush, you all heard about this. Over the weekend President Bush left the White House in an unmarked car and took a top secret trip to Iraq. In fact, the trip was so secret, President Bush still doesn't know where he was. It was hot and there were foreign guys. Mexico, that's his number one guess." --Conan O'Brien

"How about that President Bush, yesterday made a surprise visit to Iraq. I don't know whether it was jet lag or if he was just confused, but he served the troops Thanksgiving dinner. President Bush was in Iraq for 8 hours. Nice to see he has an escape strategy." --David Letterman

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

JOKES: No New Texans/Brown v. Orange/inheriting their father’s business

During an interview yesterday, Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway compared Donald Trump to Jesus. That's right, two guys who started out by inheriting their father’s business. –Conan O’Brien

California Gov. Jerry Brown said if he has to he will fight Donald Trump in court on climate change. Experts say it will be the landmark case of Brown v. Orange. –Conan O’Brien

An art gallery in Finland recently put on an exhibition of paintings created by a brown bear named Juuso. The exhibition sold 15 of the bear's paintings, raising $8,500. Fifteen paintings — that is 14 more paintings than Van Gogh sold in his entire lifetime. –James Corden

JOKES: Trump said, "I was amazed by Dory’s long attention span."

They asked Trump about "Finding Dory" and Trump said, "I was amazed by Dory’s long attention span." –Conan O’Brien

This weekend the nation's airports were filled with people protesting president Trump's Muslim ban. It was the largest collection of angry people at an airport since every United Airlines flight. –Conan O’Brien

The CEO of Starbucks has pledged to hire 10,000 refugees. So if you think they're writing your name incorrectly on the cups now . . . –Conan O’Brien

A Tomahawk cruise missile fell off a truck in the Bronx (doesn't make him gay)

"You know Ann Coulter? She was on CNBC today and she said 'Bill Clinton is gay.' Please, just because she's the only woman on the planet he wouldn't have sex with doesn't make him gay." --Jay Leno

"A Tomahawk cruise missile fell off a truck in the Bronx this week. A cruise missile, isn't that unbelievable? You know what that means? There are now more weapons of mass destruction in the Bronx than there are in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"AT&T said in the second quarter their profits increased by 81%. So apparently, the government is paying them to listen to our phone calls." --Jay Leno