idiocracy23: November 2018

Friday, November 30, 2018

Secular Talk: House Dems Stab The Left In The Back, Reject Barbara Lee For Leadership

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse -collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

RJ Eskow with Ryan Grim: A Dem Dirty Trick in the House

Police describe the thieves as armed and extremely tacky (No, it's not a toupee)

In Las Vegas thieves broke into the Elvis-A-Rama Museum and stole 325 thousand dollars worth of Elvis jewelry and memorabilia. Police describe the thieves as armed and extremely tacky. --Conan O’Brien 3/18/2004

According to the US Patent Office Donald Trump is trying to trademark the phrase, “You’re Fired.” Trump is also trying to trademark his other phrase, “No, it's not a toupee.” --Conan O’Brien 3/18/2004

Meanwhile the guy who directed Dirty Dancing Havana Nights still hasn't turned himself in (Why do we have wars?)

In order to get her sentence reduced Martha Stewart has asked all her friends to write her judge and tell them good things about her. As a result Martha is expected to get life in prison. --Conan O’Brien 3/18/2004

Yesterday in Florida a man went to the police and confessed to a crime after seeing the movie The Passion of the Christ. Meanwhile the guy who directed Dirty Dancing Havana Nights still hasn't turned himself in. But we’ll get him. --Conan O’Brien 3/18/2004

you know you've done something wrong when you're a disgrace to the Mets uniform (Ask Inmate 3987)

One of the Mets minor league managers was arrested for exposing himself. Afterwards the manager said you know you've done something wrong when you're a disgrace to the Mets uniform. --Conan O’Brien 4/9/2004

Martha Stewart has had some problems recently. You may not have heard about this but Martha Stewart's advice column no longer goes by the name Ask Martha. The new name of the column is Ask Inmate 3987. --Conan O’Brien 3/17/2004

the most difficult part was finding time to film the commercial between real orgasms (Where you in a coma from 2001 until 2009?)

It's been reported that Christina Aguilera has been paid close to 1 million dollars to film a commercial where she fakes an orgasm. Aguilera said the most difficult part was finding time to film the commercial between real orgasms. --Conan O’Brien 4/29/2004

It's been reported that a woman who was once Playboy magazines Miss November has come out of the closet and revealed she's a lesbian. Apparently it was pretty obvious since her list of turn ons included Miss October. --Conan O’Brien 1/22/2004

The Pope thought the actor was very believable as Jesus (Green Eggs, Hold the Ham)

Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ after what two weeks is still number one at the box office. Yesterday at the Vatican Pope John Paul II actually met with the actor who plays Jesus in the Passion of the Christ. The Pope thought the actor was very believable as Jesus because afterwards he said tell your dad I said hi. --Conan O’Brien 3/16/2004

A group of Catholic Boston Red Sox fans have asked the city's bishop to allow them to eat meat on Good Friday because they want to eat hotdogs on opening day. The bishop turned the group down because he says Good Friday is about suffering and so is being a Red Sox fan. --Conan O’Brien 3/16/2004

For the first time ever a copy of Dr. Seuss's book The Cat in the Hat came out in Yiddish. They're also coming out with another Yiddish Dr. Seuss book book called Green Eggs, Hold the Ham. --Conan O’Brien 3/16/2004

He's going to stop making insensitive racial slurs and start focusing on beating the Redskins (one of them is Billy Joel)

Yesterday Dallas head coach Bill Parcells apologized for making an insensitive remark about Japanese people. In his apology Parcells said I'm going to stop making insensitive racial slurs and start focusing on beating the Redskins. --Conan O’Brien 6/8/2004

Despite record gas prices more than 36 million people are expected to hit the roads over Memorial Day weekend. 36 million people. The scary part is one of them is Billy Joel. --Conan O’Brien 5/28/2004

A spokesperson for the company said we think Jews need one more reason not to buy a VW (they're still eligible for baseball's all-star game)

According to the New York Times every single horse in the Kentucky Derby is using a performance-enhancing drug. So even if the horses don't win they're still eligible for baseball's all-star game. --Conan O’Brien 4/28/2004

Volkswagen announced this week that it's trying to sell 10% of its ownership to an arab government. A spokesperson for the company said we think Jews need one more reason not to buy a VW. --Conan O’Brien 4/28/2004

You know you're having a bad year when your birthday wish is to be back in a spider hole (Bush asked if he can sit on Dick Cheney's lap)

This week federal officials entered a Wisconsin classroom and seized several giant African land snails because they're considered a health hazard. Officials rounded up the snails after a two-second chase. --Conan O’Brien 4/27/2004

President Bush is receiving some criticism because tomorrow when he testifies before the 9/11 Commission. Bush is insisting that Dick Cheney be allowed to testify with him. Not only that he asked if he can sit on Dick Cheney's lap. --Conan O’Brien 4/28/2004

Big news ladies and gentlemen. It's Saddam Hussein's birthday today. You know you're having a bad year when your birthday wish is to be back in a spider hole. That is the good old days to him. --Conan O’Brien 4/28/2004

they pulled over Snoop Dog's tour bus and found a baked ham (Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump)

Some TV critics have accused Donald Trump's show The Apprentice of being nothing but a year-long infomercial for Trump's company. When asked to comment Donald Trump said, “Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump.” --Conan O’Brien 4/16/2004

This is true. Yesterday a woman posing as a cleaning lady robbed Courtney Love's apartment. Neighbors became suspicious when they saw a cleaning lady going into Courtney Love's apartment. --Conan O’Brien 4/13/2004

Yesterday police in Ohio pulled over Ruben Studdard tour bus and the cops found a bag of marijuana. Police believe there must have been a mix-up because later they pulled over Snoop Dog's bus and found a baked ham. --Conan O’Brien 4/13/2004

Not surprisingly all the signatures were from prisoners (Look it's that thing from Schoolhouse Rock!)

Martha Stewart is going to jail and it was reported today that 18,000 people have sent a petition to President Bush asking him to pardon Martha Stewart. Not surprisingly all the signatures were from prisoners. --Conan O’Brien 9/16/2004

According to a new survey this year the most popular name for boys is Michael. And coincidentally the most popular name for people being sued by boys is also Michael. --Conan O’Brien 9/16/2004

In preparation for his inaugural tomorrow President Bush visited the National Archives and he was shown an original copy of the US Constitution. When Bush saw the Constitution he said, “Look it's that thing from Schoolhouse Rock.” --Conan O’Brien 1/19/2005

she hasn't been that embarrassed since her nipple popped out at the Emmys, the Oscars, and the Heisman Trophy ceremony (Girl/Date/Kiss)

Starbucks announced this week that from now on new Starbucks employees will be required to go through 32 hours of training to work at Starbucks. The first hour Starbucks employees learn how to make a cup of coffee then the next 31 hours they learn how to charge four dollars with a straight face. --Conan O’Brien 3/11/2004

Paris Hilton's nipple popped out of her dress at the American Dance Music Awards. Afterwards Hilton said she hasn't been that embarrassed since her nipple popped out at the Emmys, the Oscars, and the Heisman Trophy ceremony. --Conan O’Brien 3/11/2004

A high school in England is offering its students a course in elvish, the language spoken in the Lord of the Rings. Not surprisingly elvish has no words for “girl, date or kiss.” --Conan O’Brien 3/11/2004

the flight attendant handed him a live goose and an axe (there's a time and a place for that type of behavior)

I saw that Starbucks is going to start blocking adult websites from their Wi-Fi networks. They said there's a time and a place for that type of behavior, and it's all day at Dunkin' Donuts. --Jimmy Fallon

On a recent flight from Singapore to Japan, a passenger on a budget airline asked for a cup of water and the flight attendant gave him a cup of ice and told him to wait for the ice to melt. But it got worse. The passenger asked for a down pillow and the flight attendant handed him a live goose and an axe. --James Corden

NBC just told me I can't use a hair dryer for the next month (I'm not saying Trump's running out of friends...)

Last night was the Christmas tree lighting in Rockefeller Center. Did you see that? It was beautiful. And this year's tree has over 50,000 lights, which explains why NBC just told me I can't use a hair dryer for the next month. --Jimmy Fallon

It's big news. Michael Cohen was one of Trump's closest allies, and now he's working with Robert Mueller. I'm not saying Trump's running out of friends, but he today he asked Rosie O'Donnell if she wanted to get lunch. --Jimmy Fallon

Did Wilt Chamberlain Record A Quintuple Double?

It's the only time Trump can press a giant button without everyone in America being absolutely terrified (900 pounds and 3 million crystals)

Actually, I read that the star on the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree weighs 900 pounds and features 3 million crystals. 900 pounds and 3 million crystals, or as guys from New Jersey call that, a pinky ring. --Jimmy Fallon

Oh, I saw that tonight was also the Christmas-tree-lighting ceremony at the White House. President Trump said it's the only time he can press a giant button without everyone in America being absolutely terrified. --Jimmy Fallon

parents showing their kids the true meaning of claustrophobia (The Trump Economy)

In a Washington Post interview Donald Trump discussed his views on climate change. Trump pointed out his “amazing” analytical skills. Trump said, “A lot of people like myself, we have very high levels of intelligence but we’re not necessarily believers in climate change.” Now if that statement is confusing to you, it’s because it is. Trump thinks he has a high level of intelligence. Now listen, you would think that you have superintelligence too if you spent your days with Eric and Donald Jr. You would feel like a genius. --James Corden

Guys, tonight was the big Rockefeller Center. Christmas tree lighting. There were thousands of people out in the plaza. It was really nice watching parents show their kids the true meaning of claustrophobia. --Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, November 29, 2018

Jimmy Dore: It’s Official: Left, Right, & Center Hate Establishment News

The Beatles - Revolution

Jimmy Dore: GM Closing 5 Plants - Trump Has No Answers

Young Turks: Trump Incoherently BABBLES Through Latest interview

Secular Talk: GM Fires 15k Workers, Closes 5 Factories After Big Tax Cut & Bailout

Jimmy Dore: Corrupt Democrat Beats Progressive For Caucus Chair

Young Turks: Cory Booker Taking Money From Tijuana Tear Gas Maker

Jimmy Dore: Guardian Busted For Bogus Assange Story

Jimmy Dore: Senate Votes To End Yemen War!

Jimmy Dore: CA Dem Party Chair Accused Of Sexual Assault

Young Turks: Who's To Blame For Hillary Clinton's Loss?

Jordan Chariton: Why President Obama Helped CREATE President Trump

Hey, it's no picnic for me, either, buddy (Relax, man. We're just trying to get to Canada)

Audience, I’m worried that once they make self-driving cars, I will never be sober again. --Stephen Colbert

And today, Trump threatened to permanently shut down the entire U.S.-Mexico border. In response, migrants said, "Relax, man. We're just trying to get to Canada." --Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that it takes about 1.7 days for a LEGO to pass through the human body. The guy who ate it says it was painful, while LEGO Batman said, "Hey, it's no picnic for me, either, buddy.” --Jimmy Fallon

I feel like the first sex tape left a lot of unanswered questions (they let the other team score for 50 bucks)

There's a new Paris Hilton sex video. When asked about it Hilton said, “I feel like the first one left a lot of unanswered questions.” --Conan O’Brien 9/28/2004

In Central America true story a women's soccer team has been disqualified from a tournament after it was discovered that all of its players are prostitutes. Apparently people got suspicious when they let the other team score for 50 bucks. --Conan O’Brien 9/28/2004

A man in England is marketing a cell phone in the shape of a Star Trek communicator. The man says the Star Trek cell phone works great but that it is unable to make contact with women. --Conan O’Brien 11/12/2004

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Friday, November 30, 2018

Thursday, November 29, 2018