A Washington State woman has been charged with attempted murder for allegedly attacking her boyfriend with a samurai sword after she found the dating app Tinder on his phone. When reached for comment, the man said, “THIS, Rebecca. THIS is the kind of stuff I’m talking about.” --Seth Meyers
According to Reuters, a growing number of athletes are attempting to speed up the muscle recovery process after strenuous exercise by using leeches. [shows photo of Don Jr., Eric, and Ivanka] “You can borrow my leeches!” said Trump. --Seth Meyers
Senators in Rhode Island are proposing a new bill that would charge residents a one-time fee of $20 to access online pornography. State budget experts say this new porn bill could be profitable. They say it could generate roughly $13 gazillion. --James Corden
A magisterial collection.
An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.
