What the realtor said was...

Millions of noisy and rare cicadas have emerged from the ground in central Kansas after spending 17 years underground. Said one cicada, "Bush versus Clinton, oh crap, you guys, we haven't slept at all. We came out too early." —Seth Meyers

A Maryland couple is suing their realtor because they say the agent knew the home was infested with snakes, but sold it to them anyway. In fairness, what the realtor said was the place definitely didn't have any mice. —Seth Meyers

Malcolm X will no longer star Benedict Cumberbatch

Cameron Crowe has issued an apology for casting Emma Stone as an Asian woman in his new movie. He also announced that his next film about Malcolm X will no longer star Benedict Cumberbatch.—Conan O’Brien

Delta Air Lines is experimenting with pre-loading carry-on bags to speed up the boarding process. And if there's any phrase that fills me with terror, it's "Delta Air Lines is experimenting."—Seth Meyers

The first person not to brag about running a marathon

Hillary Clinton is headed to L.A. this month to attend a fundraiser hosted by "Spider-Man" star Tobey Maguire. Hillary is a big fan of Spider-Man because he proves that Americans still love sequels.—Jimmy Fallon

Last weekend, 92-year-old Harriette Thompson became the oldest woman ever to complete a marathon. While the guy who finished after her made history by being the first person not to brag about running a marathon.-- Jimmy Fallon

The hard part is getting the cow up on the volcano

Chelsea Clinton has written a children's book titled “It’s Your World: Get Informed, Get Inspired & Get Going.” It’s a great book to read to your workaholic toddler. —Seth Meyers

Scientists working on The Syracuse University Lava Project have discovered how to grill a steak using lava. The hard part is getting the cow up on the volcano. —Seth Meyers

This is a real question on the al-Qaida job application

To join al-Qaida, you must be willing to die in the name of Allah and be proficient at Microsoft XL.—Jimmy Kimmel

This is a real question on the al-Qaida job application: "Have you ever been in jail or prison?" Usually that is a bad thing but in this case I don't know.--Jimmy Kimmel

Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years?

Three Southwest Airlines baggage handlers are accused of smuggling drugs in luggage. The officials became suspicious when every single one of the Southwest bags made it to its destination.—Conan O’Brien

The government released hundreds of documents seized from Osama bin Laden's compound. Among the items is a job application for al-Qaida. It's like a regular job application except it asks questions like, "Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years?"—Jimmy Kimmel

I know it's Monday but...

Bruce Springsteen is selling his house in Beverly Hills for around $70 million. And for that much money, the house actually comes WITH Bruce Springsteen. —Jimmy Fallon

President Obama, by the way, has set a Guinness World Record as the fastest person to get a million Twitter followers. Obama now has as many followers as the Republicans have presidential candidates. .—Conan O’Brien