Joke's on you — I didn't have any supporters! (They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers)

According to a recent study of college students, some TV shows help viewers become Kinder and more generous people. For instance, every time after I watch "The Bachelor" I always put more money into my daughters' college funds. –Jimmy Fallon

After doing poorly in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina, Jeb Bush announced that he’s dropping out of the race. Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are both hoping to pick up Jeb’s supporters. Then Jeb said, “Joke's on you — I didn't have any supporters!” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama was spotted at a steak restaurant in D.C. This week with Morgan Freeman and Tom Hanks. They didn't even order anything. They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

OK, well, our tunnels are exactly the same (banana costume)

When asked about the possibility that Mexico might not agree to pay for his border wall, Donald Trump said, "The wall just got 10 feet higher.” People in Mexico were like, “OK, well, our tunnels are exactly the same." –Jimmy Fallon

While Donald Trump was speaking at a rally in Atlanta, the lights suddenly went out and Trump said he actually liked it more in the dark. Then Melania Trump said, “Join the club.” –Jimmy Fallon

The other big news is that Donald Trump won all 50 delegates in Saturday's South Carolina primary. So if you're paying attention, this is the official point when people go from saying, “Oh, this is kinda fun!” to saying, “Oh my God, this is really happening!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or talk to them. Or meet them. Or even see one up close (Friend of yours?)

"A new report just came out that some companies, especially tech companies, are not hiring enough female employees. But guys who run tech companies say they'd love to hire more women. Or talk to them. Or meet them. Or even see one up close." –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump went on a tour of the African American Museum with Ben Carson. Things got awkward at each exhibit, when Trump would turn to Carson and say, “Friend of yours?” –Jimmy Fallon

A new report from The Washington Post reveals that Trump has spent 25 hours golfing during his first month in office. But during his intelligence briefings, he really buckled down ... and played Wii golf. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In that case, forget it. Get me Steven Seagal (He keeps a lot of stuff private)

John McCain actually praised Trump’s new national security adviser, H.R. McMaster, calling him an outstanding choice and a man of genuine intellect, character, and ability. Then Trump said, “In that case, forget it. Get me Steven Seagal.” –Jimmy Fallon

There are rumors that Russia’s compiling a psychological profile on Trump to help Putin get inside his head. You know, it’s so hard to get Trump to open up and talk about himself. He keeps a lot of stuff private. –Jimmy Fallon

Oh, this isn't good. Guys, today, Southwest had to cancel hundreds of flights due to mechanical problems. Yeah, the CEO of Southwest was like, "I'm sorry, but two wings seemed pretty freaking redundant." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How the media misled us about Russiagate w/Jeff Gerth | The Chris Hedges Report

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Madden23: Indianapolis Colts vs Kansas City Chiefs

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Buttigieg UNDER AUDIT For Travelling Via Government Planes Instead Of Commercial

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know you’re doing something wrong when you’re getting cyber bullied by the Pope (Mexico is starting to think a wall is a pretty great idea)

The Cuban government recently returned a missing U.S. missile that was sent to Europe for training, but was accidentally shipped to Cuba. So the good news is that the missile was returned to America. But the bad news is THAT CAN HAPPEN! –Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump scored a big victory, bringing him one step closer to the Republican nomination. A Trump presidency is getting so real, Mexico is starting to think a wall is a pretty great idea. –Jimmy Fallon

One of the big stories everyone’s talking about is the immigration debate. Pope Francis has actually been tweeting Bible references that oppose President Trump’s travel ban. You know you’re doing something wrong when you’re getting cyber bullied by the Pope. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When a clown and a serial killer love each other very much (It's all part of their plan to make Amtrak smell better)

"Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress is considering a law that would allow commuters to bring their dogs and cats on Amtrak trains. It's all part of their plan to make Amtrak smell better." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there's no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Great. Now, I need a new campaign slogan (Nobody knows what they’re doing)

Today in Congress, Donald Trump's former lawyer, Michael Cohen, testified about the president and all his scandals. Yep. He called Trump a "conman," a "cheat," and a "racist." Trump heard that and was like, "Great. Now, I need a new 2020 campaign slogan." --Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, Vice President Mike Pence tweeted his support for Israel, but accidentally used an emoji of the Nicaraguan flag instead of the Israeli flag. The White House says there’s a perfectly good reason why he did it: Nobody knows what they’re doing. –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday a federal judge suspended President Obama's executive order on immigration. When asked if he's mad about being overruled, Obama said, 'You know I've been married for 23 years, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Russell Brand: “WE AREN’T ALONE” | Brand New UFO Footage Revealed with Jeremy Corbell

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Nearly 45k Animals DIED In East Palestine Ohio | Breaking Points

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Buttigieg HUMILIATED By Ohio Reporters | Breaking Points

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Night Crawlers - You Say (1966)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Biden STILL Won't Visit East Palestine Derailment Site; GOP to INVESTIGATE Buttigieg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

NBA2K: Indiana Pacers vs Milwaukee Bucks (2OT-Buzzer Beater)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Bill Murray knows it's Monday but... (You're Awesome)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Duran: Putin delivers confident Federal Assembly speech, suspends START nuclear treaty

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired (Be like Han/Uh, mammal?)

Ted Cruz's dad said that God sent a message to Ted Cruz's wife giving his permission to run for president. Though I'm not sure that's what God meant when he told Cruz’s wife, “Run!!” –Jimmy Fallon

"When asked what kind of meat they use, a spokesman for Hot Pockets said, 'Uh, mammal?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A girl in San Francisco actually sold Girl Scout cookies at a medical marijuana clinic this week. Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired." –Jimmy Fallon

Whole Foods is looking into the idea of putting tattoo parlors in their grocery stores. Even so, the people walking out of Whole Foods with the biggest sense of regret will still be whoever just paid $8 for an apple. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's all your fault for not voting properly? (prank calling Jeb Bush)

"After 16 days of competition, the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics is this Sunday. Vladimir Putin was like, 'It has been fun time, and I'm sad to see everyone escape . . . I mean, get away . . . I mean, go home.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, John Kasich said his favorite president was George Washington because he could have been president forever but stepped down after two terms. While Donald Trump said his favorite president was George Washington 'cause he also wore a fantastic wig. –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was asked about the slow pace of his weight loss and said, quote, 'Rome was not un-built in a day.' In fact, Christie and Rome have a lot in common: one was built by Julius Caesar, and the other was built by LITTLE Caesar." –Jimmy Fallon

At the debate last night you can tell the candidates are getting bored up there 'cause at one point they took turns prank calling Jeb Bush. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Briahna Joy Gray: Democrats DEFLECT Nord Stream Explosion Inquiries As Questions Mount

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Aaron Maté: Zelensky Threatened w/ DEATH If He Negotiated With Russia!

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

NBA2K: Indiana Pacers vs Portland Trailblazers (OT-Buzzer Beater)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Madden23: Indianapolis Colts vs 1972 Miami Dolphins (Super Bowl)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Don’t Worry I Was Adopted (4.5 billion reasons)

Today is the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump is projected to win. When asked why they’re voting for him, Americans said, "We’re used to doing things in Nevada that we’ll regret tomorrow." –Conan O’Brien

When asked about Cuba Gooding Jr.’s portrayal of him, O.J. Simpson said he’s "not tall enough and his head is too small." Simpson then said, "Also, he didn't kill my wife." –Conan O’Brien

Despite Jeb Bush’s poor campaign, some analysts are already talking about the political rise of his son, George P. Bush. George P. Bush has already got his campaign slogan: "Don’t Worry I Was Adopted." –Conan O’Brien

Although she herself is an immigrant, Donald Trump’s wife Melania says she is fine with her husband’s tough anti-immigration stance. When asked why, Mrs. Trump said she had about 4.5 billion reasons. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who can even remember who wired the global financial system to a roulette wheel, while jacked on enough cocaine to bring down a bison? (Make Jobs, Not War)

"It's been five years since the economic meltdown. And while even I used to be mad at Wall Street -- at this point, who can even remember who wired the global financial system to a roulette wheel, while jacked on enough cocaine to bring down a bison?" –Stephen Colbert

"GOP civil war -- of course the first thing they'll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag." –Stephen Colbert

I’m going on vacation next week. Donald Trump is planning a vacation, too. On Wednesday, he’s going to Vietnam. Apparently, his bone spurs are retractable, like cat’s claws. --Stephen Colbert

 

"Since the brutal presidential election, there's been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they will eventually find one." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Satan said he tries to avoid American politics because it makes him feel dirty (How conservative is he?)

“How conservative is he? Rick Santorum won't even take soda in the can.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is conservative; he's so conservative he won't even use a weed whacker. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“In fact, Santorum is so conservative he won't even let the UPS guy handle his package. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“He's so conservative he wants ballpark franks to stop plumping when you cook 'em. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“This guy is really conservative. In fact, Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't even go down on an escalator.” –Jay Leno

"This guy Santorum is very conservative. Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't watch a baseball game because there's a pitcher and a catcher." –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum's tax returns show that last year, he paid double the tax rate that Mitt Romney paid. Romney is much more clever with the deductions. He writes off poor people.” –Jay Leno

"Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid American politics because it makes him feel dirty." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Donald Trump Jr. is the only guy who claims himself as a dependent (Can you subpoena a mannequin?)

February 2023

“We are looking ahead to possible indictments from a Georgia grand jury over Donald Trump’s attempted election interference in Georgia. Probably the most that will happen is Trump’s lawyers will have another opportunity to file nuisance objections and delay the verdict, which is basically Trump’s strategy for everything. He’s almost 80 – if he can keep delaying long enough, he can get the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In other Trump legal news, the special counsel looking into the events of January 6th issued subpoenas for Ivanka Trump and her husband, Jared Kushner. I don’t know what the point of subpoenaing Ivanka is – you know she is just going to plead the Saks Fifth. And serving Jared raises some important and interesting legal questions like, can you subpoena a mannequin?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, the former president is trying to exploit the disaster in East Palestine. On Wednesday, he dropped off crates of Trump-branded bottled water, and faced tough questions for his administration’s rollback in 2018 of a rule that would have required better braking systems on trains carrying hazardous materials. So now, dummy who could’ve stayed out of this whole thing, is being held responsible for making safety last. But fortunately for him, he’s got an ardent defender in one Donald J. Jr. Appearing virtually on Fox News, the Trump’s eldest son complained about Pete Buttigieg: ‘There is no accountability. There’s not even expectation of these guys doing their jobs.’ And what is your job exactly?” I mean, seriously, besides yelling at your laptop, what is it that you do for a living? What do you write on your tax returns? ‘Son’? Donald Trump Jr. is the only guy who claims himself as a dependent.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I’m pretty sure Sean Hannity is one (Twenty days late! I’m glad he’s not an EMT)

February 2023

As the transportation secretary, Pete Buttigieg, finally visited the site of the devastating toxic train derailment in East Palestine, Ohio, nearly three weeks after the disaster. Twenty days late! I’m glad he’s not an EMT.” —Stephen Colbert

“And it looks like Buttigieg knows he acted slowly, as the transportation secretary admitted to reporters that he ‘could have spoken out sooner’.  Adding, ‘And I would’ve been here earlier but traffic was a mess, trains are a disaster, all the flights were cancelled – someone should really deal with this country’s transportation!’” —Stephen Colbert

“Fox News, it’s important to give them their props when they deserve it. And here’s the thing: it’s a 24-hour news channel, and that can be hard to fill. We salute their ability to just invent outrage out of absolutely nothing on a slow news day. This week, the network dug down deep, tossed aside any last scraps of journalistic integrity, and yanked out a new dumb thing to pretend to be mad at. And because I also need something to talk about every night, I’m going to pretend to be mad at them for pretending to be mad about it. The latest invented controversy? New Lego characters with different skin tones, limb differences and disabilities, or as Fox News put it: ‘Lego is going woke!’ I don’t know why Fox is so upset about seeing representation in Legos. After all, I’m pretty sure Sean Hannity is one.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

eels flyswatter jools holland live 28/3/2000

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Russell Brand: Oh Sh*t, They’re Piloting This!

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

There is no way he’s getting away this time (It’s gonna be a long campaign)

February 2023

“In other news, Donald Trump visited East Palestine, Ohio to meet with community members disrupted by the toxic train derailment earlier this month. It’s not every day you get to see a train wreck talking about a train wreck. After turning the visit into a campaign rally, Trump passed out Maga hats at a local McDonald’s. It’s gonna be a long campaign.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Former president Trump visited the beleaguered town, which has experienced mass wildlife death since the ‘controlled’ burn of vinyl chloride following the crash. It’s fitting that he’s trying to restart his campaign in East Palestine because, much like the fish there, it’s dead in the water.” —Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, a grand jury in the Georgia election case against Trump appears to have recommended multiple indictments. There is no way he’s getting away this time, unless he does that thing where he always gets away every time.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”