Later on he gave blood, then stole it back and chugged it

“Forget ideology. Mitt Romney is just always wrong about everything. He was wrong about bin Laden, he was wrong about FEMA. He said only a few months ago we should get rid of FEMA and let private enterprise handle disaster relief. What a great idea. Of course, on Wednesday he released a statement saying no, he loves FEMA now. I tell you, if you think a super storm is bad, if Mitt and anti-Mitt ever met, the universe would implode." –Bill Maher



"Did you see Romney packing up canned goods for victims. The people in New Jersey were like, 'What, make my marinara sauce out of a can? What are you a f**king moron?" –Bill Maher



"What happened is Romney had a rally where they bought $5,000 worth of canned goods from Wal-Mart, handed them out to their supporters, and then had their supporters pretend to be giving them to the victims for the cameras. Because that's what Mitt is all about -- people. People pretending to help people. Later on he gave blood, then stole it back and chugged it." –Bill Maher



John Hulse painting

Obama approached it so differently than Bush; he showed up!

"Today Rush Limbaugh joked about President Obama and Chris Christie being gay lovers. Obama and Christie are furious, and said they'd give a formal response as soon as they get back from the Caribbean." –Conan O'Brien



"Italy's former prime minster Sylvia Berlusconi has been sentenced to four years in prison for tax evasion. You know what you get in America for tax evasion? The Republican presidential nomination." –Jay Leno



“Everyone is asking how this storm is going to affect the election. I think it’s given Obama momentum because of how he handled it. He approached it so differently than Bush; he showed up." –Bill Maher on Hurricane Sandy 

John Hulse painting

Releasing their strategic bladder reserves...

"Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA who was forced to resign after Hurricane Katrina, has criticized the president. He said Obama may have acted too quickly this time — instead of taking the wait-and-do-nothing approach that worked so well during Katrina." –Jimmy Kimmel



"I’d like to single out some heroes, like the nurses at NYU hospital. After the hospital generators failed, these nurses carried 20 newborns down nine flights of stairs while manually operating respirators. I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter." –Stephen Colbert

"The MTA reported that Sandy flooded seven subway tunnels under the East River, which means it could be weeks before they're able to restore the scent of urine. That's why I'm calling on New York drunks to head into the subway and release their strategic bladder reserves." –Stephen Colbert





"In a Romney administration, instead of depending on big government, you’d be rescued by private sector volunteers, like Paul Ryan, who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already clean pots." –Stephen Colbert

John Hulse painting

Fox News said it was caused by two men kissing in Central Park

"Power outages could wreak havoc on Election Day. But don't worry, Republicans have back-up crooked voting machines." –David Letterman

"Everybody's mind is on Hurricane Sandy. The worst is over. Now people are discussing the cause. Sources say that it was partly caused by global warming. Meanwhile, Fox News said it was caused by two men kissing in Central Park." –Conan O'Brien



"The stock market was closed for two days, yesterday and today. You know what that means? Although our lives were in danger, at least for two days our money was safe." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

A Republican who has never heard of bumper stickers

"The hurricane has interrupted the presidential campaign. Both presidential candidates are taking measures to prepare for Hurricane Sandy. President Obama is staying in Washington to coordinate relief efforts. And Mitt Romney is moving his smaller homes into his larger home." –Conan O'Brien



"President Obama now has a 52-point lead with Hispanics. However, Mitt Romney has a 90-point lead with the people who hire Hispanics." –Conan O'Brien



"A man in Indiana got a tattoo of Mitt Romney's campaign logo on his face. They describe the man as a staunch Republican who has never heard of bumper stickers." –Conan O'Brien

John Hulse painting

and women should remain in their binders...

"Today Mitt Romney advised that men should head for the shelters and women should remain in their binders." –Bill Maher



"If these evangelical Republicans were any more anti-woman, I would think that they're repressed homo…wait a second!" –Bill Maher 



"It’s now reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to star in another 'Conan' movie. In this one, Conan has a son with the woman who cleans his castle." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

What he said, but from a white guy..

"Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning." –Bill Maher





"We had the last presidential debate. A very subdued Mitt Romney I thought. If you saw it, Obama would talk, and then Mitt would say, 'what he said, but from a white guy.'" –Bill Maher 



"In the last three weeks, Mitt Romney has come out against tax cuts for the rich, against war, and suddenly for regulations, for teachers, for auto bailouts, for the UN, for birth control, for foreign aid. And what I love is that at this point it's too late for the Tea Party to do anything about this except act like they're okay with it. At this point they're at this point they're like Jerry Sandusky's wife." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting