After all, this is the first time he's really been elected

"According to the folks at the White House the federal budget deficit is now a whooping $427 billion dollars. For a guy who quite drinking President Bush sure knows how to run up a tab." --Craig Ferguson

Jon Stewart: "Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for –- the official halfway point of the Bush presidency."
President Bush: "I George Walker Bush do solemnly swear…"
Stewart: "At which point 49 percent of the country also solemnly swore."

"President Bush is being criticized because his inaugural celebration cost $40 million. When asked about it, the president said, 'Sorry, but my daughters insisted on an open bar.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Some people are criticizing President Bush for spending $40 million on his inauguration, but hey, give the guy a break, he's excited. After all, this is the first time he's really been elected." –Jay Leno

His plan: take the security part out of it

"Tonight in his speech, President Bush introduced his plan for Social Security. His plan: take the security part out of it." --Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight it was President Bush's State of the Union address and it is always exciting to be there. I don't care what you think, if you are Democrat or Republican it is always an exciting event. President Bush was interrupted forty times by applause and twice to look up a word in the dictionary." --David Letterman

"The State of the Union address was tonight. A little fun fact: Historians say that most presidents have begun their State of the Union address by saying 'The state of the union is strong.' ... However President Bush started his speech a little differently. He said 'the State of the Union is strongtastic' and then he wandered away, but they got him back."  --Conan O'Brien

He budgeted the upcoming invasion into Iran under office supplies

"In a speech today President Bush said contrary to reports, he has no plans to attack Iran. The president said 'That's ridiculous. We didn't even have plans when we attacked Iraq.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush, bless his heart, is trying to cut the federal budget. Do you know what it is? Two and a half trillion dollars! And he's trying to cut wherever he can. As a matter of fact he is going to try and get rid of unnecessary White House employees. So apparently he is resigning." --David Letterman

"According to a new poll only 44% of Americans approve of President Bush's new plans for Social Security. 44%, or as Bush calls that, a mandate." --Jay Leno

"The president submitted his annual budget -- $2.5 trillion. Don't kid yourself with this George W. Bush. This guy is sneaky, this guy is cunning, this guy is shrewd. He budgeted the upcoming invasion into Iran under office supplies." --David Letterman

He actually had two jobs

"Jeff Gannon ... He is a White House correspondent who has been lobbing softball questions at the president and his press secretary, turns out he is actually a paid escort for wealthy homosexuals. ... He actually had two jobs -- one obviously was sleazy and shameful and the other was a gay male prostitute. ... I think I know what Bush meant now when he said he has a mandate." --Bill Maher

"The president said today the U.S. does not intend to attack Iran but then he said quote 'but you never want a president to say never.' And he said if his position does change he will make that information public in a time-honored appropriate manner -- by leaking it to a gay prostitute." --Bill Maher

"It's been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran and keep our other 70% in Iraq." --Tina Fey

That's why it's a 60-second spot

"President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot." —Jay Leno



"President George Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'" —Jay Leno

"President George Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme — 'Safer, Stronger, and Tested.' Isn't that a condom ad?" —Jay Leno



"Martha Stewart was convicted of four counts of lying and obstruction of justice and could serve up to 20 years in Congress." —Craig Kilborn

A Ugandan police officer walks into a bar...

On this day in 1776 in Philadelphia, the Liberty Bell rang to announce the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence. Philadelphia's called the City of Brotherly Love. The name comes from the Greek word "filla," meaning brother, and "delphia," meaning cheesesteak.—Craig Ferguson

A Ugandan police officer claims he was forced to shoot an aggressive tortoise that attacked him while he was drinking tea at home. In his defense, he had to act quickly, or move over a few feet and weigh his options for another hour.—Seth Meyers

I say good for the blueberry. It deserves it.

I'm trying to figure out what to make for the Fourth of July. Hamburgers and hot dogs get a lot of attention, but the Fourth is really the blueberry's day to shine. When you need a blue food to round out your red, white, and blue items, there's nowhere else to turn but the blueberry. Every year, the blueberry has it right where it wants us. I say good for the blueberry. It deserves it.—Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday Toronto Mayor Rob Ford attended his first city council meeting since he got back from rehab. He said, “It's great to be back, but man, these things are boring when you're sober.”—Jimmy Fallon

Target Field in Minnesota will have self-serve beer machines at the All-Star Game next week. Big deal. My dad had a self-serving beer machine 30 years ago. It was called "Jimmy."—Jimmy Fallon