Some of them have stopped having sex with him.

"This week, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg was a victim of identity theft. Someone stole Mayor Bloomberg's identity. By the time police arrested the thief, he had already passed three ordinances and dedicated a museum." --Conan O'Brien

"Everyone's favorite Idaho senator who did not have gay sex in a public bathroom, Larry Craig, is back in the news. You may remember, he pleaded guilty to public indecency for playing footsie with an undercover cop in the men's room in the Minneapolis airport. Well, not long after that, he decided he was not playing footsie and asked the judge if he could withdraw his guilty plea. Well, the judge today said 'no.' For some reason now, Senator Craig has decided not to resign. His fellow Republicans are not happy. They want him out of there. A lot of them stopped talking to him. Some of them have stopped having sex with him." --Jimmy Kimmel

Why the hell am I living in Kentucky?

Kim Davis says that issuing marriage licenses to gay people violates her religious beliefs. The state of Kentucky says that it's her job. Gay people in Kentucky say, “Why the hell am I living in Kentucky?” –James Corden

Davis was only in jail for four nights. To put that in perspective, Nelson Mandela was in prison for 27 years and he walked out calmly wearing a suit. Kim Davis was in jail for four nights and she came out like she was about to fight Manny Pacquiao. –James Corden

a flying Prius

Toyota filed a patent this weekend for a wing system that could be an attempt to make a flying Prius. As opposed to what USUALLY creates a flying Prius: a strong gust of wind. –Jimmy Fallon

Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who was held in contempt of court for refusing to issue same-sex marriage licenses, has been released after four harrowing nights in jail. It would have just been three nights, except the jail offices were closed for Labor Day — which is ironic because that's the holiday where we celebrate people who do their jobs. –James Corden

The Dave Lama

"London's famous Globe Theatre announced plans to perform Shakespeare's play 'Hamlet' in North Korea. Of course, 'Hamlet' is about a man on a murderous revenge mission inspired by his late father. Then Kim Jong Un said, 'Where do they come up with this stuff?'" –Jimmy Fallon



"The Dalai Lama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. Then he introduced his husband, The Dave Lama." –Conan O'Brien

"New reports show that the Crimean vote to join Russia on Sunday did not include an option for 'no.' There were only two boxes on the ballot, one for 'yes,' and one for 'murder my family.'" –Seth Meyers



or as Chinese parents call it...

“People are saying Donald Trump is going to run for governor of New York. I don't know. It could just be a rumor. All I know is earlier today Donald demanded to see his own birth certificate.” –David Letterman

"As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. And today New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, 'How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?'" –Conan O'Brien



"The shutdown cost the economy $24 billion, and caused China to lower our credit rating to A- – or as Chinese parents call it, an F." –Stephen Colbert

Stop searching online for gay men kissing

"The a**hole douchebag who runs Chick-Fil-A tweeted his disgust about the ruling. He said it was a sad day for the nation. Because gay sex is just icky. He said if you want something disgusting and unnatural lodged in your colon, it better be one of his sandwiches." –Bill Maher

"Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she's so old that she could be a Republican." –Conan O'Brien



"Televangelist Pat Robertson said he wishes Facebook had a 'vomit button' he could push whenever someone posts a picture of a gay couple kissing. Of course, the other option would be for Pat Robertson to stop searching online for gay men kissing." –Conan O'Brien 

Women can shut that whole thing down

"Texas state Senator Wendy Davis single-handedly stopped a draconian abortion bill from getting passed in the Texas state legislature, stood up their filibustering for 12 hours. So I guess Todd Akin was right – women can shut that whole thing down." –Bill Maher



"Not everyone is taking advantage of the new law. John McCain and Lindsay Graham announced today that they're going to continue living secret lives of quiet desperation." –Bill Maher 



"Christian conservatives are furious about this. This has made them defensive. They say they are not bigots because they're against gay marriage. Now they say they're being bullied, demonized, and discriminated against. Yeah, how's that feel?" –Bill Maher 

She called for a full scale invasion of Cognito!

"Now that the Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act, this ruling means California gay guys can finally marry someone other than Liza Minnelli." –Jay Leno 

"It's gay pride week here in New York City. Here's how you can tell. The construction workers are hooting at EACH OTHER." –David Letterman 

"That Edward Snowden dude got out of Hong Kong, flew to Russia, has been in the Russian airport the whole week, but still no one can find him. When Sarah Palin today heard that he may be incognito, she called for a full scale invasion of Cognito." –Bill Maher 

The first thing I know about Delaware..

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he's still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, 'I now have six free hours a day I don't know what to do with.'" –Conan O'Brien



"According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady." –Conan O'Brien



"Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware." –Jimmy Fallon

Rising moisture created from hot, steamy man-action

"Thanks to Televangelists Pat Robertson and John Hagee, we know that bad weather is always God's punishment for man's moral failings. Hurricanes form from rising moisture created from hot, steamy man-action aboard a gay Caribbean cruise."  –Stephen Colbert

"A recent poll found that 58% of Americans now think it should be legal for gays and lesbians to get married. And the other 42% object only because they don't want to go to another goddamn wedding." –Stephen Colbert 

"The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex." –Jimmy Kimmel 

I'll collapse that bridge when I get to it

"Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people." –Craig Ferguson



"Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco." –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he's not sure if he's going to run for re-election next year. He's said, 'I'll collapse that bridge when I get to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

Today President Obama came out in favor of same-sex marriage

"Michele Bachamnn has announced she is now also a citizen of Switzerland. What better way to protest a president you think is socialist than become a citizen of a country with a socialist philosophy and a mandated health care plan." –Jay Leno



"Today President Obama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. He said he hoped his support would make it easier for gay people to get married and for John Travolta to get a massage." –Conan O'Brien 

"Membership and recruiting of Al Qaeda is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underpants." –David Letterman 



"Let's just say you put on the exploding underpants and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then what?" –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot

"In the last year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s approval rating has gone up 12 points. That's impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution." –Jimmy Kimmel  

"Hillary Clinton is making headlines now for nonpolitical reasons. She attended a number of public events without makeup on. Is that a big deal? I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot." –Jimmy Kimmel 

John Hulse painting

The price of cheese is going through the roof

"The White House is considering supporting same sex marriage. Experts are attributing the change to shifting public attitudes, recent court cases, and the President catching a recent episode of 'Glee.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Gas is so expensive now that BP actually started inspecting their oil rigs." –Jay Leno



"The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof." –Jay Leno