Of course not, he avoided Vietnam

"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." —David Letterman

"Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night." —David Letterman

"CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk." —David Letterman

President Bush has already ignored three memos about this

"'Decision Points' by George W. Bush has dropped, and it's like 'War & Peace' without the peace. Here's the very first page: 'In the last year of my presidency I began to seriously consider writing my memoirs.' Right away he’s got you hooked. Did he write them or didn’t he? You won't know until you read the book. Maybe the rest of the pages are blank. If there’s one thing we've learned it’s that we can't believe something is there just because Bush says it is." –Stephen Colbert

"Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this." —David Letterman

"Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'" —Conan O'Brien

Who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?

"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" –David Letterman

"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman

"President Bush said last night that they'll be a new president in Iraq. In fact to give him a chance they're going to give him a 30-second head start." —Jay Leno

 

That was him thinking all the time. Really?

"George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time. Really?" –David Letterman

"But Bush, the president, he is still quick. Still very athletic. You know, he's a former cheerleader. I believe Bush is our only president who was a cheerleader. He proved today at a book signing that he can still duck a shoe." –David Letterman

"In the book Bush says that he lost respect for John McCain when he selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. This from a guy whose running mate shot a buddy in the face." –David Letterman 

Bush was on Rachel Ray this morning waterboarding a veal cutlet

"George W. Bush has just released his new memoir 'Decision Points.' It's 512 pages long. But to be fair, half those pages are just games and puzzles. In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of." –Craig Ferguson

"President Bush is everywhere. He's been on the Larry King Show, he's been on the Today Show. He was on Rachel Ray this morning waterboarding a veal cutlet." –David Letterman

"George W. Bush was interviewed by Matt Lauer who asked him if he would still invade Iraq if he knew then what he knows now. It's an unfair question. For one thing I don’t know if Bush does know what he knows now." –Jimmy Kimmel 

Well, it’s unanimous

"'Decision Points' by George W. Bush has dropped, and it's like 'War & Peace' without the peace. Here's the very first page: 'In the last year of my presidency I began to seriously consider writing my memoirs.' Right away he’s got you hooked. Did he write them or didn’t he? You won't know until you read the book. Maybe the rest of the pages are blank. If there’s one thing we've learned it’s that we can't believe something is there just because Bush says it is." –Stephen Colbert

"In his new book, George W. Bush says he’s happy to be out of Washington. Well, it’s unanimous." –David Letterman

"Former President George W. Bush will be everywhere promoting the book. He's on the 'Today Show.' Going to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and tomorrow he'll be on the Rachael Ray Show, water-boarding the veal cutlets." –David Letterman 

I have to say, the book is way better than the Presidency

"President Bush told Matt Lauer the most embarrassing thing he ever did drunk was ask a friend of his parents what sex was like after 50. That's nothing. John McCain asked Sarah Palin to be his running mate when he was sober." –Jay Leno

"I read Bush's memoir, and I have to say, the book is way better than the Presidency." –Jimmy Fallon

"He's like an old pair of slippers, this guy. Like a gift you didn't particularly want. Wasn't really a good fit. Started a war between your pants and your shirt. But you had them for eight years, and that's something. In hindsight, they did keep your feet slightly warmer than -- ah, f**k it, I never liked those slippers." –Jon Stewart, on George W. Bush