Great, that should pretty much make up for everything (Now where’s my check?)

"An interesting announcement just came out. Next month, a 95-year-old Crow Indian chief will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. When asked about it, the chief said, 'Great, that should pretty much make up for everything.'" --Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention this evening. And there was an awkward moment when she finished the speech and said, "Now where’s my check?" –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I heard at this one they’re going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch (Which would be great, if he weren't addicted to crack)

"Michele Bachmann said that if she's elected president, she won't read words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she's elected president, she won't read words." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today was the start of the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, N.C. They’re going all out to make sure it tops last week’s Republican convention. In fact, I heard at this one they’re going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rob Ford also said that he is committed to living a healthier life, and his days of going to the liquor store are over. Which would be great, if he weren't addicted to crack." –Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said that he is still sober and he'll never be caught doing anything illegal ever again. Then he said, 'Unless someone's taping me. Then I'll get caught probably.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll found that Rob Ford has fallen into second place in the race for Toronto mayor. Yeah, it's bad news for Ford, and even worse news for my monologue." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And this explains the entirety of Fox News (At least do the honorable thing and lie)

September 2012

"Yesterday, Paul Ryan said that he and Mitt Romney won't reveal their tax plan to the public until after the election. Other politicians couldn't believe it. They were like, 'At least do the honorable thing and lie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that President Obama has expended his lead over Mitt Romney since the Democratic National Convention. Of course, it didn't help Obama as much as that other event – the Republican National Convention." –Jimmy Fallon

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is scheduled to address the United Nations on the Jewish holy day of Yom Kippur. That's like the Kardashians giving a speech on Labor Day." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Everything that we are as a nation is all rolled up into one tonight (Even Fox News called it 'not the worst.')

September 2012

"There's a lot going on tonight. The first NFL game tonight, the Democratic National Convention, a new episode of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." Everything that we are as a nation is all rolled up into one tonight."-Jimmy Kimmel

"First lady Michelle Obama is receiving praise for the speech she gave last night at the Democratic National Convention. Everyone was impressed. Even Fox News called it 'not the worst.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, President Obama's speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner Arena. You can tell it's Time Warner because Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday, between the hours of 12 and 4." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently promising identical twins was the only way to get Bill Clinton to show up (jazz hands)

September 2012

"It's been reported that one of the surprise speakers at the Democratic convention is going to be Scarlett Johansson. For her speech , she'll be talking to an empty chair and telling it, 'Hey, my eyes are up here!" –Conan O'Brien

"A fun fact: At this year's Democratic convention, eight percent of the delegates are gay, a historic record. This will be the first time a presidential candidate will be nominated by a show of jazz hands." –Conan O’Brien

"At the Democratic National Convention, two of the speakers were identical twin brothers, Joaquin and Julian Castro. Apparently promising identical twins was the only way to get Bill Clinton to show up. Man, was he disappointed." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I live in Hollywood. It is like that here every day (except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience)

September 2012

"The Democratic National Convention is under way. For three days in Charlotte, N.C., everything the Democrats do is good. And everything Republicans do is evil. It doesn't bother me. I live in Hollywood. It is like that here every day." –Craig Ferguson

"Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood's speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience." –Craig Ferguson

"I hope they go easy on Clint Eastwood. It wasn't his best performance last week at the Republican convention, but he's given us decades of great films. So Democrats, if you're looking to mock Mitt Romney by dragging an inanimate object out onto the stage, why not just use Mitt Romney?" –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you’ll just have to wait until I interview Chris Christie (Eh, it’s OK)

September 2012

"On Saturday the White House released President Obama's personal recipe for a home-brewed beer. That's how bad the economy is. Not only is our president drinking, he's drinking beer he made in his bathtub." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. When asked what it’s like to have to deal with thousands of ruthless bloodsuckers, the bedbugs were like, 'Eh, it’s OK.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today was the start of the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, N.C. They’re going all out to make sure it tops last week’s Republican convention. In fact, I heard at this one they’re going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, a chef in Minnesota created the world’s largest bacon cheeseburger, weighing in at over 2,000 pounds. And if you want to hear what it tasted like, you’ll just have to wait until I interview Chris Christie." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That is shocking. Donald’s going to work four days in a row? (Red Trump/Blue Trump)

“The Democratic National Convention closed with Joe Biden’s warning that we have to overcome a season of darkness. Well, this week, darkness gets their turn at bat.” —Stephen Colbert

“Just like the Democrats, the G.O.P. has given each night of the convention a different theme. I believe the four nights are ‘Famine,’ ‘Pestilence,’ ‘War’ and ‘Death.’ OK, I’m being told the actual themes are ‘Land of Promise,’ ‘Land of Opportunity,’ ‘Land of Heroes’ and ‘Land of Greatness.’ Better luck next time, Land o’ Lakes and Lando Calrissian.” —Stephen Colbert

“So death is one plank of the Republican platform — what else does the G.O.P. stand for? No one knows, because it was announced last night that the G.O.P. will not write a 2020 platform. Well, that makes sense, given how much Trump struggles to get down from platforms.” —Stephen Colbert

“And unlike any previous conventions, the candidate, Donald Trump, is gonna be featured each day of the convention. Each day. That is shocking; Donald’s going to work four days in a row?” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The White House must have restrained him tonight like he was Hannibal Lecter (a disturbing sculpture Eric Trump calls Lady Dad)

“The Democratic National Convention brought in some high-profile speakers on Wednesday, including Barack Obama, Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton. That’s like Trump’s entire list of enemies. The White House must have restrained him tonight like he was Hannibal Lecter.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And of course, Hillary Clinton also spoke tonight. She was the only speaker to kick things off by slowly putting out a cigar and saying, ‘Well, well, well.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Former President Obama closed out tonight, and he talked about the current state our country is in and how Joe Biden can lead us out of it. Then he just said a bunch of words Trump can’t pronounce — [imitating Barack Obama] ‘Yosemite. Uh, Thailand. Uh, Minneapolis.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Of course, this week marks 100 years since women gained the right to vote, and tonight there was a powerhouse lineup of speakers including Nancy Pelosi, Elizabeth Warren, Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris. It is going to be tough for the Republicans to match that. All they’ve got are Ivanka, Betsy DeVos and a disturbing sculpture Eric Trump calls Lady Dad.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

every third-grader who can’t go back to school the next day knows that (then he complained that she didn’t thank him)

August 2020

“Michelle Obama’s speech on the first night of the Democratic National Convention made quite an impression. She said President Trump was ‘in over his head,’ then turned a Trump quote against him by adding, ‘It is what it is.’ At that point, Trump squeezed his Diet Coke hand so hard it turned into a diamond.” —Jimmy Fallon 

“Yep, Trump pardoned Susan B. Anthony, then he complained that she didn’t thank him.” —Jimmy Fallon

“There’s no bigger champion for women than the man who spent his morning rage-tweeting about Michelle Obama.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Trump was asked about Michelle Obama’s ‘in over his head’ comment at an event celebrating the centennial of the 19th amendment, and responded: ‘She’s in over her head.’ Oh, yeah, that’s a good comeback. That was her insult against you. You can’t use her insult – every third-grader who can’t go back to school the next day knows that.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The folks at the top aren't bad guys (no Bill Clinton kissing booth)

August 2020

“That’s right. For the first time ever, the conventions are going virtual, which means no crowds, no dancing, no balloon drops, and definitely no Bill Clinton kissing booth.” —Trevor Noah

“Yeah, it was the first night of the virtual Democratic National Convention, because nothing quite fires up Americans like long speeches over Zoom.” —Jimmy Fallon

“For the first night of the Democratic convention, there was wall-to-wall coverage on CNN and MSNBC. Meanwhile, on Fox News there was a three-hour special called ‘Kamala Harris: Where Do You Think She Was Born?’” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they didn’t want anyone getting drunk and accidentally sleeping with John Edwards (fresh ground-pepper spray)

"At one point this week, police in Denver had a showdown with over 300 protesters, ended up pepper spraying them. And since, of course, it was Denver and they were Democrats, it was only fresh ground-pepper spray." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to The New York Post, delegates at the Democratic convention received information packets with three separate warnings not to drink too much, because they say alcohol has a much stronger effect in higher altitudes. I guess they didn’t want anyone getting drunk and accidentally sleeping with John Edwards again." --Jay Leno

"John Edwards was not at the convention, actually. But, like his marriage, he was there in spirit." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

It's the same team that works on Nancy Pelosi (shredded Clinton subpoenas)

"I don’t know if you are aware of this or not, but this Democratic convention, they’re trying to be environmentally friendly. Even the confetti that they drop, that’s actually shredded Clinton subpoenas." --David Letterman

"And then tonight, Barack Obama speaks to the convention, and they moved it to the stadium there in Denver. They’re getting, like, 75,000 people. And I’m telling you, the construction crew has been working around the clock, painting the stadium, scrubbing the stadium, plastering. It's the same team that works on Nancy Pelosi." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

Florida is one of our most important allies (the last time we got drunk at a convention)

"And Florida finally starting to dry out from Tropical Storm Fay. President Bush declared some counties disaster areas so they could get federal assistance. Once again, see, I think Bush means well, I don't think he really understands. Like today, he said it was important to help them down there cause he considers Florida one of our most important allies. For when we fight the Georgians, we're gonna need the Floridians." --Jay Leno

"During the Democratic convention, this is true, delegates are being warned this year not to drink too much. They're being told not to drink too much, yeah. Yeah when asked why, Democratic officials said the last time we got drunk at a convention, we ended up nominating Walter Mondale." --Conan O'Brien



"The publisher of Simon and Schuster came out with a children's book about Barack Obama. Isn't that nice, yeah. That's sweet. They also came out with a children's book about John McCain called 'Horton Gets A Hearing Aid.'" --Conan O'Brien



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

but his doctor only gave him two-and-a-half (for some reason that's his new issue)

"Well, as you know, the Democratic Convention is being held this week at the Pepsi Center in Denver. Don't confuse that with John McCain's convention next week, that's at the Polygrip Center, that's totally different." --Jay Leno



"Here's a little political fact. Dick Cheney is the first Vice President in eighty years not to run for president. Actually, Cheney did consider four more years, but his doctor only gave him two-and-a-half." --Jay Leno



"And eighty-four year-old Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens won his Senate primary yesterday despite being indicted on corruption charges. He was indicted on corruption charges and he won the primary. He says he wants to get back in the Senate so he can keep working on the new issue most important to him: outlawing prison rape. Yeah, for some reason that's his new issue." --Jay Leno



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

Now don't confuse that Joe Biden bounce with a Bill Clinton bounce -- that'll get you impeached (Pelosi's face almost moved)

"Hillary gave a rousing speech, it was so passionate, emotional, I'm telling you, Nancy Pelosi's face almost moved." --David Letterman



"And then earlier tonight, her husband Bill Clinton spoke at the convention, and what a great speech, what a tremendous speech. He got four standing ovations and five phone numbers." --David Letterman



"And they say that Barack Obama now is a little down in the polls. Now this is a surprise, because after they announced the vice presidential candidate, they were hoping to get that Joe Biden bounce. Now don't confuse that Joe Biden bounce with a Bill Clinton bounce -- that'll get you impeached." --David Letterman



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

if my gaffe offended, I apologize… to Burning Man (McCain's 1983 vote against Martin Luther King Day)

You know, last night was the kick-off of the convention, Democrats were eager to demonstrate party unity [on-screen: hippies and nude dancers] I'm sorry, I'm being told that's not footage from the Democratic Convention, but in fact footage from Burning Man. Well it's an honest mistake so uh, ladies and gentlemen, if my gaffe offended, I apologize… to Burning Man." --Stephen Colbert

"Nation, today is the 88th anniversary of the 19th Amendment, which gave women the right to vote. So, big surprise, tonight the Democrats chose to have Senator Hillary Clinton to give a speech. Now I love women, in fact, some of my best parents are women. But marking this anniversary is the most blatant pandering to female voters since the creation of female voters.

 You know, however long ago that happened. It is not the only anniversary the Democrats are exploiting this week. Thursday night, Barack Obama will honor the 45th anniversary of Martin Luther King's 'I Have A Dream' speech, and all Democrats will honor the 25th anniversary of John McCain's 1983 vote against Martin Luther King Day." --Stephen Colbert



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern #JusticeDemocrats

Ooh, a city worker! La di da, too good for village work, eh? (What Whitey?)

"Still, an emotional highlight to set the stage for the main speaker last night, Michelle Obama, Barack Obama's beautiful, accomplished, angry, communist wife. Buts she's just the candidate's spouse. I assume she just has to get through the speech without saying 'F*ck Whitey' (on screen: various cable pundits speaking of the need for her to prove she's 'one of y'all'). 

Hmm, she needs to prove she's human, eh? Well let's take a look [on screen: footage of Michelle Obama at convo]. Clearly bipedal, a chordate, she appears to have five-digit extremities and to possess sweat glands. Wait what's the weird hole in her face?! Oh my God! Oh wait, I have one too. 

Alright, I'll give you that you're human technically. But what about the elitist thing? [on screen: M. Obama talking about her family, and how her father who was a 'blue-collar city worker.'] Ooh, a city worker! La di da, too good for village work, eh? Didn't want to soil his lily blue-collar in the townships!" --Jon Stewart



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern #JusticeDemocrats

He also told Bush that the convention starts in December (I know, I appointed them)

"The Republican Convention is next week. John McCain's campaign told President Bush that despite his low popularity, he will be allowed to speak at the first night of the convention. He also told Bush that the convention starts in December." --Conan O'Brien



"Well the great thing about the Olympics, of course, is you have people who are otherwise enemies putting aside their differences and pretending to get along for a couple of days. I'm sorry, that's the Democratic convention." --Jay Leno



"Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic Convention. It was pretty amazing, she gave her entire speech while biting her tongue. Do you know how hard that is?" --Jay Leno



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern #JusticeDemocrats

Experts say it was the longest speech ever delivered entirely through clenched teeth

"Earlier tonight, Hillary Clinton gave a big speech at the Democratic Convention in support of Barack Obama. Experts say it was the longest speech ever delivered entirely through clenched teeth." --Conan O'Brien



"Michelle Obama said she's been in love with Barack ever since he took her on their first date and bought her ice cream. Isn't that sweet? Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain's wife Cindy says she's been in love with McCain ever since he hit her over the head with a club and dragged her back to his cave." --Conan O'Brien



"This is a weird story. At the Democratic Convention, Trojan Condoms has set up a pavilion where they're handing out thousands of free condoms. Yeah, apparently they're doing this in case John Edwards shows up." --Conan O'Brien



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern #JusticeDemocrats