his station wagon was full of wives?

I don't know how many wives he has. I'm not saying that I believe in that, I'm just saying he was born on a Mormon compound. I'm not a 'Wifer' but for some reason he's never shown his original marriage certificate." –Bill Maher, countering "Birthers" by creating a Romney 'Wifer' controversy





"Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?" –Bill Maher



"Mitt Romney, who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, and on record saying he would not violate Pakistan's border to get bin Laden, this week said, 'Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.' Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously?" --Bill Maher

he thought it was a gay wedding dress

"Attorney General John Ashcroft is in intensive care. He's suffering from a severe case of pancreatitis, which they can't really figure out because he's not really a drinker. They think he might have picked up some type of infection while wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights." —Bill Maher



"Attorney General John Ashcroft has been hospitalized. I believe he is suffering from homophobia. No, actually, it was just gallstones, but when they gave him the hospital gown that opens in the back, he refused to wear it, he thought it was a gay wedding dress." —Jay Leno

There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since...President Bush.
- David Letterman

Operation Week-Day Freedom

"Have you seen these ads? They look a lot like Reagan's 'Morning in America' ads with the slow motion images of regular Americans, the new age piano music. It looks a lot like a Claritin ad. And at the end, you hear a voice-over say, 'Ask your doctor if George Bush is right for you. ...But it all kind of back-fired. I mean, they were all meant to be gauzy, feel-good image ads, but a lot of people ... are pissed off because they used images from 9/11 and the World Trade Center. The president of the firefighters' union said it was disgraceful, there was a 9/11 widow who said, 'It made me sick,' and there was Mel Gibson who said, 'Not enough blood.'" —Bill Maher



"The White House predicted 150,000 new jobs for the month that just passed. The statistics came back: 21,000. But, you know, the White House, always up for solutions through labeling. From now on, Americans who've lost their jobs will no longer be known as 'unemployed,' they are enjoying 'Operation Week-Day Freedom.'" —Bill Maher

Vote For Me, Mr. Lucky

"Political experts say this whole election will come down to a handful of swing voters. You know what a swing voter is? See, that's someone who was against the war but has a job at Halliburton." —Jay Leno



"I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs." —David Letterman



"Have you seen President Bush has already started running his campaign ads, the theme of which, apparently is, 'This Shit Ain't My Fault.' No, I'm serious, his ads talk about the attacks of 9/11, the recession, the dot-com bubble bursting, and then they end with his slogan, 'Vote For Me, Mr. Lucky.'" —Bill Maher



if Martha gets the maximum sentence on all counts..

"Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a verdict. Martha was found guilty on all charges. In a related story, there's a huge sale at K-Mart." —Conan O'Brien



"This is serious, if Martha gets the maximum sentence on all counts, she could serve 20 years in prison. Of course, you have to take off time off for good behavior, which means 20 years in prison." —Conan O'Brien



"The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." —Jay Leno



Michael Jackson must be scared to death

"President George Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme — 'Safer, Stronger, and Tested.' Isn't that a condom ad?" —Jay Leno



"Martha Stewart was convicted of four counts of lying and obstruction of justice and could serve up to 20 years in Congress." —Craig Kilborn



"Martha Stewart was found guilty on all charges. You know what that means, stripes are in this year." —Jay Leno



"How amazing is that? A jury convicting a rich white woman on felony charges. Michael Jackson must be scared to death." —Jay Leno



if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month..

"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China." —Jay Leno



"John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this." —Jay Leno

President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot." —Jay Leno



"President George Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'" —Jay Leno