The two things he loves the most

"Ted Cruz was speaking to the Value Voters Convention. Oh, it's a great convention they have. It was him, Michele Bachmann, Glenn Beck, and Rick Santorum. The entrance was pretty spectacular; they all arrived in a short bus." –Bill Maher



"There were some people heckling Ted Cruz, and he accused them of being paid political operatives helping President Obama. Ted, don't you get it, you're the paid political operative helping President Obama." –Bill Maher



"New Rule: If you get salmonella because of the government shutdown and die, then John Boehner has to come to your funeral. How can he resist? Funerals have the two things he loves the most: crying and an open bar." – Bill Maher