I'm not opening that!

"Bill O'Reilly said, 'I am dealing with reality. I am like Paul Revere.' Here's how Bill O'Reilly is like Paul Revere: when he rides past you, you see a horse's ass." –Bill Maher 

"New Rule: Stop asking if the new royal baby is more like William or more like Kate. He's more like Uncle Harry - naked and unable to stand." –Bill Maher 

"It's been a rough week for Anthony Weiner. His campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner's newest scandal. And it's tough finding a replacement because every time he emails someone, they're like, 'I'm not opening that.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

You'll never have to work a day in your life

"Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, 'You'll never have to work a day in your life.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Some jackass vandalized the Lincoln Memorial. Who hates the Lincoln Memorial? Democrats love it because it honors the man who freed the slaves. And Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing." –Bill Maher 

So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'

"There's a new Anthony Weiner scandal. Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He confirmed yesterday that some new sexually explicit messages have been leaked. He sent them to a woman on Facebook using the code name 'Carlos Danger.' Which is still easier to believe than that other name: Mayor Weiner." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, 'You'll never have to work a day in your life.'" –Conan O'Brien



"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'" –Craig Ferguson

How do we get this kid to move to Detroit?

"Experts are predicting that the royal baby could pump $380 million into the British economy. So the question is: How do we get this kid to move to Detroit?" –Conan O'Brien



"President Obama has issued a statement about the royal baby. He told him to hang on to the birth certificate. Those things come in handy." –Conan O'Brien 

Because if there's one thing babies love..

"NASA released pictures of earth taken from 900 million miles away. From 900 miles away, you can make out the Great Wall of China. In Newark, you can make out Chris Christie." –David Letterman 

"The royal baby has been born. The royal baby was officially welcomed with a 62-gun salute. Because if there's one thing babies love, it's the sound of repeated artillery fire." –Conan O'Brien

 

It's a really slow-moving line

"The royal baby has left the hospital. He will now go to one of the royal estates, where he will rest comfortably – for the next 80 years." –Jay Leno
 


"This royal baby is third in line for the throne. To which Prince Charles said, 'It's a really slow-moving line.'" –Jay Leno 

"New Yorkers were so shocked that the thing on Trump's head fainted." –Craig Fergsuon 

What's labor?

"Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, 'Oh my God. What's labor?'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"I understand there's a lot of celebrating going on at Buckingham Palace right now. I just hope they're able to get up for work tomorrow." –Jay Leno



"Bookies say the odds are 11-2 that the royal baby will be named George, after his great-great-grandfather, King George VI. And the odds are 100-1 he'll be named George after the George Foreman Grill." –Conan O'Brien